New data has revealed that while 63% of single parents think they’ll 'never find love again' after a breakup, most do - and in a relatively short amount of time too.

Being a single parent can be extremely difficult. As well as handling the practicalities of co-parenting, you also often have to deal with being single-shamed as a parent - and that's not even mentioning the struggles of parental loneliness.

But one of the biggest worries for single parents is handling the fear that they'll never find love again. According to heartbreaking new data, 63% of single parents believe that they will 'never find love again' after splitting from their children's mum or dad.

The reasons for this lack of belief are completely understandable. Just under two thirds said they had 'lost confidence' in themselves, which stopped them from putting themselves out there, while 53% feared another heartbreak.

In addition, 40% were concerned that their child might not accept the idea of a new person in their life, while others said they simply don't have the energy or time to meet and date new people.

However, the data is also full of hope. Of the 600 single parents surveyed, 64% said they had found a new partner, with the majority doing so around 13 months after their breakup.

So how did they do it? Nearly a third said they leaned on family and friends for support, both childcare-wise to free up time for dates and for emotional support too. Another 26% said it took realising their own worth to get back on the dating scene. And 14% even said their children had helped them find new dates, with them being super supportive in their quest to find love again.

The study was conducted by Even, a dating app made specially for single parents, with the app collaborating with ITV's dating show My Mum, Your Dad to speak with single parents.

A former participant on the popular show, Janey Smith, shared her experience of finding love after heartbreak, saying, "After a couple of break ups and heartbreak, I thought that was it for me. I'd pretty much given up hope that I would never find love or trust again - my confidence was at an all-time low, and I convinced myself that I didn't have the time to date.

"But after my son gave me a much-needed pep-talk, I was able to find the courage to get back into the dating world and created an online dating profile which gave me the confidence to apply for the show. That's when I met Roger, and, as they say, the rest is history."

In other relationship news, we explore the ‘gray divorcing’ phenomenon and explain why couples are doing it. And, a marriage therapist reveals the 5 ‘beige flags’ you should never ignore in a relationship. Plus, it takes more than 'things in common' for your marriage to survive, say scientists who identify the one sign to predict marital bliss.

A psychologist has highlighted the surprising ‘single most important quality’ you and a prospective partner both need in order for you to have a successful relationship.

Research and expert insight has taught us plenty when it comes to finding the perfect partner. We know now that it takes more than having 'things in common' for your marriage to survive and that strong marriages are made, not found.

It all goes to show that, when picking a partner, there are certain things we need to look out for - and a psychologist has now highlighted the one 'most important' quality we should be seeking out.

Citing a new study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, psychologist Mark Travers says that 'self-transcendence' is the stand-out trait that makes someone the perfect, most compatible partner. But what does that mean?

Writing in Forbes, Travers explains, "The endorsement of self-transcendence values—that is, values that motivate us to act for the benefit of others and see beyond our own needs—[is] strongly and consistently associated with enhanced romantic relationship quality."

Self-transcendence, he says, can be spotted easily in another by looking at their thoughts on two major life values.

1. Universalism. He explains, "This includes values like concern for others, respect for nature and tolerance for differences. People who prioritise universalism care deeply about the well-being of society as a whole and the environment. In a romantic relationship, this might manifest as a shared concern for social issues, a commitment to sustainability or a deep respect for each other’s perspectives and backgrounds."

2. Benevolence. "This reflects values such as dependability, caring and humility—which focus on benefiting those in our immediate environment, such as family, friends and romantic partners. In a romantic relationship, benevolence might look like putting your partner’s needs before your own, offering emotional support during tough times and making sacrifices for the sake of the relationship," Travers says.

However, it's not just your prospective partner who needs to embody the trait - you do too! "When these values are not shared, it can lead to significant disjunctions," Travers warns. "One partner may feel unsupported or misunderstood if the other lacks the empathy or willingness to see things from their perspective. Over time, these small mismatches can amass into a larger, fundamental sense of disconnection."

