Talking about school shootings with your kids isn’t something covered in first-time parenting classes. 

But these days news - good and bad - travels far, wide, fast and it’s really accessible.  And, following the horrific news where 18 students and two adults were killed after a mass shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde Texas, you might want to know how to navigate gun violence conversations with your kids. We chat to parenting expert Kirsty Ketley and Tetyana Denford, translator, mother, and author of Motherland: War and Hope in Ukraine who tells us; "I grew up in 80s in NY, and when I was going through the American schooling system, we never had active shooter drills. We had fire drills, nothing of what's happening now, nothing of what I see my children having to face." 

We know that every family is different and you know yours best, here we spoke with parenting experts, mums and psychotherapists to share the tools you may need to have a helpful and honest conversation with your child about, quite frankly, a terrifying topic.

How to talk to your kids about school shootings

Have the conversation

Parenting expert Kirsty Ketley says; "Unless it's brought up by your child, talking about school shootings isn't necessary." Though Heidi Scrimgeour, goodto.com’s consumer editor and mum-of-three disagrees, "I never used to mention bad news to my kids. I would hope that it would fly under their radar.

"My reasoning was why alert them to something awful if they might not hear about it. But more than once my kids have come home with a very particular version of a news story that is not the account I would have given them and I've had to 'undo' what another child has said. 

“So now my approach is that where possible I want to be the one to break the bad news, whether it's a TV headline or something closer to home. I had to tell my very young child that his classmate had died in tragic circumstances and I broke the news of a grandparent's sudden and unexpected death to my 7yr old - these things taught me that kids can handle hearing anything if it's in the safe embrace of a loving parent or carer. And I'd always rather they got that version of events first.” 

While Tetyana says; "My husband and I don't let our kids watch the news, because the news in America is quite shouty, biased and dramatic. But we talk to them about humanity, about history, about good and evil, about mental health issues, and about how the country tends to marginalise a lot of people based on race and financial status.

"They *still* do not understand why people kill people, and why people have guns to be honest. But they do understand how to creatively barricade themselves in their school, why police presence is there, and why these things are important for the modern world. Their school keeps them safe, but unfortunately, that safety comes with specific conditioning for them to shoulder the burden of a country's ills."

Either way, whether its you or your child who kick starts the conversation, embrace it. And, it's important to validate your child's worries and not dismiss them with a well-meaning but misplaced 'you'll  be fine'. Statements like this shut down the conversation and make your child feel unheard and their worries not valued.

Kirsty suggests that if your child does ask, tell them truthfully in a way that is appropriate to their age. "In this instance perhaps reinforce that guns are dangerous and highlight that here in the UK we have such strict laws that this doesn't happen. Also refer to the security measures in place at their school as an example of how the UK keep their children safe and that in the US it isn't quite the same." 

"Like how to talk to children about war, or any other awful event, you only need to explain as much as your child asks."

Adapt for their age

Under 7’s - With this age group and their understanding and developmental stages - i.e. they may not understand the news their seeing is a replay - it's best to limit media exposure as much as possible. Kirsty agrees, "I think it is unlikely for this age group to properly pick up on what is going on. But, if they do overhear your conversations or see the news and ask questions, it's important to make sure they know they are safe and that what is happening is not in our country."

She suggests showing under 7's on a map or globe, so they can grasp the distance. "This will be the thing that they are most worried about. Kids of this age don’t need to be burdened with news that they are unable to understand, so if they don’t mention it, don’t bring it up. Let them be blissfully unaware."

Tweens (8-12) - Talking about school shootings with this age group is a bit trickier as they are at an impressionable age and are more aware of the world around them. If left unchecked their minds could wonder, and they could make scenarios up in their heads as to what could or could not happen, Kirsty tells us. "With this in mind it's important to reassure them that they are safe and not to overload them with information. Keep it appropriate to their level of understanding and to what they can cope with, as all children have differing thresholds."

Kirsty suggests leaning on child-friendly platforms such as Newsround. "This is a brilliant programme for children age 6-12 which explains things in an appropriate way, so if you are worried about how to go about things, watch it with your child and then have a discussion about what you have watched. - If they report on it, obviously."

Teens - Ask them what they already know and then give them reassurance if they are worried -  let them know that you are there to talk through things. Kirsty says; "You can talk to Tweens and Teens about what happened in Dunblane as a point of reference, to explain why we have the laws in place here."

Above all you need your children to see and understand that you are open to having conversations about school shootings. Encourage them with lines like 'great question' and 'thanks for coming to me with this question'. Statements like this will show that you are open and ready to help them understand.

"[my children] want to be safe," Tetyana tells us. "They still trust that their school is safe. Their innocence isn't gone completely, because we want them to remember that the world is full of magic, full of hope. But the more this country doesn't create stricter gun laws, the more they erase that hope. And that is the saddest thing of all. Because children are born with so much hope, surely our job is to protect that, and to let it flourish."

Check In

Talking about school shootings is hard, so it's really important to check back in with your kids in the days following the initial conversation. To find out how their thoughts and understanding has evolved as the days have gone on. Find out what their friends are talking about in relation to this news, it will help to get an understanding of whether your kid is coping. You need more than a 'one-and-done' conversation.

If you think your child may be struggling to process this - which may look like problems with sleep, problems with attention and focus, and increased irritability, reach out for more help. Maybe speak to their school or to charities who have helplines in place.

NHS - Every Mind Matters Mind Young Minds NSPCC

Be kind to yourself

Being a parent is hard work. And, even though we don't have such easy access to guns in this country - when we see horrors like this unfolding it can really stoke our anxiety and the need to protect our children can spiral into panic mode. Anna Mathur author and psychotherapist tells us; “Introduce some self-compassion as you navigate these conversations. Traumatic events like this are a lot for children to compute, but are also a lot for adults to make sense of too. They can amplify feelings of anxiety due to the challenge of safety and increased uncertainty.

"I find it helpful to remind myself not to write myself into the stories of others, as we can find our hearts responding as if we were going through it too. A reminder to keep healthy distance if you need to, or mute the news as you process what you’ve heard, so that you don’t feel overwhelmed. 

“The important thing is that you don’t pressure yourself to have the ‘perfect response’. You can equip yourself with tools and insights like the ones helpfully shared within this article, but nobody can control how a conversation will go, or be received. It’s okay to admit that you don’t have the answers. Children don’t need perfect parents as they learn to navigate this imperfect world. It can be helpful for children to see that it’s okay not to be able to make sense of everything.

 “Everyone has different stories and experiences, and they inform the way we feel and navigate news events such as this. So, if you are struggling, please do seek support by talking to a friend who has historically been kind and supportive.”

Video of the Week:

Millions of young people in the UK navigate the process of 'coming out', and the first hurdle is often telling you – their parents or guardians. 

Molly Houghton from youth charity The Proud Trust has discussed how difficult and ongoing the process can be, telling us, "It’s important to know that coming out isn’t a one-and-done process. Coming out is something that young people will continue to do for most of their lives. It’s that first one that can be difficult though, once that first band-aid comes off, the whole process becomes a whole lot easier for them." 

Your child might already have come out to you as gay, lesbian or bisexual, or you want to be prepared for a discussion that might arise in the future. To help you be equipped for the conversation, this is what the experts say about how to talk to kids about all things sexuality in an age-appropriate way. 

Why is talking to children about being gay, lesbian or bisexual important?

This is a fair question, and with so much of LGBTQ+ media focused around sex and relationships, you may feel that it's not necessary to delve into the world of labels, preferences and identity if your child is still young. It might be the case you aren't aware of some identities, such as demisexual, asexual, pansexual or the terminology your child might use, which prevents you tackling these themes with your child. However, much like talking to children about periods and other facts of life, starting the conversation sooner offers a better chance to make sure they get the correct information.

A research review in association with Harvard Medical School also shows that the earlier you talk to kids about these key issues, the less likely they are to have internalised stress about their sexuality in their teens and adulthood. "One of the biggest fears we hear from youth is that their parents and important adults in their lives will stop loving them because they are 'different'," says Samantha King, a family support and education specialist in the Gender & Sexuality Development Clinic at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. "Kids are very sensitive to a lack of support – wherever it comes from. As parents, we can be a buffer to negative talk and prevent long-term negative health outcomes."

By talking to children early, parents can create "moments of inclusion in our families and social networks," Samantha says. "Our kids are listening and absorbing what we do, say or not say when a gay joke is told in our presence, a transgender person is misidentified, or a person is belittled because of who they are or how they dress."

According to Healthy Children, the suspicion of being 'different' emerges throughout childhood, but children will likely not understand these feelings. With children exploring gender and relationships from a young age, "coming out" and sharing what they're going through can happen at any time, and parents and carers need to be prepared.

How they're feeling can be frightening for LGBTQ+ children and teens, and isolation from their peers can occur. Healthy Children urges parents that children who feel loved and accepted for who they are have an easier time, reiterating the importance of creating safe spaces for children to explore interests and feelings without judgment. Engaging in regular conversations about their interests, friendship groups, and being watchful of any bullying that could be happening, is also important.

How to talk to kids about coming out as gay, lesbian or bisexual

1. Start having the conversations early

The best way to show kids from a young age that you’re accepting of them, whoever they turn out to be, is having conversations about how some people are different from others. Explaining to them that some families may look different to the one they have – and that’s totally normal. 

"The conversation grows as they do," Molly, who is a key member of The Proud Trust's communications team, explains. "If you’re talking to a five-year-old, then it’s conversations around how some people have two mummies and some people have two daddies. Just like how you would explain that some people have one mummy and that’s okay." 

Start off small by introducing them to more diverse books which you can read together, for example. Research from The Literacy Trust shows that the types of books children read in their early years have a huge impact on their reading and writing ability, as well as their understanding of other cultures. 

The review, which looks at how reading for pleasure impacts children as they grow, also suggested that positive reading habits in the early years offered kids’ more insight into human nature and promoted better community participation later in life.

Mum-of-one Tiffany has a brother who had difficulty coming out to his family. She wants to teach her own one-year-old son about differences in sexuality and gender, from a young age. Tiffany said: "My brother is gay and grew up in a time where it was difficult to be openly gay which meant he didn't come out to most of his family and friends until he was 18.

"I can't imagine how difficult it must be to conceal such a big part of your identity and I never want my children to feel they have to be anything but themselves. My son is still very small but I make sure to read him books that embrace all kinds of different people and ways of living." 

2. Answer their questions

This may sound simple but it’s often the easiest way of letting your kids know that you’re cool with it, whatever ‘it’ might be. If they come to you with a question about being part of the LGBTQ+ community, it already shows they trust you. So try to be as open as possible. 

“When it comes to seven- and eight-year-olds, how you’d have that conversation would be different. They’ll often ask the questions. Have that chat with them, explaining that some people may fancy boys, some people may fancy girls and some people might fancy someone who doesn’t identify as either of those and that’s okay. And then as they grow into looking at their own sexuality, let that conversation be led by them as well,” says Molly. 

But often it’s not actually the answer that’s the most awkward part of kids’ questions (most of us can handle the classic “where do babies come from?”), it’s not knowing what to say. 

"You don't have to have all the answers," says our parenting editor Stephanie Lowe. "It's just important not to dismiss the questions. It's completely okay to be honest and say 'I don't know' if you don't. And suggest that you look into it together. Just because you're the adult doesn't mean you have to know all the things all the time, showing your child this honesty and vulnerability will only help to build a connection and make communication that little bit easier."

According to the NSPCC, coming out was the top concern for LGBTQ+ young people contacting Childline in the last couple of years. Many were concerned about their family's reaction, and some already out felt they weren’t taken seriously. Others suggested they wouldn't feel ready to come out until adulthood, and coming out at any time is ok, but familial support is a key factor in coming out safely.

They reiterate the point that not having the answers to your child's questions is ok, suggesting that listening to how they feel will be helpful, along with helping them come out to friends and other family members; their research suggests coming out to multiple people is stressful for young people. They also advocate finding help if you're all finding things difficult as a family, along with advice about how to tackle bullying. 