But when you do both actively share the self-transcendence trait, with it motivating both of you to see beyond your own needs, it brings more 'support, inclusion and deep empathy' into your relationship - who doesn't want that?

In other relationship news, a psychologist shares 6 signs you've found your soulmate (but our experts say there’s a problem for parents). And, 'sex fasting’ can ‘supercharge’ your relationship as experts reveal 3 benefits of less intimacy. Plus, what is ‘gray divorcing’ and why are couples doing it?

A marriage and family therapist has highlighted the 5 ‘beige flags’ people should never ignore in a relationship - and their danger lies in their subtlety that makes them less obvious to spot than traditional red flags.

It's normal - more than normal - for healthy relationships to hit bumps in the road. Whether you feel disconnected from your partner after having a baby or your relationship is simply stuck in a rut, we've all felt that things could be a little better when it comes to our love lives.

But one marriage and family therapist has now warned that subtle signals or behaviours that are often easy to brush under the rug may hint at potential challenges to come or even suggest eventual abuse from a partner.

Dr Cheralyn Leeby calls these signals 'beige flags.' Writing in Psychology Today, she explains that these are more subtle than the obvious red flags we know to look out for when dating. So what are these small behaviours that can foreshadow more serious issues that can arise in relationships?

1. Explosiveness and Aggression. Even when aggression is not directed at a partner, someone who handles stress by using aggression will often, eventually, turn their explosiveness on a partner.

According to Dr Leeby, "Explosive and aggressive coping styles can be significant predictors of future physical abuse in relationships. [One] study found that aggressive behaviour toward objects is strongly correlated with physical abuse in intimate relationships. More recent research highlights that maladaptive coping mechanisms, including aggressive actions, often escalate into more severe forms of violence and possible abuse."

2. Jealousy and Possessiveness. "Although these behaviours may not be overtly controlling at first, they can be early indicators of deeper trust and control issues," the expert says. She explains that this 'jealousy-related' control, also known as coercive control, can lead to constant monitoring and unfounded accusations, create an environment of fear and dependence, and potentially lead to more severe forms of abuse.

3. Lack of Long-Term Friendships and Social Isolation. According to Dr Leeby, "Individuals who struggle to sustain friendships often have underlying issues that affect their ability to engage in healthy, long-term relationships.

"The absence of long-term friendships can also be a sign of a partner's attempts to isolate their significant other from social support networks."

4. Patterns of Gaslighting. Gaslighting is where someone, usually a romantic partner, manipulates someone else into doubting their own perceptions, memories, or reality. While you may be able to spot the signs of gaslighting early on, as you continue to question your own reality thanks to another's manupulation, it can be harder and harder to point out.

Dr Leeby explains, "Gaslighting is a powerful form of emotional abuse that can have long-term psychological consequences. Gaslighting can leave deep emotional scars, making it one of the most insidious forms of psychological abuse because it erodes the victim's ability to trust their own mind."

5. Warnings from Friends and Family. "Outside perspectives are crucial, as research shows that people close to the couple may notice red flags that the individuals in the relationship might overlook, especially during the early stages when idealisation and infatuation are more prevalent," the expert says. "These external observations can provide a more objective assessment of the relationship, potentially alerting individuals to dangers they might not see themselves due to emotional involvement or denial. It’s important to take these warnings seriously to prevent possible harm."

If you're worried that you or someone you know is in an unhealthy or potentially dangerous relationship, there is help and expert insight on hand to offer support. From research showing that adults who are not taught to manage their emotions are more likely to experience 'verbal abuse' to expert insight on the 10 signs you are ini a codependent relationship, why that's not a great thing and what to do about it. Plus, boundaries in relationships; having them is more important than our parents ever realised, here’s how we can set them and keep them.

There's been a rise in the practice of 'gray divorcing,' and we take a look at exactly what this is, and why couples are making the decision to do it.