3. Do your research

As with all social issues, the language and how we speak about LGBTQ+ topics has changed so dramatically (and for the better) over the years. So much so that even people in the community struggle to keep up sometimes. If you’re not part of it yourself or don’t have another reason why you’d be engaged in the conversation, like having gay or bisexual friends, it’s easy to miss things. This means, while it’s totally fine to not get it right 100 percent of the time, it’s important to know key words and phrases – and the ones not to use. 

Whether for fear of alienating your child by referring to an outdated stereotype or unknowingly passing on outdated language, keeping up to date with key issues affecting the community is a huge show of support for your child and for the community as a whole. 

As well as this, many LGBTQ+ charities have whole dedicated sections on their websites for helping parents and other trusted adults understand how to talk to kids about sexuality. For example, The Proud Trust has among its resources a sexual orientation explainer to deconstruct the key labels that many people refer to, such as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender (LGBT), and what they mean today. They also have a comprehensive guide on how to support young people who are actively coming out.

If you’re finding it difficult to approach these topics, whatever the reason, try to be as open as you feel like you can be. Molly advises, "Do any research that you want to and acknowledge that things have changed now, in the same way that social media and the internet has changed. Things evolve." 

4. Let your child start the conversation

"Let the young people lead the conversation," Molly advises. "The way that it is now might change. They might say ‘this is how I’m feeling but I don’t quite have a label for that yet’. Knowing that’s okay and it may be something that they’ve not got figured out straight away." 

It might also be the case that they don’t want to speak to you about it at all. They may not have discovered who they are – or who they like – just yet or, they may be getting support and resources from other avenues. It's certainly not a perfect system by a long shot, but the government recently made LGBTQ+-inclusive sex and relationships education mandatory in all state schools. This means that many children from primary school-age all the way through to A-levels may have lessons on identity, relationships and safe sex from a queer perspective. 

In this case, your role as a parent or guardian would just be to be there for them. "I think just letting the young people figure out what they want to figure out is the best thing. Let yourself be a sounding board for them, encourage them to have a chat if and when they’re ready," Molly says. 

5. Think about your own feelings

If you’re having reservations or concerns about the prospect of your child coming out, you’re not alone. While acceptance and celebration of LGBTQ+ relationships and culture has come a very long way since homosexuality was legalised in 1967, it’s fair to say that we’re not quite there yet. 

"For many parents, it’s not always necessarily that they’ve got a problem with their child’s sexuality. It’s that their child might now face difficulties. They don’t want their child to have a hard life – ever. And the fact that their child might face homophobia or other difficulties in their life as a result of their sexuality or gender identity is often the biggest worry most parents have," Molly explains. 

That’s where seeking physical support from a parent’s group may help. The Proud Trust has their very own one-to-one chat service called Proud Connections, where adults who support young LGBTQ+ people (and kids themselves) can chat with a trained support worker in confidence. While they may ask questions to understand your situation better, it's up to you what that conversation is about. So, whether you have concerns about your child coming out, or just want more information, that's the place to go. 

“There are a lot of parent support groups out there and they’re a fantastic resource,” Molly adds. “Go to those groups and be honest, say that your child is identifying as this, you have no idea what it means and you don’t know how I feel about it’.” 

More often than not, you’ll be joined by other adults who feel exactly the same way and using those spaces as a “sounding board to talk about your feelings” is essential. “Because while it is a journey for the child, exploring their own identity, it’s also a journey for the parents as well. They may have perceived their child’s life to be one way - and now it’s going to be another.”

6. Let other people do the talking

While you can do all the talking and listening in the world, there’s sometimes no one better to talk to kids about LGBTQ+ identity than those in the community themselves. Check out our list of hit television shows, bloggers and vloggers who can all offer insight into what it means to be part of the community today.

One Day At A Time

This recommendation comes straight from communications officer Molly. One Day At A Time, which is available to stream on Netflix, features a main character who is the newly single parent of two children (one of whom comes out as a lesbian). While her mum wants her to have the best experience ever so that she can re-tell her 'coming out story' in an exclusively positive light, she also doesn't know whether she's okay with it herself.

The character, Penelope, has perceived her daughter to have one life and that life is not going to look the way that she thought it would. Looking at a parent's journey with coming to terms with her child's sexuality, it's both a funny and entertaining watch as well as a programme for relatable guidance.

Watch on Netflix

Modern Family

The mockumentary-style show, available to watch on Disney+, was a hit the second it came onto screens in 2009. Among the other colourful characters that make up the extended family, there's Cam and Mitchell Pritchett. Played by Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet, the two became the first main characters to be in a long-term, committed gay relationship on primetime television.

As well as being hugely entertaining and inclusive in other ways, Modern Family shows a happy, loved-up (and often bickering) queer couple to be just the same as their heterosexual counterparts across the road.

Watch on Disney+

Sex Education

With the final series airing on Netflix just last year, Sex Education is one of the UK's most-loved shows. Famous for its all-inclusive approach to topics including (as the title would suggest) sex, romantic relationships, family set-ups and friendships, the series has been particularly praised for its representation of those in the sexual minority. For example, Jean (played by Gillian Anderson) helps a student at the high school who believes there's something wrong with her - because she's asexual.

It also tackles important sex-related topics for young people today, including consent, sexual assault and abortion. While it's a hilarious and entertaining show, and an important watch for teens, it is rated 18 on the streaming service so parental discretion is advised. 

Watch on Netflix

Rowan Ellis

Rowan Ellis makes videos on YouTube about pop culture and LGBTQ+ issues, identifying as part of the community herself. In the past, she's spoken on topics including LGBT representation and history, pop culture, feminism and what it's like to be a woman on the internet. As well as being witty, insightful and a great role model for those thinking about their sexuality, Rowan offers recommendations for other great queer television shows, books and creators for young people to follow.

Watch on YouTube

Kat Blaque

It was her video on pronouns for Buzzfeed that outed Kat to her boyfriend's, family but their positive reaction and her acceptance of new-found recognition was what lead her to become "representation for other people". As she told The Advocate, "I know how it felt to not have that. It became very important to me to go outside of my comfort zone, if only to open people up to the fact that there are people that are like me."

Kat started vlogging in 2010 and in 2017 she started her True Tea series on YouTube. Communicating complex topics in way that's accessible for all age groups, Kat answers viewers' questions on racism, transphobia, Black culture and other important topics relevant to the LGBTQ+ community and society as a whole.

Watch on YouTube

Riyadh Khalaf

Irish YouTube personality Riyadh Khalaf began vlogging while he was still in school and appeared in a series of primetime documentaries in Ireland, including Growing Up Gay in 2010, before presenting his own on BBC Three in 2017 called Queer Britain. Riyadh's videos include daily life vlogs where he shares insights into his and boyfriend Josh's relationship, alongside interviews with LGBTQ+ icons including rugby player Keegan Hirst.

In 2019, Riyadh published his first novel Yay! You're Gay! Now What? A Gay Boy's Guide to Life.

Watch on YouTube

Rose Ellen Dix and Rosie Spaughton

As longstanding members of YouTube's LGBTQ+ vlogger pool, Rose and Rosie have documented the start of their relationship in 2011 through to the birth of their first child in 2021. For any young people who may struggle to see what their lives could look like as a gay, lesbian or bisexual adult, Rose and Rosie offer real-world (and hilarious) insight.

As well as sharing their own content in the form of challenges, tags, guides, gaming videos and more, the couple collaborate with other LGBTQ+ content creators for videos. In the past, this has included people such as Hannah Hart, sex-positive vlogger Hannah Witton, Shannon Beveridge, Cammie Scott and Amy Ordman - all women who identify as part of the community.

Watch on YouTube

If you're at the stage of discussing sexuality, you will likely be finding yourself talking to children about sex in the near future, or you and your children might even have questions about period sex.  You can even feel sick after sex, which can be caused by a variety of reasons, all worth knowing about. 

How to talk to children about war can be hard, our instinct is to ‘protect’ and buffer them from the scary and anxious reality of the world.

Why Russia invaded Ukraine, and the fallout from it, is everywhere. On social media, across TV screens, talked about in aisle 5 at the supermarket. All this exposure makes it even easier for children to pick up on.

Lee Chambers, Child Psychologist tells us; “It’s certainly a challenging time for children at the moment. After years of disruption from the pandemic, there is now added uncertainty of conflict that is being shared wider than ever before. For many young people, this will be their first experience of being surrounded by war reporting, and they will be naturally curious and trying to make sense of it."

Here our Family Editor Stephanie Lowe, gets the lowdown from a child psychologist and parenting expert on why, how and when to broach this daunting topic with children.

How to talk to your child about war

I'm a huge believer in transparency with guidance when it comes to sharing details with children. Kids aren't stupid. And they are so much more intuitive than we sometimes give them credit for. They pick up on tone, expression and every hushed voice you use. If you don't talk openly - to an extent - it may leave them brooding on worst case scenarios with no end in sight.

A useful place to start is by asking whether your child has heard about the conflict, and if so, what they have heard. Keeping it open ended and light in tone helps to kick start the conversation. It also gives you an idea of their knowledge, and what gaps may need filling and which needs require meeting. I.e. a big hug and a reminder that they’re safe.

I spoke with Ane Lemche, a psychologist and child counsellor with Save the Children, and she says that children around the world might not fully understand what is happening in Ukraine and may have questions about the images, stories, and conversations they are exposed to.

And, while it’s not up to the adult to have all the answers, Lee Chambers, Child Psychologist agrees that parents and carers should look to answer their questions. He tells me, “answer with a calm accuracy, remember that they will pick up on our emotive state and potentially mirror that.”

Also bear ages in mind, Lee warns; “For children who are older, and with a mobile phone, they are likely to have access to social media and older peers, and have already heard various viewpoints. So, when they talk to you, be fully present and provide space for them to be listened to and feel heard.”

He adds; “It’s vital that we don't judge or neglect their concerns. That we give them the ability to express their emotions and normalise their feelings out loud.”

So, instead of ‘don’t be silly, it’s all okay. We’re all okay.’ Try ‘It’s a scary time, I know. It’s okay to feel scared and to talk about it. I'm always here for you.'

According to Lee, it’s important to consider age-appropriate language and depth when it comes to talking about war and conflict. “Ensure to not dismiss their curious concerns while at the same time try not to amplify anxieties with too much detail.”

If your child comes to you with a piece of information that you don’t think is accurate, rather than dismissing it, lead with curiosity.

Ask what their source is, and then work together to cross-reference the information with credible news outlets to test accuracy. He also recommends that now is a good time to support their understanding that many aspects are out of our control. And there are many people working to ensure the situation will be resolved.

Ultimately Lee says; “it goes without saying that we should do what we can to limit children's consumption of the news. And we shouldn't force the conversation or assume that we know our child's perspective without understanding their worries first.”

Kirsty Ketley, Parenting Consultant agrees, "I think for younger children, if they don't seem to be affected by what is going on, then there is no need to bring the subject up.

"If they do mention it, you don't need to over-explain things, just keep it simple and appropriate for their age/stage of development. Parents know their children best, so they will know their child's threshold for information."

Talking to children about war is always a fine balance, but it is the perfect time to ensure you listen, be aware of your own emotions and provide a safe space for your child to feel supported while still able to explore their feelings and fears.

When looking for signs of anxiety, Kirsty says; "Younger children's behaviour might change, they might have nightmares or find it hard to sleep. They might also complain that they have a tummy ache and become quite clingy. They will be struggling to make sense of things. Older children may seem withdrawn, moody, or angry about things they wouldn't usually be upset about.

Ane adds; “What is happening in Ukraine can be frightening for both children and adults. Ignoring or avoiding the topic can lead to children feeling lost, alone and more scared, which can affect their health and wellbeing. It is essential to have open and honest conversations with children to help them process what is happening.”

Save the Children recommend Top five Tips;

1. Make time and listen when your child wants to talk Give children the space to tell you what they know, how they feel and to ask you questions. They may have formed a completely different picture of the situation than you have. Take the time to listen to what they think, and what they have seen or heard.

2. Tailor the conversation to the child Be mindful of the child’s age as you approach the conversation with them. Young children may not understand what conflict or war means and require an age-appropriate explanation. Be careful not to over-explain the situation or go into too much detail as this can make children unnecessarily anxious.

Younger children may be satisfied just by understanding that sometimes countries fight. Older children are more likely to understand what war means but may still benefit from talking with you about the situation. In fact, older children will often be more concerned by talk of war because they tend to understand the dangers better than younger children do.

3. Validate their feelings It is important that children feel supported in the conversation. They should not feel judged or have their concerns dismissed. When children have the chance to have an open and honest conversation about things upsetting them, it can create a sense of relief and safety.

4. Reassure them that adults all over the world are working hard to resolve this Remind children that this is not their problem to solve. They should not feel guilty about playing, seeing their friends, and doing the things that make them happy. Stay calm when you approach the conversation. Children often copy the sentiments of their caregivers – if you are uneasy about the situation, chances are your child will be uneasy as well. Kirsty adds: "Younger children who are worried may find looking at the countries on a map to see the distance between them and us, reassuring."

5. Give them a practical way to help Support children who want to help. Children who have the opportunity to help those affected by the conflict can feel like they are part of the solution, such a how to donate to Ukraine. Kirsty agrees and tells: "Kids can feel like they are part of the solution when they fund raise, donate or even by displaying pictures in the window, showing their support. My own kids are taking on a 43 mile walk challenge throughout March to raise money for Save the Children who are working out there, for instance."

Video of the week

Many parents find talking about periods with children undoubtedly difficult. You don't want to start too early and leave them with more questions than answers, but holding back information may mean they learn about the facts of life from other, potentially unreliable, sources. 

This is especially true when it comes to discussions about the menstrual cycle, recent research from Shine Aloud UK reveals. 1 in 4 girls reportedly start their period before they learn about it at school, meaning there are gaps in their knowledge which could cause unnecessary fear and confusion. Over 30% of those surveyed felt they did not learn all they needed to at school about how their body changes during puberty.

So if you want to start talking to your child - no matter their gender - about periods, period products and how bodies change during puberty, these are some pointers from the experts to get started.

Talking about periods with kids

1. No time is too young to start talking

Learning how to talk to children about periods early on is essential in ditching the taboo around puberty. Young children might have questions already, especially if they see period products around the home, or you can bring it up naturally using adverts, television programmes or even introduce them to the topic with a book.

While lots of parents are worried that talking about periods and puberty at an early age will scare or embarrass their child, it's better to be safe than sorry. Most girls start their periods at the age of 12, according to the NHS, and it's not unusual for some young people to get them at nine or 10 years old.

It will be more traumatic for them to start their period without explanation than to discuss it before it happens. And boys will start hearing things on the grapevine soon before, so you want to make sure they know it's something perfectly natural and not something to make their friends or classmates feel insecure about.

Traci Baxter, expert at Bodyform says, "Remember that there is no such thing as a typical age for the first period and starting at 9 is just as normal as starting at 16. However, if your daughter is the first or the last to start her period, she may need some extra reassurance from you."

2. Spread it over lots of smaller conversations

Once you've broken the ice and had your first period-related chat, set it up as an ongoing conversation. Let your child know that they can come to you with any questions about periods and puberty early on, so they don't feel nervous to come to your for help when it actually starts.

Traci says, "Talking about periods as part of an ongoing process, rather than a formalised sit-down talk, is a positive approach to take."

She adds, "Whilst it might seem like a mountainous task bringing up the topic of periods to an unwilling teen, the more awkward you make the experience, the more likely this will rub off on your daughter."

Keira O'Mara, mum and founder of Mama Designs, says this exact point is why she started creating products for young teens. "As a result of starting conversations with my 10 year old daughter about periods I went on to create A First Period gift set, which contains a book that we read together "The Girls Guide to Growing Up". I also created a teen range of our Mama Designs reusable sanitary pads (which are also in the set)."

She says, "Having something to show her and give her helped us have a conversation and for her to understand a bit more about what would be happening. I think although she is a way off it happening to herself, the fact that she has friends who have started their periods means it's a good time to open the conversation."

3. Use positive language when talking about periods

A study conducted by Bodyform UK, experts found that nearly 50% of girls don't want to talk to friends and family about periods. As Traci says, "We still live in a society where girls hide pads up their sleeves, and where provocative images of period stains are removed from social media. In short, menstruation is still taboo. So, we need to remove the stigma and talk about girls' puberty in a positive light."

Using positive, reassuring and ultimately clear language is the best way to go about this. Steer away from archaic euphemisms for periods, like "Shark Week" or the "Crimson Wave", which paint an overwhelming picture of the experience that's very different to the reality. Instead, the NHS suggests, use clear language like "vagina" and "uterus". Not only will this make the whole situation seem more normal as they may have heard these words before at school, but they're not words which have scary or negative connotations.

Additionally, be sure to remind them that they're not alone in this. This is an experience that most women go through. Many of their friends will also be going through the same thing, all around the same time. If you're a woman who has a period, talk to them about your own experience and how you manage it to normalise the whole thing.

4. Bring it up when the time is right

As well as these steps, using the opportunities given to you in daily life - like in the bathroom or at the supermarket - is a great way to start talking about periods.

If you're in the supermarket with your child, have a wander past the toiletries aisle with the sanitary towels, tampons and other periods products. If they understand what periods are and what they'll likely need to manage their period, you might ask them whether there's anything they need.

This will tell you whether they really understand the situation, what's going to happen and what they'll need to manage their period. From here, you can continue the conversation in a more private space - like the car ride home. It's also a great way to show that periods aren't embarrassing or anything to be ashamed of, they're just another normal part of life and you pick up what you need from the supermarket just like anything else.

5. Brush up on the basics yourself

If you're a woman who's had a period for years now, you might have forgotten the basics because it's just a normal part of life. But kids will have heard things, read things and will naturally have plenty of questions all about the ins and outs of periods.

Traci says some of the most common FAQs that adults forget about are the simple ones - how much blood will be lost? Where should I get rid of the products? What happens if I go to school and forget to take a tampon or pad? So make sure you can discuss and explain fully - but in an age appropriate way. And if they catch you out, take it as a moment to learn together and find out the answer.

The same goes for talking to boys about periods too. Be sure to explain to them how it works, why women have periods and be prepared to answer any bizarre questions they have because of what they might have heard at school.

6. Ask them questions about what they know or might have heard

You can only hold back the tide of rumours so much at home. As soon as kids start to go through the early stages of puberty, probably in primary school, there will be chats all over the playground about what happens to both girls and boys as they go through puberty.

While you can give them all the information you believe is suitable at the time, they might be told things at school that you couldn't have predicted. So, be sure to ask them questions about what they've heard - and let them know that you won't be angry, whatever it is.

By asking them questions, you're opening up a safe space for them to talk about topics that might be uncomfortable for them at the beginning. It also gives you the chance to correct or clarify anything they've heard that's untrue or not quite right. Also in creating this relationship now, you're setting them up to ask you questions down the line when it comes to other serious developmental topics like sex and relationships.

7. Let them find information on their own

After having the initial chat, you may find that it's better to talk to children about periods with other sources of information. They may just find it all too embarrassing to talk about or they may just not be ready to start thinking about puberty yet. Either way, it's important that they still have access to reliable, truthful and helpful advice and information as and when they want it.

That's where books, like the ones below, are invaluable.

The Girls' Guide to Growing Up 

VIEW ON WATERSTONES, £6.99

Written by parenting expert and former Agony Aunt, Anika Naik, this book is an age-appropriate guide to everything that young teenagers need to know about growing up. As well as useful information on managing puberty, periods and personal hygiene, this book covers wider topics on growing up and how bodily changes may impact the way girls feel.

Suitable for ages: 9 to 11 years

The Rough Guide To Girl Stuff

VIEW ON AMAZON, £3.69

This book, by award-winning author Kaz Cooke, is full of everything young girls need to know about the teenage years. There's plenty of information about periods, what they are and why they happen, along with practical advice and tips on how to handle them through life. Split into four different themes: Body, Head, Heart and On the Go, each chapter covers a different area of growing up and teenage life. Complete with facts, hints, inspiring lists, entertaining illustrations and real quotes from real girls, this book aims to be a young woman's companion throughout her teenage years and a great way for parents to talk to children about periods.

Suitable for ages: 9 - 15 years

Celebrate Your Body (and Its Changes, Too!): The Ultimate Puberty Book for Girls

VIEW ON AMAZON, £9.18

Celebrate Your Body is an entry-level book into the world of puberty by author Sonya Renee Taylor. It helps girls to face the changes happening to their bodies head-on, so they know what's coming and can be prepared for it - whether they have started their period or not. Rooted in making girls feel excited about growing up and empowered, rather than scared or overwhelmed, this book covers what young teenagers may want to know about period care, new body body hair, bras and more.

All three of these books have age-appropriate introductions to sex education, as well as tips and advice on dealing with social media, staying safe online, food issues, exercise and other issues that teenagers are likely to face through the years.

Video of the week

Want to know how to talk to kids about organ donation? The good news is that, kids often find these conversations much easier than adults, so follow these tips to keep the conversation light, positive and child friendly.

How to talk to kids about organ donation

From an early age, children will begin to gain an understanding of how bodies work and the different parts of their own body. They may also be able to name some of their organs. 

You can help them notice how clever our bodies are. They will understand getting poorly but then feeling better again. Point out that they can feel their heart beating, or show them how they’re able to take big, deep breaths into their lungs. 

From the time they start school, children rapidly soak up facts and information. You can use story books to show that some people get very sick, can be in an accident, or have parts of their body that don’t work the way they should. These conversations should focus on teaching your child empathy, and how our bodies – and other people's bodies should be treated with kindness. 

At this age you might want to talk about how organs such as a heart can sometimes be replaced if they stop working. Explain that when someone is very unwell, doctors may give them a new organ from a generous person who no longer needs it. 

Gradually children will begin to understand that people can be sick enough to die. Reassure them that this is rare in children. Keep the conversation light and matter of fact when talking about your own death or if they ask about members of your family dying. Talk about real life examples of how organ donation has saved someone’s life – such as a story on TV, focusing on the amazing aspect of making someone well again.

What to do

Normalise parts of our bodies and how they work.

Explain how some people get ill, but they can recover again.

Teach and show using stories that are suitable for your child’s age.

Adopt a positive tone of voice and reassuring facial expressions. 

Answer any questions your child might have. Be prepared for lots or none at all. The NHS organ donation website answers lots of frequently asked questions.

Chat to your teens about organ donation

Teenagers are forming their opinions about the world. Encourage them now to make positive decisions about their own bodies and to treat themselves and others with kindness and respect. 

Your teen will be learning about donation at school. The topic of blood, organ and stem cell donation has now been included on the PSHE National Curriculum for all secondary schools in England.

But that’s not to say you won’t have to plug some knowledge gaps or set them straight on common misconceptions about organ donation. Don’t make a big deal out of it and approach it as a friendly chat. Tell them how you feel about organ donation and encourage them to share their thoughts on it too. 

As their parent, whatever your child’s organ donation decision, you’re able to register this on the NHS Organ Donor Register. They can also register themselves. But if a child dies in circumstances where donation may be possible, parent or guardian support would be needed for it to go ahead.

 Your teenager will also be asked to register their organ donation decision if applying for their provisional driving licence. Give them the right information now, to help them make their own decision. 

For more information on how to talk to your loved ones about organ donation, visit organdonation.nhs.uk

In this video, families talk about how they had the conversation about organ donation - and why it’s so important to talk about your decision

Signs of bullying can be hard to spot. Anti-bullying week 2020 is this week and it's a chance for schools and parents to talk to kids about bullying and better understand what the signs of bullying are.