There's many reasons people stay in unhappy marriages. Staying together for the kids can be true even for those whose children are at university, and sometimes the idea of taking the plunge and getting divorced can only happen once the nest is completely empty. 

Talking to kids and grandkids about divorce can also be awkward, and along with the fear of being alone and the hassle of splitting up, means going through with separation is often put on the backburner. However, it seems some are having an epiphany and getting divorced in these later stages of life, in a phenomenon being deemed 'gray divorcing.'

What is gray divorcing?

According to Psychology Today, a 'gray divorce' is the rise in the phenomenon of older adults calling time on their marriage. Although this usually refers to those over the age of 50, research shows there's a current spike in divorce for those aged over 65. sometimes these are the couples who've stayed together for many years when they shouldn't have, thinking they'll weather the storm until the end - until they realise to be truly happy they need to take the plunge and separate.  

On other occasions, these are couples who have been happily married, but have a sudden epiphany later in life that they've grown apart or want different things. Ending their relationship can be a surprise to those around them, who might deem them to be a solid couple.  

Essentially, people are finding this phenomenon shocking, but people can learn what does or doesn't make them happy at any stage in their lives. It shouldn't be shameful that they act on this later in life - it should be celebrated because it's very brave to start again when you're heading towards, or starting retirement. Everyone should feel free to pursue the happiness they deserve.

Why are couples gray divorcing?

The same research outlining what gray divorce is, also suggests the two key reasons for late life divorce include: Staying together while growing apart, and simply realising there's no other way forward than to end the marriage.

That's a very simplified version of the reasons - to expand on this, most people describing divorcing due to growing apart suggest they'd experienced infidelity, abuse and/or incompatibility at some point during their marriage. This process provided motivations for divorce, but the couples stayed together because they had young families, or reasons relating to societal norms and comfort. 

Realising the marriage has to end often stems from moments of clarity and decisiveness about getting divorced. Older couples suggest this happens when they realise they're finally in a financially better position to be alone and sociocultural norms meaning divorce is no longer frowned on in the way they would've been brought up to think it is. 

These couples gain the emotional maturity to understand they're no longer in love and want to enjoy the remainder of their lives either alone of finding happiness with somebody else while they still can.

Ginny got divorced at 70. She says "I married in my early 20s, had three children and when the children were small we were so happy. Then, my husband began being unfaithful. He wasn't quite as happy being in a marriage and having a family as I was and he looked elsewhere for some sort of fulfilment. I overlooked it because I didn't want to upset the children and knew we wouldn't have the lifestyle we enjoyed without him.

We plodded along once the children went to university, and even when they started having families of their own. But while this happened, the resentment that had built in me for so many years peaked, and I felt nothing but rage and almost disdain for my husband. I just struggled to even be pleasant to him, but still stayed because divorce seemed so huge and also a big hassle. Until I just snapped one day. I was so unhappy and on my 70th birthday knew I wanted more from my final years. The divorce process was quicker and easier than I was expecting, and I've never been happier."

For more on relationships, if you keep arguing with your partner, a therapist reveals one phrase that could save your partnership. Other ways people try to save their marriage include explaining the mental load to their partner, and the interesting concept of 'sex fasting.'

The 'sex fast' trend is popularising the benefits of having less sex with your partner - and intimacy experts have shared why saying 'no' to sex can paradoxically supercharge your relationship.

Family life is chaotic, hectic, and time-consuming sometimes - a fact that can often leave your relationship struggling, with other more pressing demands taking time away from intimate moments and loved-up date nights, leaving you to wonder how to spice up your sex life. Then there's also the daunting thought of sex that mums experience after giving birth, with one author revealing that after giving birth, she didn’t want sex for three years and it left her relationship at breaking point.

But while research has shown previously that reframing one simple habit could get your sex life back on track after having a baby, experts are also making sure busy parents know that sex is not the be-all and end-all relationship fixer. In fact, they say, actively choosing not to have sex could actually 'supercharge' your relationship and leave you feeling closer to your partner than ever before.