This year the goal of Anti-Bullying Week is to emphasise the collective responsibility required to stop bullying. The theme for Anti-Bullying Week 2020 is "United Against Bullying".

A study by Ditch the Label found that three out of four young people said that bullying had affected their mental health, with nearly half becoming depressed as a result of the experience.

The charity asked 2,300 young people, aged between 12 and 20, about their experiences of bullying. The research found one in five young people in the UK were bullied in the past 12 months, and one in 10 stated bullying happened on a daily occurrence. A third of the respondents who had experience bullying said they experienced suicidal thoughts and 41% felt anxious as a result.

Of the respondents, 62% experienced bullying by a school classmate, and 37% by someone who attended their school but they did not know. Sadly, nearly two-thirds of respondents believed others' attitudes towards their appearance was the cause of bullying.

The most common was verbal, followed by social exclusion, intimidation and physical bullying. Despite the upsurge in social media usage, cyberbullying was found to be the least common form of bullying.

In light of the "worrying" data, children's commissioner for England, Anne Longfield said, "more needs to be done". She continued, "It is worrying that one in five children are experiencing some form of bullying. More needs to be done at home and in schools to help those who are the victims of bullying and also, crucially, to prevent children from bullying in the first place."

But how can we spot the signs of bullying quickly? And what can we do to help our children?

Signs of bullying to look out for

• They come home from school with cuts, bruises or torn clothing.
• They're hungry, or have walked home, having had bus fare or lunch money stolen.
• They're unusually moody or withdrawn, or are picking fights at home.
• Their work and grades at school start to slide.
• They're reluctant to go to school, insist on being driven there, or pretend to be unwell.
• Their eating habits change, or they aren't sleeping well.

What to do if you spot signs of bullying or your child is being bullied

The Anti-Bullying Alliance suggests parents communicate the following messages to children who are dealing with bullying:

• It doesn’t matter what colour hair you have; what trainers you are wearing; how you speak; how you walk; how you talk – it is not your fault if you get bullied.  We are all different in some way and that’s what makes us amazing.
• Whether you are a boy or a girl, old or young, big or small – bullying makes you feel rubbish and it’s okay to be upset about it. The important thing is that you tell someone about it.
• If you feel you can, talk to a teacher you trust or a family member.  If you don’t want to do that you can always call Childline 0800 11 11 or visit www.childline.org.uk.
• Write down what happened, when it happened, and who was involved. If the bullying is online, keep the evidence – save or copy any photos, videos, texts, e-mails or posts.
• It can be tempting if you are being bullied to take revenge – for example to send a horrible message back to someone; to try and embarrass and hurt the other person, or to fight back. This is not a good idea – you might end up getting in trouble or get yourself even more hurt.
• Think about other ways you can respond to bullying. For example, practice saying ‘I don’t like it when you say that/do that – Stop.' Think about other people who can help you if you are being bullied – this could be other classmates, or a teacher.
• Only spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself. If someone constantly puts you down they are not a real friend/ boyfriend/ girlfriend - and not worth your time.
• Be kind to yourself, and do things that make you feel good, relax and make new friends. You might make music; write lyrics; draw cartoons; dance; act or join a sports club. This is your life so make sure it’s the best life possible – don’t let anyone bring you down.
• Remember to respect other people! Just because someone is different to you and your friends – that doesn’t mean you are better than them or have a right to make them feel bad. If you mess up, say sorry. You don’t have to be friends with everyone – but you should always make it clear that you don’t like it when people bully others, and stick up for people who are having a hard time.

As mentioned above, some experts suggest showing your child how to face bullies with confidence. This can include teaching them to project a positive, assertive attitude and walk with confidence, while moving away from people who they think might cause trouble.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsK3cdw6b8E

It can also be useful to role play situations to help your child know what to do if they are approached by a bully. Give them encouraging, positive feedback to help their confidence, and offer tips on how to ignore anyone being mean to them and who to tell if they do have a problem.

Having regular conversations about your child’s mental health, feelings and emotions in a relaxed environment can help parents provide support to their children. Read our guide on how to talk to children about mental health if you have concerns.

Expert tips to beat bullying for anti-bullying week 2020

Sue Ormersher, Senior Press Officer from Family Lives, shares her advice on how to stop bullies below.

If, after reading the below, you're still worried about your child then don't hesitate to contact Bullying UK, part of Family Lives. They provide support and advice for families experiencing all sorts of bullying problems.

• Keep calm: your first reaction may be anger, but you can't let your child see this. They need to be reassured and may be less likely to trust you again, if you get irate.
• Talk to your child: let them know you're there for them and that you love them, and don't pressurise them into talking to you.
• Suggest someone else they can talk to: not all kids want to talk to parents, so think of someone else they trust, such as a grandparent, other relative or close friend.
• Reassure them: tell your child that it's not their fault and they shouldn't feel ashamed that they're being targeted.
• Raise their self-esteem: bullying hits a child's self-confidence, so praise and encourage them at every possible opportunity.

Dealing with the source of the bullying problem

1. Have a quiet chat to your child's teacher - either a quick word on the phone or go in before school.

2. Many schools are very good when it comes to bullying and they'll do a special assembly about it to highlight the problem.

3. If you don't get anywhere with the school, ask to see a copy of their anti-bullying policy. All schools are legally required to have one.

4. Then ask to see the headteacher and keep a record of any meetings you have. If you're still not happy, try contacting the Chairman of Governors or your Local Educational Authority.

5. Make a list of all the questions you want to ask and take someone along with you, so you don't miss anything that they may say.

If you're worried bullying may be affecting your child's mental health speak to your GP, YoungMinds mental health charity or The Anti-Bullying Alliance. If you child is being bullied and are in need of support, they can contact the National Bullying Helpline on 08452255787. 

If you're wondering how to talk to your child about sex then first, congratulations on trying to break the parenting cycle. If the thought of talking openly about sex with your kids feels awkward know that this makes sense if you never had this with adults in your life. It's great that you recognise that they learn about sex and the facts of life from a trusted source, instead of in the playground or online. So, let's get into it.

But feeling uncomfortable, not knowing what to include in 'the talk' or how to talk about it are just some of the primary motives that stop parents from talking to their children about sex. And while it's true that with more inclusive sex education being taught in schools from this year onwards and there's a big chance that you won't have to cover as much ground as you might have, all children will likely leave those lessons with more questions than answers.

We chatted to Kemi Omijeh who is a BACP registered psychotherapist and clinical supervisor, she told us: "Talking about sex should be done alongside talking about healthy romantic relationships and consent. Talking about sex differs from talking about body parts - the two often get conflated. Children show curiosity about their body at a young age - it’s important to give children the correct names for their body parts, not nicknames. This supports with body autonomy, consent and safeguarding children. It provides a good foundation for later discussion on puberty and sex.

You might have already touched on talking about sex with your children at home, or at least covered the basics around puberty like body changes, but don't presume that one chat is enough. While not all teenagers will be having sex from the moment they turn 16, it's important that if and when they do, they are prepared properly with accurate information and advice to make decisions for themselves. Here's how to get started with talking to your children about sex...

How to talk to your child about sex

Sticking to need-to-know information is the best way to go, says relationship counsellor and sex therapist at Relate, Ammanda Major. "As with any questions a child might have, it's important to answer them in an age appropriate way. It’s something around choosing appropriate language and knowing that it’s okay to ask questions and dealing with the questions and not overloading the child with additional information, going very much at their pace."

"If it's factual information like where babies come from, I think most parents could have a go at explaining that." She adds, "But it's about the language that you use and about encouraging the sense that it's important to feel comfortable in a sexual context, important to feel close to someone and feeling safe enough to be sexual and not about doing things that you don't want to do.

"If you talk to your child in an embarrassed and cut-off way, the child is going to pick up that it's not really okay to talk about this stuff. I think children are naturally curious a lot of the time so they are going to come home with queries and questions or observations. They may ask you about your relationship, so [in that case] it’s how much is appropriate to share with a child about what’s private between you and partner."

If your child comes home wondering where babies come from or with more intricate questions, it's best to be prepared with something to say. Especially as a recent poll by the Sex Education Forum suggests that young people actually receive the majority of their relationships and sex education at home, across a huge range of issues from 'how to tell if a relationship is healthy' and dealing with puberty to 'pregnancy options' and contraception. It's these types of conversations that can help keep children safe as they are growing up, with statistics showing that those who receive 'effective' relationships and sex education more likely to delay sex until they are ready, use contraception and are less likely to have an unwanted pregnancy or an STI.

By doing this, you're making it clear that they can go back and ask any questions anytime, and that you're not going to tell them off for doing so. "So that they know it's okay to talk about sex an relationships. It's about making yourself available. Not every parent finds it easy to talk with their child about this topic and so you know, perhaps giving a bit of thought beforehand if you know your child is having these lessons at school and thinking about how you might approach the questions."

But if you're finding it all a little awkward, that's completely normal. Ammanda says, however, to think about why that's the case. She encourages parents to think over how they feel about talking to their child about sex and relationships and ask themselves, "Do I look forward to [speaking about] it? Or do I feel like it's embarrassing? Do I not want to talk about it because my own relationship is not what I hoped it was?"

Through understanding your own feelings of talking about sex, you'll be able to give a more positive experience to your child. "Just think about how you wish you'd been spoken to about it," Ammanda advises, "And what you would have liked to be different, [that will tell you] how you can help your child understand things in the best way possible that's appropriate for their age group."

What age is the best time to talk to your child about sex?

There are lots of opinions around this, though it really is down to you as a parent, your child and your values and beliefs. As a general guidance, when your child is showing an interest in the topic is a good time to engage in the conversation. This is based on the assumption that the parent has developed a good relationship with their child that allows the child to come with their curiosity and questions.

Kemi agrees; "This should predominantly be a parental decision. It will be influenced by their own experiences and how they were parented around talking about sex and cultural factors like religion."

She goes on to add the importance of having information early ,"Being informed early about sex, doesn't harm children nor is it the same as giving them license to engage in sexual intercourse. These are common misconceptions from adults who are engaging with the topic through their own lens and experiences."

20 tips for talking to children and teens about sex and relationships

How to talk to children under 13 about sex

1. Put yourself in their shoes - As Ammanda says, think about how you were told about sex. Was it informative? Or was it an uncomfortable sit down with a parent over the dinner table? By thinking about what you would have wanted when you were your child's age is one of the best ways to start thinking about having the talk. You might even decide that you're not going to do it at all, but instead give them a book to read (scroll down for the best ones to buy) or pass the baton onto someone who might have a more suitable relationship with the child. It doesn't always have to a parent who has the chat. Also when it comes to talking to children about sex, it's worth thinking about what you wanted to know before your first sexual encounter. Just because you talk to your child about sex really doesn't mean that they are going to rush off and have it. Talking openly and giving them accurate information will take away the mystery and confusion around sex and help them make safer, healthier choices throughout their life.
2. Just have a chat - If you bring sex into everyday conversation it will be so much easier to talk about, so don't make a big fuss about it and insist on sitting down and having a 'serious talk'. Your teenager may run a mile. Instead, just mention things when they pop into your head. You could talk about relationships on TV soaps, news stories about teenage pregnancy, and use cues to bring up difficult subjects such as sexual abuse or masturbation. If it's part of your normal discussions, this will help your child to feel confident about talking about sex with you.
3. What do they know already? - You'll probably be amazed by how much your child has already picked up from their mates, from TV and sex education at school. Find out what they do and don't know, then fill the gaps and put them right on anything untrue they may have heard.
4. Help them through puberty - This can be a scary and confusing time for your child. Their body will be starting to change as they are developing, with pubic hair growing and hormones kicking in. With menstruation and growing breasts and wet dreams and voice breaking, it's a lot for children of any gender to cope with. But puberty doesn't happen overnight. It's a series of developments that can take years. Explain to your child what's happening to their body and why. The average age is 12 to 14 in girls and 13 to 15 in boys, but future teens as young as nine or younger are now starting their periods. When you and/or your partner started puberty will be a good indicator of when your child will start theirs.
5. Teach respect - Tell them that as well as respecting other people's feelings about intimacy, it's important that they respect themselves and their own bodies too. They may regret doing something they're not ready for. Tell them that their body is private and that no-one has the right to touch them or do anything else that they don't want them to do without their permission. "This was a really important first part of talking to my girls about sex," says Polly, mum of two teenage girls. "Teaching them about consent has to start early, so I started by making sure they knew all about their own bodies, what was appropriate and what wasn't, and making sure they didn't keep any 'body secrets' was how we started, quite early. Making these conversations natural and a part of family life also means they're not such a big deal later on, when you have to talk about puberty, sex and relationships."

6. Explain your values - It's important to talk about your moral or religious values with your child. They may not adopt them too but if you explain why you'd be unhappy if they had underage sex, for example, or sex before marriage, it can be a talking point for you both to discuss yours and their beliefs.
7. They'll want to experiment - Of course they'll be curious about their bodies once they hit puberty, if not before. Reassure them that it's perfectly normal to have these new feelings of arousal and encourage them to talk to you if they're worried about their development. "I knew my son's school was going to start talking about sex and puberty in Year 6," says Joanne. "But I wanted to be the first person to talk to him about sex, masturbation, pornography and so forth. So I bought him this book, 'Sex is a Funny Word', and we read it together the year before. It made things so much easier as we had a structure to work towards."
8. What about sexual feelings? - Feeling sexually aroused is all part of growing up and it's important to tell them that this is natural but give them the privacy they need to figure it out for themselves. As much as it's useful to have lots of information, letting children discover things by themselves is also vital.
9. Too embarrassed? - Don't put off talking to your child because you're embarrassed. They probably will be too. Read up on the subject first, whether that in a book or online to find out what kinds of things kids your child's age tend to want to know about.

How to talk to kids over 13 about sex

10.  Give them the facts - Talking to children about sex is no time to be wishy-washy about the facts of life, but if you're worried you haven't got the latest information - then supply it. That could be either by yourself or even through organisations such as Brook, which offers confidential advice for youngsters under the age of 25 on contraception and sex.
11. Getting intimate? - There are many ways that your teenager may become intimate without having full-blown sex. Their first kiss is even an important stage in their sexual development, so try to help them by explaining that they can still show their emotions and experiment without having sex.
12. What about love? - Explain that the best setting for sex is in a loving, or at least equally respectful, relationship.
13. No, not EVERYONE is having sex - Most young people have sex in a lasting relationship. Recent figures show that three out of every four girls and two out of every three boys haven't had sex by the time they're 16. So no, they're not all doing it! Their mates may have been bragging that they've all had sex already, but tell your child they shouldn't ever feel they have to do something they don't want to do.
14. Tell them it's OK to say no - Whatever the situation, whatever they've already said, remind them that they can say no at any time (and their partner can too). Everything should stop then and there. "Things have changed so much since I was a teenager," says Sarah, mum to teenage twin girls. "I never thought I would have to bring up the subject of choking or strangulation during sex, but it's out there, and it is happening. You can't hide from it. Girls need to know that they don't have to agree to these things and a boy who thinks that he can choke girls while having sex needs to be re-educated!"
15. Tell them about the law - Explain sexual consent to them and that it is illegal to have sex if they're under 16, especially if their partner is over 16. They could be arrested for having sex with an underage partner, or if they are underage themselves and their partner is over 16, their partner could be in trouble with the law.
16. So they've got their first boy/girlfriend? - Try to get them to open up about their feelings. How do they feel about them? Are they just good mates or do they have stronger feelings? Have they been intimate with each other? If they'll admit to that, then talk to them about the consequences.
17. What if they fall in love? - Young love can be very painful, but a really important learning curve for your child. Talk to them about their emotions and explain that sometimes relationships can end in tears, and that you're always there for them - even though it may be very difficult for you as a parent to see them be hurt. Try to get to know their partner and include them in your family life. Invite them around for dinner, chat to them too. Let them know that you care about your child's relationship with them and support it.
18. Help keep them stay safe - They may not be having an intimate relationship, but sexually transmitted infections have risen dramatically in the last decade amongst young people, so it's important that your teenager knows about STIs and the importance of safe sex.
19. What about contraception? - Of course, unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy too, so talk to your youngster about the dangers and contraceptive choices. It's very important that boys are equally aware of the importance of contraception and act responsibly when it comes to an intimate relationship. Offer to go with your teenager to your local sexual health clinic or doctor to talk about contraception.
20. What about pregnancy? - Naturally talking to children about practicing safe sex is the best way to avoid this. But if it does happen, be sure to stay calm and support your child - no matter their role in it as best as you can. Take your child to see your GP, as they will be able to confirm the pregnancy and offer advice. Of course, you can give advice and support, but your child and potentially their partner as well have to make their own minds up on what to do about the pregnancy.

10 conversation starters about sex

Here are some conversation starters to help you talk to your kids about sex:

1. "I remember being your age and having questions about my body. Is there anything you're curious about?"
2. "Have you heard anything about sex from your friends or at school that you'd like to discuss?"
3. "I noticed this scene in the movie we just watched. What did you think about how the characters acted?"
4. "As you're growing up, your body will start changing. Would you like to know more about what to expect?"
5. "Sometimes people online talk about sex. Have you come across anything you didn't understand?"
6. "It's normal to have feelings for others at your age. Do you want to talk about relationships?"
7. "I saw an article about sexting. Do you know what that is? Let's discuss why it can be risky."
8. "Everyone deserves respect in relationships. What do you think makes a relationship healthy?"
9. "If someone ever makes you feel uncomfortable, even online, you can always talk to me about it."
10. "There's a lot of incorrect information about sex out there. What have you heard that you're unsure about?"

How does social media affect how kids see sex?

Social media can have a significant impact on how kids understand sex and relationships. It's natural to feel overwhelmed or even scared when we consider how social media exposes our kids to explicit content, unrealistic expectations, and peer pressure before they're ready. We worry about them encountering misinformation, facing pressure to sext, or even becoming targets for online predators. It's okay to feel concerned - these are real issues shaping our children's attitudes and behaviours.

However, there's no need to feel powerless - there are lots of proactive steps you can take to raise your kids in an environment of open, honest communication about sex and online safety. By monitoring their online activity, promoting positive self-image and modelling responsible behaviour ourselves, we're building their confidence to make good decisions and helping them stay safe online.

What if my kid doesn't want to talk about sex?

While you might feel like now is the best time to chat to your child about sex and relationships, they might not feel the same and that's absolutely fine. Children become curious about the birds and the bees at different ages, depending on their own development, who they spend time with and what is spoken about both inside and outside the home. The best thing to do in this case is, as our expert Ammanda suggests, make the space for them to come back at another time and ask questions by reminding them that it's okay to talk about these things.

If you've decided to bring the topic up because they are having classes about it at school, but they aren't keen to talk to you about it, then you can rest easy that they are getting accurate information from their teachers. But if you want to know more about the curriculum and what they'll learn, reach out to the school and request some more information.

Alternatively, you can offer them information yourself from one of the many great sex education and puberty books out there.

How to talk to kids about pornography

Talking to your children about pornography can feel daunting. It's a sensitive topic that many of us weren't prepared for by our own parents. However, one in four kids have seen it by 11, and one in 10 have seen it by the age of 9, so it's an essential conversation to have.

Starting these conversations early, even as young as 5, might seem shocking. But don't worry – we're not suggesting explicit talks. It's more about laying a foundation of trust and open communication. Your child needs to know they can come to you with anything that makes them uncomfortable online.

"I tell parents to start three years before they think their child will need the information,” says victim advocate and student safety expert Carrie Pasquarello. “It's a lot easier to have a conversation about prevention than it's to have a harder conversation after a person is victimised. Unfortunately, kids are often only just one easy click or tap away from pornography. So, the conversation should start today.”

For younger kids:

• Keep it simple and age-appropriate
• Use everyday moments for casual chats
• Try not to overreact if they tell you they've seen something online
• Focus on body safety and what to do if they see something unsettling

As they grow older, the conversations can evolve and you can start to have conversations around:

• How porn deals with issues of consent and violence
• How sexual identity can often be ignored by 'mainstream' porn
• How porn isn't a reflection of 'real sex or or 'real' bodies

We've got more expert tips and advice in our parents' guide on How to talk to your kids about porn.

Featured experts

If you struggle to connect with your teenager, here are 25 brilliant ways to open up a conversation with them, with plenty of advice from our experts. Plus, here are the five most important things you should talk to your teen about before they start dating, and what to do if your teenager is drawn to taking risks.

Autism is a developmental disability that affects more than around 700,000 people in the UK.

Read our guide on the condition, which includes signs of autism in children and how the condition is diagnosed.

What is autism?

Autism, or autism spectrum disorder (ASD) as it's sometimes called, is a lifelong condition that affects how a person experiences the world around them, how they communicate and interact socially, as well as their interests and behaviour.

The disorder affects around 700,000 people in the UK, which is more than 1 in 100.

It is referred to as a 'spectrum disorder' because it can affect people in different ways and to varying degrees. It is also a 'hidden' disability, as people often can't tell someone has it from their appearance.

What it's really like to have autism

Autism is not always understood by the general public. In a recent survey by the National Autistic Society, 16% of autistic people and their families said they think autism is understood in a meaningful way.

An overwhelming majority of parents interviewed (87%) said people stare at their child's autistic behaviors, and 84% of autistic individuals think people judge them as strange. Even more worringly, half of families interviewed said they never leave the house because they're worried about the public's reaction.

In an attempt to raise awareness about the condition and change these statistics, NAS has produced a video that shows how a child with autism feels when going into a shopping centre. Because the condition affects how people experience the world around them, autistic children may experience sensory overload in busy places, which can lead to the child causing a scene.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lr4_dOorquQ

Educating the public about the condition can make people more understanding to the behaviours caused by the condition.

Early signs of autism

There are several signs that could mean a child has autism, mainly involving how they communicate and interact.

If you notice any of these early signs in your baby or toddler, please see your GP or health visitor.

MORE: How and when to start talking to children about racism

Signs of autism in boys

The National Autistic Society report that is it more common for men and boys to receive a diagnosis of autism. But this is not necessarily because boys are more likely to develop the disability in general.

Signs of autism in girls

It is instead believed that women and girls may be better at masking and difficulties they experience with regards to their autism, making a diagnosis more difficult to pin down.

The National Autistic Society explain, "Some say the diagnostic criteria for autism are biased towards the behaviour of men and boys. Whatever the reasons, we know that autistic women and girls are still hugely misunderstood."

Signs of autism in babies and toddlers

Pre-school children who have autism may show the following the symptoms:

• Delayed speech development or not speaking at all
• Rejecting cuddles initiated by a parent or carer (although they may initiate cuddles themselves)
• Negative reactions when asked to do something
• No awareness of other people's personal space or intolerance of people entering their own personal space
• Preferring to play alone and little interest in interacting with children of a similar age
• Rarely using gestures or facial expressions when communicating
• Avoiding eye contact
• Having repetitive movements, such as rocking back and forth
• Playing with toys in a repetitive and unimaginative way
• Preference for familiar routines and getting upset if their routine changes
• Strongly disliking certain foods based on the texture or colour or taste
• Unusual sensory interests - for example, children with ASD may sniff toys, objects or people inappropriately
• Not responding to their name being called, despite having normal hearing

Signs of autism in older children

In addition to the symptoms listed above, school-age children with autism may show the following:

• Preference for avoiding using spoken language
• Monotonous speech, sometimes preferring pre-learned phrases
• Difficulty at two-way conversations, seeming to talk 'at' people
• Taking things literally and being unable to understand sarcasm, metaphors or figures of speech
• Not understanding certain basic social interactions

How is autism diagnosed?