What is a 'sex fast'? We check with an expert

It's when a couple agrees mutually to abstain from sex for a certain period of time. The paradoxical 'sex fast' trend is simply 'mindful abstinence'.

"It sounds crazy, we know," the sex expert, or sexpert, Peachy told GoodtoKnow. "But sometimes, saying 'no' to sex can actually lead to having more – and better – sex. This counterintuitive approach might just be the key to unlocking a more satisfying sex life."

So how does not having sex improve a relationship? According to Peachy, there are three major benefits;

1. Absence makes the heart (and other parts) grow fonder. " Taking a break can help rebuild anticipation and desire," they explain. "It's like denying yourself chocolate for a week – that first bite afterwards tastes even sweeter."
2. It's not just about saying 'no'. One of the key aspects of a sex fast is that you're agreeing to do one, together, with your partner. And, in place of sex, you need to implement other forms of intimacy as a substitute. One of Peachy's go-to alternatives is to 'dance like no one's watching.' They explain, "It's fun, it's freeing, and it reminds you that your body is for more than just sex - it's for joy and expression too. Put on some music and dance together. It's about feeling good in your body and with your partner."Plus, it's a great way to practise non-sexual touch and build physical chemistry." Other alternatives they recommend include sensual massages, deep conversations, or even just holding hands while watching Netflix.
3. Performance pressure? What performance pressure? "Knowing sex is off the table can actually be a relief. It removes the pressure to 'perform' and allows you to enjoy being close to your partner."

It also, they add, makes sure that partners are only saying yes to sex they want to have, rather than to sex they think they should be having. "By taking a break, you're more likely to only say 'yes' when you really, really want to," they explain. "And let's face it, enthusiastic sex is always better than obligatory sex."

In other relationship news, the 'strongest' marriages are made they don't just happen, according to new study. Plus, do you keep arguing with your partner? Psychiatrist reveals the one phrase that could save your relationship. And, it takes more than 'things in common' for your marriage to survive, say scientists who identify the one sign to predict marital bliss.

A psychiatrist has revealed the simple phrase that could save your relationship - though it might be difficult to say out loud. 

If recent research has shown us anything, it's that the long-held desire for a 'soulmate' is a pipe dream. It might be sad to admit, but science has revealed it takes more than having 'things in common' for your marriage to survive and that the strongest partnerships are those that are made, not those that 'just happen.' 

Sometimes, that work you put in not only focuses on the partnership, but your own place it in. And that means, according to Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Frank Anderson, sometimes having to admit that you're in the wrong in some arguments. 

Speaking on YourTango's Open Relationship: Transforming Together podcast, the expert revealed that it's all too easy to blame other people for the negative emotions we're feeling when, really, it's us who are responsible for our own emotions and the reactions to those emotions. 

So, when you feel your anger rising at your partner, Dr Anderson says to repeat the phrase, "When it's intense, it's yours." 

He wants you to ask yourself, "Why am I reacting this way?" and dissect your reaction to something your partner may have said or done, rather than to immediately take it out on them.  

He explains, "Why were you so angry? And so why was it important to be angry? And what was helpful about being angry? And, you know, why did you yell at [them]? And what [were they] doing that was so horrible?"

Analysing your reaction in this way can take you out of the heated moment, letting your brain cool down before either realising that your reaction was out of proportion, or that there's a better way to speak about your feelings than with anger. 

It will all help you to understand your triggers so you can work through them and stop letting them impact your relationship.  

When you do feel anger boiling over, Dr Anderson says to do some 'self-reflection' to best dissect what's causing the emotion. He recommends to try mindfulness techniques such as meditation, writing, or journaling, to really sit with the feelings you're experiencing and think about what's at the root of them. 