According to the NHS, autism can normally be diagnosed in children at around the age of two. This is when the main features of the condition - social communication and interaction - start to show and some only become noticeable once the child experiences a change in their routine, like starting nursery or school.

MORE: How to start a conversation about mental health with your children

If you notice any of the signs of autism in your child, the first step in getting a diagnosis is to see your GP or health visitor. You will then be referred to other professionals who could be a psychologist, psychiatrist, paediatrician, or a speech and language therapist.

Treatment for autism

There is no 'cure' for autism, although an official diagnosis can help children get appropriate care and support.

Approaches to helping children vary, as the condition affects people differently. Some of the most common include SPELL, TEACCH, Social Stories and counselling, but choosing the right one will come down to each individual case.

The National Autistic Society advises that any approach to helping a child with autism should be positive, building on the child's strengths and helping them to uncover their true potential as well as increasing their motivation.

To find out more, visit the National Autistic Society's website or visit your local GP.

The news of coronavirus COVID-19 is unavoidable, it’s all over the news and the primary focus of everyone’s discussions, and now with schools being closed and children at home for the foreseeable future, it’s natural that they will have a lot of questions.

If you've been struggling with how to talk to your children about coronavirus, don't worry, we've got some great expert advice and an informative yet fun video on coronavirus explained for kids to help.

You may be wondering how to answer your child's questions about coronavirus in a way which is both realistic and reassuring. With some schools still closed and the new lockdown rules in place, kids are bound to have questions about everything from why they can't go to the park, or can't see their grandparents.

Our expert, Dr Nauf AlBendar, a medical scientist at the forefront of human health research, has some advice below to help you out. Plus, Playmobil have created a video on coronavirus explained for kids, which parents are loving. Using Playmobil to help explain in a way that children can understand, what is happening right now. It's a fun yet informative way to explain coronavirus to children. Watch the video below.

Coronavirus explained for kids

This comprehensive video from the brains behind toy brand Playmobil covers a lot of questions kids might have about Covid-19. As well as explaining what coronavirus is, the video also goes through why it's important for everyone to stay at home. Coronavirus explained for kids, in a way they can digest and understand:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DlOGKpMNs4&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR29EUiq42NqBM3fvJM7QnbuVJ9xeMHbbD3xE9HEiZidf7PFzPukbygYa7M

Dr AlBendar points out that while videos such as the one made by Playmobil can be helpful to have at hand, we should still try and be careful how much information we offer children. If they only have one of two concerns at this stage, about when they might be able to see friends for example or go outside, it's best to answer those directly for now.

‘This can help too in trying to answer some of the children’s questions, but do not volunteer independently in giving too much information.’

MORE: Things to do with kids: 51 cheap activities to keep children entertained

How to talk to your children about coronavirus

Even with helpful aids like the video above, your children may still have questions, worries and fears at this uncertain time. Knowing how to answer your children's questions on coronavirus in a way which is factual and not scary can be tricky, but Dr AlBendar says it's important to remain calm and provide reassurance were possible:

‘Children can easily pick up their parent’s verbal and nonverbal cues and react accordingly. Therefore, it is important for parents to be honest and explain what is happening now in an age-appropriate manner. Calmly share simple factual information. Take time to talk and answer your child’s questions without causing alarm.’

Save the Children, the world's leading expert organisation on childhood, suggest that parents should tailor their answers to children's questions: 'Tailor your approach based on your child. Think about whether more information makes them more or less anxious.'

Save the Children also suggest:

• Ask your child what they know, answer their questions and address any misinformation.
• Validate their feelings, while reassuring them – “I understand this can be scary. We’re taking steps to keep healthy, and we’re well prepared.”
• Remind them of what’s in their power – washing hands thoroughly and often, coughing and sneezing into their elbow, getting plenty of sleep, etc.

How do you reassure a child and make sure they feel safe?

Dr AlBendar explains that putting a focus on the positive steps you as a family are already taking to be safe could help to reassure your child and possibly help them feel more in control.

‘It is important to teach children preventative measures in terms of practicing good hygiene and simple steps recommended by governing bodies to prevent the spread of disease.'

‘If we focus on everything we are doing as a family to stay safe and keep our friends and loved ones safe, this could give the child a sense of control. It could also lessen their fears and concerns.'

‘It is also useful to let their questions be a guide. Watch for clues in behaviour,’ Dr AlBendar added. ‘Some children may need extra attention and some may not openly talk about their feelings. Whatever the case, it is important for children to always know and feel that we are available.

‘That we are here for them, listening and making time for them in these uncertain times in their lives.’

‘It is also important to reassure children (if true) that they and their families are fine. We should limit, as much as possible, watching or listening to information on Covid-19 when children are present,’ says Dr AlBendar.

‘In addition, keeping a regular schedule, whenever possible, is key. Engage children in games or other extracurricular activities and promote their physical health. This, in addition to their schoolwork, will give them a sense of security and routine.’

MORE: Fun science experiments for kids to try at home

Managing your anxiety as well as your child’s during the coronavirus outbreak

Mentalhealth.org say that: 'Infectious disease outbreaks, like the current Coronavirus (Covid-19), can be scary and can affect our mental health.' So, it's not surprising if you as a parent are also feeling anxious or worried during this time. You are not alone.

Talking to others about our concerns is a good way of easing anxiety. However, if you are feeling anxious, Dr AlBendar advises that this may not be a good moment to talk to your children about the virus.

‘It is important not to talk about the virus when feeling anxious,’ she says.

‘As mentioned before, children look up to us for guidance on how to react when facing unprecedented circumstances. If we are anxious or overly worried, our children’s anxiety may rise.’

Dr AlBendar also says, ‘It is best to deal with our overwhelm first by taking some time to calm down before trying to have a conversation.’

‘Try mind-body interventions such as deep breathing exercises, sophrology, mediation, yoga and EFT,' she recommends.

'These have all been proven to be valuable tools when feeling anxious.’

Spending time together as a family, doing something fun at home such as a puzzle or a board game, can be a great way to take everyone's minds off the current situation, even if just for a little while, this could do everyone a bit of good.

With social media influences, online bullying and exam expectations, it seems children are under more pressure now than ever before. But, how’s it affecting children's mental health – and how can you talk to your children if you have concerns?

Discussing your children’s mental health with them can seem like a daunting prospect. But broaching the subject can help children feel comfortable talking about their feelings, emotions and worries later in life - and help to teach them emotional intelligence. 

One in eight children in the UK now have a diagnosable mental health disorder, according to research from YoungMinds - that's roughly three children in every school classroom. Shockingly, suicide was the most common cause of death for boys (16.2 per cent of all deaths) and girls (13.3 per cent) aged between five and 19 in 2017.

February 6th marks Time To Talk Day - an initiative designed to get more people opening up about mental health. There's a selection of online resources designed to help start these important discussions, which can sometimes feel awkward - especially with teenagers.

GoodtoKnow spoke to Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist Dr Maite Ferrin and Nick Harrop, Campaigns Manager at mental health charity YoungMinds, about how best to start the conversation with your kids about mental health.

Child mental health issues: common causes and warning signs

According to mental health charity Young Minds, the most common mental health issues and symptoms affecting children are anxiety, bullying, problems at school, exam stress and body image issues.

Anxiety in children

Anxiety disorders usually begin in adolescents. Research carried out by the Department of Health and Social Care found that one in six young people will experience an anxiety condition at some point in their lives. This means that an average of five people in your child's school class may be suffering from anxiety.

There are different types of anxiety, and many children and teens experience more than one type whether that be OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), social anxiety, health anxiety and shyness, exam stress, worry or panic attacks.

Your teen may be experiencing frequent and uncontrollable worries about anything in their day-to-day lives from exam stress and making friends at school, to body image issues. Anxiety feels different for everyone but common anxiety symptoms to look out for in your teens are restlessness, trouble sleeping and feeling sick.

Children and teenagers with depression

Depression in children and teens can be caused by family difficulties, bullying at school physical and emotional abuse and, a family history of depression. Researchers from University College London and the University of Liverpool found that 24 per cent of 14-year-old girls and nine per cent of 14-year-old boys are depressed.

According to the NHS, symptoms of depression in children often include sadness, or a low mood that doesn't go away, being irritable all the time, not being interested in things they used to enjoy and feeling exhausted.

Teen pressure and stress

Exam stress and pressures at school can cause young children and teens to feel stressed, anxious or depressed, and this might affect their eating and sleeping habits. There is a lot of pressure for kids at school including pressure to get good exam results, finding school work difficult, not getting on with teachers and finding trouble building relationships with friends.

According to Young Minds, if your child is stressed you may notice changes in their behaviour, they may not want to take part in activities they usually enjoy, refuse to go to school or behave aggressively.

Bullying and cyber-bullying

According to Young Minds bullying affects over one million young people every year. Bullying is a common experience for many kids at school - whether they’re being bullied themselves or if they are bullying someone else.

Bullying can come in different forms including physical, verbal and often anonymous cyber-bullying. If your child is being bullied, they may feel worthless, lonely, and lack confidence. In some cases, bullying can lead to mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, as well as other self-destructive behaviour such as alcohol, drugs and self-harm.

If you think your child may be being bullied, look out for changes to their behaviour. For instance, do they returned from school with bruises, do they frequently have their bus money stolen, have they changed their eating habits or have their school grades slipped.

Why should we talk to children about mental health?

Talking mental health to children can potentially be challenging, as they may not understand understand mental illness, therefore it’s important to tailor the conversation to their age. It's crucial children and young people understand that mental illness is just as real as a physical illness.

Dr Maite told GoodtoKnow, ‘Mental health is linked to and not separated from physical health, we should encourage our children to keep a healthy mental and physical style of life.

‘We can discuss the variety of feelings and emotions with children and how we can identify mental health problems, or strategies about how to deal with our anxiety or anger in a healthy manner. We should also teach our child how to prevent stress and how to recognise the early physical symptoms in our body. At the same time we should encourage routines that promote physical wellbeing (e.g. healthy eating, sleep, exercising) as this will have a direct impact on our mental health.'

When to talk to your children about mental health?

Having regular conversations about children's mental health, feelings and emotions in a relaxed environment can help parents provide support to their children.

Dr Maite said, ‘There is not a minimum age when we can start talking about mental health with our children. Mental health should be considered something as natural as talking about healthy eating and exercising, and it should be considered as part of our daily routine.’

Nick Harrop said, ‘It can help to have regular conversations about how your child is feeling and the pressures the face when you’re doing something you both enjoy – whether that’s baking a cake or kicking a ball around.’

Ideas to get the conversation started about children's mental health

It can be hard to start a conversation about mental health with your child, particularly if your child has trouble expressing their emotions. These conversation starters should help you ease into the conversation.

Start with a story

Stories are a great way to tackle talking about difficult subjects.

You can even use examples from story books, movies or celebrities to make the issue more relatable.

Try conversation starters

• How are you feeling today?
• What was the best and worst bit of your day?
• Do you want to talk about what's going on at school?

Pick the right opportunity

You will be able to spot changes in your child's mood and know when is the best time to approach a difficult topic such as mental illness with them. Nick Harrop said, 'You’re the leading expert when it comes to your child, so you can tell when they aren’t in the mood to talk, or when they aren’t responding to your attempts to strike up a conversation. Reassure them that if they don’t feel like talking now, they can always talk to you at any other time.'

If your child struggles to talk about their mental health with you it's important you act quickly to find a suitable alternative such as a school teacher, a family GP, counsellor or child psychologist.

Make the conversation age-appropriate

It's important to make the conversation about mental health age appropriate. The way you talk to a seven-year-old about mental health will be different to the way you approach the conversation with a teenager.

Try and explain symptoms in an age appropriate way. For example, explain to a young child that everyone feels sad sometimes. Make your child feel comfortable and pave the way for them to open up to you about their problems. Additionally, get down to your child's level when speaking to them. Crouching down and engaging with your child signals to them that you are actively listening.

How to keep track of children's mental health

When there are problems at home or at school, such as parents fighting, a family death or bullying at school, children can become withdrawn and upset.

Dr Maite suggests, ‘Every child is different and we need to observe changes that might be very subtle but indicating that our child is struggling. Indicators such as poor sleep, anger or irritability, lack of appetite, frequent worries or physical symptoms (e.g., headaches, tummy aches) might be indicating an emotional problem or that the child is struggling.

‘Also, a sudden or gradual change in behaviour, such as defiance or isolation, might be suggesting an underlying mental health issue in your child.'

How can you nurture children's mental health?

You can promote good mental health at home by creating a happy, safe and organised family life. Ensure your child has a healthy lifestyle, with nutritious meals, enough sleep and exercise. Limit your child's screen time and be aware of who they may be interacting with on social media.

Identify any triggers of stress, anxiety and mood changes in our child. Once the triggers are identified, we should find the way of reducing or dealing with them effectively.

We should also teach our child to be able to recognise early signs of mental health issues, and to request help from others to deal with these symptoms. For instance, we can show our child relaxation techniques or meditation that can be really effective to prevent or deal with early stages of anxiety

What to do if you are worried about your children’s mental health

If you’re worried your children's mental health, it’s important to talk to them about their struggles. When you do speak to them, listen to them without judgement and make sure they know that you’re on their side and will help them get through this. Remind them that you love them and that you’re proud of them.

Dr Maite advises, ‘It is important that you liaise with child’s school and you keep the communication flowing. School may be extremely helpful to detect these very subtle changes of mood and behaviour.

‘If you and/or school have concerns about your child's mental health you should contact your GP, who will provide initial assessment and guidance about how to proceed. In addition, some schools have counsellors and can offer and good package of support for children's mental health. There might be times when school/GP recommend a referral to a child mental health specialist, this should always be considered and facilitated and never dismissed. The idea is that prevention is far more helpful than a delayed intervention.’

It is extremely hard for parents to see their children go through difficult times, and it can have a huge impact on your family. If you’re struggling to cope, speak to your GP about what support they can offer you as a parent.

If you need more support, speak to your family GP or call our YoungMinds parents helpline on 0808 802 5544 for specific advice and support.

Helping your child to grieve can be a tricky thing for parents to tackle. Here are our best tips...

As parents, we want to protect our children from pain and sadness, but that's not always possible, and it isn't healthy either.

Experts now agree that it's far better for children to be included and involved in the grieving process than to be protected from it. So what's the best way to do that? Here's a plan to help...

Be honest and use simple language

Explain gently what has happened, but pick your words very carefully. Try to use the word 'dead' or 'died' rather than euphemisms, which may seem kinder, but are actually confusing. Slipped away/gone to sleep/gone to heaven/passed away, etc., don't give a clear enough explanation. If Granny has slipped away, when is she coming back? If she's gone to sleep, surely she will wake up?

The same applies to describing an illness. If you say 'Daddy had a heart attack', they may wonder who attacked his heart. 'Granny had a stroke' could also frighten them. If you stroke them at bedtime, will they die too?

WARNING: Well-meaning adults sometimes tell children their loved one is 'looking down on them and watching them.' Whilst their intention is to comfort the child, it often has the opposite effect.

Children don't want someone to see if they're being naughty or rude! Be careful if you talk about a dead person's spirit too. Children get spirits and ghosts mixed up. Who wants a ghost stalking them day and night?

Don't worry if...

1. You cry in front of your child

It's perfectly OK to cry, and show children that you're upset, but make sure they understand why, or they may think it's their fault and get scared. 'I'm crying because I'm sad about Daddy', is all that's needed.

2. They don't seem very bothered

Some children, especially young ones, appear to take the news of a death 'very well.' By this, we mean they don't cry, or seem visibly upset. But don't let this initial reaction fool you into thinking they aren't bothered, because it's fairly likely they are, but don't know how to express it.

Look out for changes in behaviour - tantrums, bed-wetting, sleeping and/or eating problems and clinginess are all signs they're upset, but don't know how to say it.

Young children may complain of a tummy ache because physical pain is easier to describe than emotional pain. Others may behave unusually well. Older children may start doing badly at school because they can't concentrate.

REMEMBER: Children don't do long periods of sadness. Instead, they plunge suddenly and dramatically into 'puddles' of grief, during which they may cry and seem inconsolable. A few minutes later they jump out of the 'puddle' and ask if they can have a biscuit.

3. They ask awkward questions

'Will Daddy be back by Christmas?' 'Will Granny come to my birthday party?' 'Can I go and visit her in heaven?' Heartbreaking though it is, these are very common questions for children under 6 to ask, because they find it very difficult to understand that death is forever.

Gently remind your child what has happened. 'Daddy won't be coming back, sweetheart, because he has died. But he's in heaven/in your heart forever. Now do you want to talk about anything with me?'

Coping with a funeral

A family funeral is a very important event, and the days when children didn't attend for fear of them getting upset, are long gone.

However, don't be too casual about it. Make sure you've explained exactly what will happen beforehand, so they don't get any nasty shocks or surprises when they see the coffin or visit the cemetery.

Make sure they understand that it's a very special occasion, which may be sad and happy at the same time: 'It's sad because we miss the person who died, but happy because they aren't suffering anymore/are in heaven.'

Don't worry if the entire day passes without them shedding a tear, or if they misbehave, laugh, or tell you they're bored. These are all perfectly normal reactions.

Afterwards

Don't stop talking about a loved one because you don't want to upset your children, or you're frightened of breaking down in front of them. It will upset them more if they think you have forgotten.

Instead, talk about them in normal conversation, share funny stories, look at photos. Help them make a memory box containing precious things like postcards, photographs, letters, football tickets, etc.

Encourage them to write a story about what happened, or draw a picture. If they want to make birthday cards and Christmas cards for the person who died, let them.

Many parents struggle with being away from their children, particularly when they are young, but it's important you don't let separation anxiety stop them from developing.

It can be draining on mothers when a child wants to be with them every second of the day, and some parents may not be able to tell when the separation anxiety has become a real problem.

Of course, it is natural for children, especially babies, to get upset when they part from their mother or father, or main caregiver, but it’s vital that their anxiety doesn’t hold them back.

What is a separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety disorder (SAD) is when an individual experiences excessive anxiety when separated from their home or from people to whom they have a strong emotional attachment.

Separation anxiety can make it difficult for parents to leave their baby at nursery or in someone else's care. They may end up feeling distressed by their tears and worry about the effect it has on their child every time they leave them.

Dr. Sheri Jacobson, Clinical Director of Harley Therapy, explains: 'Separation anxiety is actually a normal stage of development, even if it can seem anything but when your child is clinging to you and screaming louder than you knew they were capable of!'

Separation anxiety in babies and toddlers: What are the affects?

Separation anxiety can often be unavoidable as babies and toddlers have a tendency to get clingy and cry if their parents or their other carers leave them, even for a short time.

Separation anxiety and a fear of strangers is common in young children between the ages of six months and three years, but it is a normal part of any child's development and they usually grow out of it.

If your baby used to be calm when you left the room and they were happy to be held by people they didn't know, it may seem strange when they suddenly start crying whenever you're not there, or strangers are close. But separation anxiety is a sign your baby now realises how dependent they are on the people they know, who care for them.

Very often this opposition stems from your child’s anxiety that something bad will happen to them or to the primary caregiver during the time that they are separated.

This can result in physical symptoms such as upset stomachs, headaches and disturbances to sleep patterns. But as they get more aware of their surroundings, your baby's strong relationship with this small group means they don't feel so safe without you. Their growing awareness of the world around them can also make them feel unsafe or upset in new situations or with new people, even if you are there.

How to handle separation anxiety in children?

Remember, it's only natural for your baby to feel anxious without you, so there's no reason to feel guilty when you need to get on with other parts of your life. In fact, separation anxiety is usually a sign of how well you have bonded with them.

Instead, focus on helping your baby understand and deal with their feelings so they feel more secure. They'll learn that if you leave them, they will be OK and you will come back. If your child's old enough, you can talk to them about what's happening, where you're going and when you'll be with them again.

‘The thing that works best for separation anxiety is consistency, calm, and clear boundaries. And kindness - your child will respond best to gentle understanding in a soothing voice,’ Dr Jacobson adds.

‘As for consistency and clear boundaries, these offer a child security were they can know via a consistent schedule how things work and what will happen next as well as what limits there are. Yes, sometimes mummy is in less of a rush if she doesn't have a big meeting, and can linger for ten minutes more, but she really is still going to work no matter what he or she does.’

Tips for helping your child with separation anxiety

Start with short separations

To begin with you should practice short separations by leaving you child with someone you trust in a familiar surrounding for short periods of time, such as 10 minutes, whilst you perhaps pop to a local shop for example. Gradually you can build this up to longer separations.

Leave something comforting with your baby

If possible leave a familiar item with your child while you are gone. This could be their favourite toy, or an item of clothing with you scent on it for example and may reassure and calm them during the separation.

‘Try to make new experiences familiar, such as having an item with them from home, or a lunch that you would normally make,' Dr Jacobson says.

Make saying goodbye to your child a positive thing

As hard as it may be to hold back your own tears or upset, it's important to keep smiling and wave happily to your child as you say goodbye to them, as they can certainly pick up on your vibes. The experience of saying goodbye and then having happy reunions, is a very important life lesson for all little people to learn.

How does separation anxiety affect parents?

It's normal for parents to feel a level of anxiety when leaving their child. They are the centre of your world and you don't want them to come to any harm. However, being too protective can be detrimental for everyone in the family, and can have a serious affect on your relationships, friendships and your child's learning and development.

According to Elaine Halligan , Director of The Parent Practice, an organisation enabling parents to bring out the best in their children, feeling anxious as a parent isn't always a bad thing.

She explains: 'Anxiety can be beneficial as our nerves keep us alert and ready to respond to danger, but when it consumes your every minute of the day until your child returns home from school, it’s a sign that this is not a healthy anxiety.'

If you're a parent with separation anxiety, it's likely you won't be properly looking after yourself as you'll prioritise everything for your child.

Elaine says: 'A parent with separation anxiety often will be unable to take good care of their own needs, frequently putting their children’s interests first and it easily and quickly becomes habitual. It’s much harder to stay calm , be a good role model and be in charge if we are in a state of worry.'

She stresses that behaving this way around your children could result in them becoming more anxious. Put simply, Elaine explains: 'Children see, children do. So children may learn early on from role models, that the world is a hostile or dangerous place and that in turn can create all sorts of childhood mental health issues.'

What are the signs you are suffering from separation anxiety as a parent?

According to Elaine, the most obvious signs are when parents obsessively micro-manage their children's lives. This could be over-planning to ensure everything is scheduled or never allowing your child the potential to come to danger.

Elaine explains that this 'inadvertently creates a learned helplessness in our children.'

She continued: 'We do our children no favours when we find don’t let go and it’s a parent’s job to assist our children with the process of growing up and not impede it.'

Tips for parents with separation anxiety:

Elaine has the following tips for parents to try if they think they are suffering from separation anxiety.

Prioritise yourself 

'Take good care of yourself first! Ensure a healthy balanced diet, good sleep hygiene, regular fresh air and fun and take care of your emotional wellbeing.'

Practice mindfulness 

'Make a daily habit of practising some mindfulness, or other NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) techniques. Try some positive self talk to try and calm down the worry brain.'

Make regular emotional deposits

'Think of yourself as a cheque-ing account –if you don’t make regular emotional deposits, you can’t make withdrawals when it really matters.'

Other tips that can help:

Introduce babysitters slowly and gradually and use family and friends first

If you can't imagine leaving your baby with a stranger just yet, build up to it by asking friends and family to watch them for an hour or two, an afternoon and eventually maybe even a night.

Accept that you'll miss your child

If you have to be away from your child, chances are you're going to miss them! Try and use the adult-only time you've got and make the most of it and then you'll really appreciate the time with your baby.

Whether it's that spider in the bath that your other half has to remove countless times, or that feeling of anxiety you get boarding a flight, overcoming fear is easier said than done.

In extreme cases, fear can stop us doing things or going places. The UK's top fears as revealed by a 2014 YouGov survey of over 2,000 people comprised of all of the usual suspects - flying, spiders and heights all feature pretty high. But how do we know when a fear is rational, or when it's irrational? And how can we avoid passing on our fears to our children, and raise them without the same limiting phobias that have got in our way of achieving or experiencing things fully?

'It's important to realise fear is an important evolutionary tool. It's our mind's way of trying to keep us safe,' says behavioural expert Christopher Paul Jones, who has a specialist clinic in London's Harley Street.

'Our mind is designed to notice patterns, so once we have created a fear, it generalises our experiences, so in future, whenever we experience a similar event the fear will be triggered.'

We can learn fears from our parents by watching how they react to certain stimulus, but they can also develop from negative experiences from our past or be systematic – reinforced over a number of years. Sometimes it may seem like our fears 'come out of nowhere', but they are always learned behaviours.

So it's important to remember to keep our fearful reactions under control when we're around our children - and Christopher thinks the best way we can do this is to tackle them head on.

'I often have clients asking me to work with their children on their phobia and when I talk with the parent it can become apparent that they have the phobia too. Sometimes I will get answers from the parents saying things like, "well I don't tell my child about my phobia",' he explains.

'Unfortunately, children, especially at a young age, pick up a lot of our nonverbal behaviour. It's called the modelling or imprinting age. In the same way parents are taught that children will do what you do and not what you say, that is also true for your fears and phobias.'

Rational and irrational fears

Just because we think a phobia is silly – we know the spider is more scared of us – doesn't mean it's invalid, and it can be just as harmful to our kids and ourselves as what we might think of as a 'rational' fear.

'The difference between irrational and rational fears are really to do with how much danger you're actually in – so, what's the statistical likelihood of your fear coming true? When it comes to something like flying you could call this an irrational phobia,' explains Christopher.

'Even though some people might argue that, because crashes do happen it's rational, the truth is it's so rare that you would need to be much more afraid of being hit by a meteor or being injured falling out of bed or dying in the bath, as all these are [statistically] much more likely.'

But identifying when a fear is reasonable isn't always easy when we're in the midst of it, and Christopher stresses that we should tackle whatever we're afraid of with the same degree of dedication.

'It is never of benefit when we try to ignore or suppress our emotions,' he says. 'Our fear will find other way to come out, i.e. bouts of anxiety, bad dreams, extreme overreactions etc. Sometimes when my clients have had a lot of fear in their past they try to avoid their feelings and then they wonder why their anxiety is getting worse.'

Fear and phobias

Like rational or irrational fears, we tend to give more gravity to what we think of as phobias because we harbour the mistaken belief that they are more 'serious' than fears.

'A phobia is automatic, for instance, we see or experience the thing we are phobic of and our mind and body will have an instant response,' says Christopher. 'Fears are normally less powerful and are often a feeling of apprehension or unease. If you are phobic of flying for example and it is severe, you could see an aeroplane in the sky and be instantly struck by anxiety, while somebody with just a fear might just be a bit nervous and need a stiff drink to get on the plane.'

Although admittedly different experiences, it's important to be mindful of transmitting fears or phobias onto our kids, who are particularly susceptible to our behaviours.

'Fears and phobias can be created at any age if the fear stimulus is strong enough. 'If you had a really bumpy flight as an adult it can be enough to create a fear or phobia,' says Christopher. 'However, a lot of fears do start in childhood for the simple reason we haven't developed the same ability of taking events in perspective to rationalise them.'

So how can I stop passing my fears onto my child?

So, how can we convincingly tackle our child's phobia if it's the same as our own? How can we encourage them to think logically about something they're afraid of, if we can't even do it ourselves? Overcoming fear is tough, but luckily, says Christopher, 'the techniques that work on adults will normally work the same way for children too.

If you notice your child becoming scared or fearful, it's a good idea to ask them some questions – what is it they're scared of? What do they think might happen? And then get them to challenge their own thought process by asking to think how likely it is that it really will.'

'Another method is to let them have fun with the images they are making in their mind when they are afraid. Ask them to play with those images, make it a cartoon or get them to imagine everyone in the image with Mickey Mouse ears, or imagine the fearful event at high speed and everyone in it has a chipmunk voice. This should quickly reduce the fear that they are feeling.'

'Once you have done this with your child, you might find it easier to apply these methods to your own fear.'

Ultimately, it's important not to suffer in silence and always seek the help of a professional if you fear yours or your child's fear is getting out of control.

'Of course my best advice to help your child not develop fears and phobias is to consult a professional with knowledge in these areas,' he adds. 'They will be able to help you tailor an approach that's right for your child.'

When the world feels like a confusing and often scary place to adults, it's hard to even contemplate how overwhelming it can be for a child.

With tragedies like the terrifying explosion at Ariana Grande's Manchester concert and the recent Westminster Bridge attack dominating the headlines on what appears to be a daily basis, it's unsurprising that many children feel nervous about growing up, and going about their lives.

'Many children feel upset for a few weeks after a frightening event,' explains clinical child psychologist at the Anna Freud National Centre for Children and Families David Trickey, who wrote a blog on the subject for the Huffington Post.

They may show this in a number of ways - David cites nightmares, getting angry and upset easily, lack of concentration, problem at school and loss of sleep as just some potential reactions, but adds that: 'over time, most become happier and more confident again.'

'However, some children will continue to have problems several weeks after the event. If you are worried because a child or young person is very distressed, or continues to be distressed after a month or so, you could seek help from your GP. They can check your child's health and talk to you about who else could help.'

David advises against glossing over the stories completely, adding: 'Children and young people need a truthful, age-appropriate explanation that makes sense of the main facts. Even younger children can benefit from being given a description and explanation of what happened.'

'Talking is often helpful, but needs to be done carefully and sensitively at the right time for the child or young person. Try and provide opportunities, support and encouragement to help them talk about it when they are ready to, rather than forcing them. Some children and young people may want to use toys or draw pictures to help them understand what has happened.'

A spokesperson for the NSPCC agreed that talking to children about world events is key to helping them cope with them: 'We know children and young people can become anxious and distressed by disturbing events in the wider world and can often find it hard to make sense of politics, natural disasters and events like terrorist attacks.' 'We need to ensure our children are reassured rather than left overwhelmed and frightened, and the best way to help those that are struggling is for them to always have a trusted adult to talk to, be it a parent, teacher or someone from Childline.'

The charity has also published advice to help support children with worries about the world:

• Listen carefully to a child's fears and worries
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• Offer reassurance and comfort and avoid complicated and worrying explanations that could leave them more frightened and confused
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• Help them find advice and support to understand distressing events and feelings
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• Children can always contact Childline free and confidentially 24/7

The word 'cancer' is hard to hear whatever your age, but sometimes talking about it with the people you love can be even harder. That's why this week is Cancer Talk Week (21st-27th January), to encourage everyone to get chatting about cancer and ask questions without feeling worried.

Talking about cancer with your children may seem scary, but that's where Macmillan Cancer Support come in. They can help you find the right words to make that conversation a little bit easier.

Macmillan Cancer Support's Cancer Information Nurse, Bill Carlin, has been a cancer nurse for nearly 30 years, so he knows just how to talk to children about cancer. Here are Bill's top tips:

How to talk to your children about cancer if they have questions... 

• Try to be as honest as possible with them. You may not want to scare them, but they may well only feel hurt if they find out that you haven't told them the truth. Children can be remarkably aware of changes going on around them.
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• Answer the questions that you can but don't worry if you don't know the answers to all of them. Tell them that you can find out together, it will help them better understand and feel more involved.
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• You may get asked about what causes cancer, or what can prevent it. Explain to them that there are many things that reduce the risk of cancer, such as daily exercise and a healthy lifestyle, and there are some things that increase the risk, such as smoking. But tell them that in many cases it's just not possible to say why some people develop cancer and others don't.
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• Explain that you cannot catch cancer from anyone else. They should also know that people don't always die if they get cancer. In fact, more and more people are surviving cancer.
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• Let them know that cancer mostly affects people over the age of 65. Cancer in children is very rare, and most children who are diagnosed with cancer survive.

How to talk to your children about cancer if you've had cancer...

• Begin with a simple explanation. Take your time, and make sure you go through what you want to tell them step by step.
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• Your first reaction might be to protect their feelings by keeping the truth from them, but keeping secrets could lead to resentment and hurt on their part.
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• Cancer can be scary and hard to understand for children. The best thing to do if they get upset is to ask them to talk through how they are feeling, and tell them that you understand.
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• They may be scared. Ask them what worries them, and try to talk through it with them.
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• Young children should understand that nothing they have done has caused the cancer.
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• They may prefer to talk to someone else about it. Don't be offended if they do. Tell them that they can talk to another family member, teacher, doctor or Macmillan Cancer Support specialist if they would like to.
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• If your children start to 'act up' (e.g. their behaviour changes), try to understand that this may be a reaction to the news and a way of letting you know that they're upset. Try to talk them through it.

Cancer sufferer, Wendy, 46, was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004 when her children were 7, 5 and 10 months old. She was given the all-clear in 2009, but unfortunately the cancer returned in 2009. Her children were then 15, 13 and 8. Sadly, she was told the cancer was incurable. Wendy has experience of talking to both younger and older children about cancer. Here are Wendy's top tips:

How to talk to younger children about cancer...

• Keep it simple. When I was first diagnosed, my children were very young. I explained to the 7 and 5-year-old in a simple way, saying that I was unwell. I did use the word 'cancer' to start with, but they didn't understand so 'unwell' was better.
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• Include them. I took the kids to the hospital with me so they knew where I was when I was having treatment and wouldn't worry. It made it easier for my husband to explain to them why I wasn't always at home.
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• Don't give too much info. There's a balance between keeping things from the kids and telling them too much. I prepared them for the significant things that they would notice, for example we talked about how I was likely to lose my hair and then involved them in choosing colourful bandanas. I also told them I would get better because at the stage I truly believed I would.
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• Think about when you have your treatment. I chose to have my chemotherapy on a Monday while they were at school. That meant that by the weekend I was feeling a bit brighter and could play with them.
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• Keep the routine. Clubs, swimming and play dates with friends have to carry on. If kids know things are still normal, then they'll keep the hope that everything else will be OK too.
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• Don't have difficult conversations in front of them. Keep the kids included, but don't worry them by talking with relatives or friends about what's happening or your condition while they can hear. They don't need to know everything, unless it's terminal. Macmillan Cancer Support can help you have that conversation.

How to talk to older children about cancer...

• Be aware that other children may say things to you or your child about your illness, especially if it comes up in the news. This happened with my kids' friends on several occasions.
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• Prepare yourself for out of the blue questions, usually around the dinner table or in the car. Try to think about how you might respond or what they might ask.
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• Tell them a bit more about your illness, especially if - like me - you have a secondary diagnosis. The kids might feel isolated otherwise. There's no need to tell them everything but, again, find the right balance between keeping things from them or saying too much so they trust you. Also, remember that they use the Internet a lot to find out about things.
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• Keep them up to date with what's happening so they don't worry.
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• Be prepared to say things more than once. Children often don't take everything in in one go, so you might have to repeat yourself a few times. I definitely have.

Cancer can be the toughest fight many people face, but you don't have to face it alone. The Macmillan Cancer Support team can help you find the words you need. Call their support line free on 0808 808 00 00 or visit www.macmillan.org.uk/cancertalkweek

Where to next?

- How to treat fever or pain in kids - Test your breast cancer knowledge - 10 symptoms you should never ignore