It's easier said than done to avoid toxic behaviour when times are tough in a relationship, but with expert insight we can notice the signs and hopefully get things back on track. From the 4 toxic traits that will ‘ruin’ your relationship, and how to avoid them, to the 3 reasons you should never say this well-meaning phrase to your partner, we've got you covered. Plus, if you're struggling with communication, this is how to explain the mental load to your partner.

A new study has revealed that strong relationships are made through hard work, highlighting the four behaviours that couples can introduce to better 'flourish' in love. 

We all want to see the signs that we've found our soulmate - but in truth, we know deep down that love isn't that simple. In fact, 'soulmate thinking' is destroying many relationships, with people opting out of the hard work it takes to build a healthy partnership in favour of simply believing things will work out because they're 'destined' to.  

And if this new study is anything to go by, that way of thinking will only lead to heartbreak. That's because new research by the Institute for Family Studies has found that strong marriages are made, not found. 

What they mean by that is that strong partnerships must be crafted through years of hard work, where each partner shows the other they are loved, trusted, and appreciated. Simply finding someone and falling in love with them, without doing any of that work to show them they're loved, won't lead to the most fulfilling relationship, they say. 

Through their research, they found that the 'strongest' couples - meaning those who both believed strongly in commitment to each other, caring about each other, and showing compassion to each other - all used four specific behaviours that made the other feel loved and secure in their relationship. These were; 

1. Spending Meaningful Time Together. According to the research, couples who spent more 'relationship-focused time' together, going on 'regular dates together' or spending meaningful time at home with one another, had stronger marriages than those who did not.

"My wife and I make it a point to spend time together every night watching a movie, working on a project together, or even just talking," Alex, husband to Jessica and dad to three boys, told GoodToKnow. "We also make sure to go on a trip together at least once a year while granny watches the kids. This keeps our relationship strong and it helps us be better parents."

2. Acts of Kindness. Researchers also found that 'doing regular acts of kindness for each other' led couples to feel more secure in their relationships, with both partners 'showing kindness, gratitude, and affection on a daily basis.'

3. Forgive Offences. In conjunction with doing acts of kindness, researchers explained that moving on from negative moments was also important to create a strong relationship. They explained, "This combination of adding positive investments, while productively moving on from negative interactions, keeps a relationship vibrant through the seasons of their relationship."

4. Relationship Maintenance. "High connection couples are significantly more likely to engage in relationship maintenance behaviours in their relationship, such as expressing needs, discussing problems, and setting goals for improvement," the research showed. 

So what's the benefit of these behaviours? Overall, the researchers found that those who showed them, and were on the receiving end of them too, scored very highly when asked about their overall level of life satisfaction and life meaning. It proved, they say, that a healthy relationship that's worked on constantly leads people to have a better outlook on not only their relationship but also their entire life. 

If you want to give the behaviours a try, where should you start? According to Brooke Box, a relationship expert and bestselling author who spoke to GoodToKnow previously about how to fix your marriage while raising kids, carving out quality time is a good jumping off point that should leave the other three behaviours to follow naturally. 

"If you simply haven’t got the bandwidth to schedule regular ‘date nights’, beg, borrow and steal babysitters to have one night where you can both go out and try to reconnect," she says. "If not, try to find small pockets of time where you can be alone together, even if it’s just a cup of coffee in the morning or a glass of wine after the kids go to bed. Dedicate time to be together as a couple, not just as co-parents. It’s crucial to reconnect outside of your parenting roles." 

In other relationship news, do you feel insecure in your relationship? Check if you recognise these 6 'healthy habits' and it might ease your worries. And, scientists reveal the one sign to predict marital bliss. Plus, these are the four toxic traits that will ‘ruin’ your relationship, and how to avoid them.

If you want your marriage to last, research suggests the process of 'neural synchronisation' is important - we share what you need to know about it.

When couples enter into marriage, it's with an unwavering belief it'll be a long and happy union. However, this takes work and there's going to be bumps along the way - feeling disconnected from your partner after kids and a sexless marriage are issues that can't be anticipated but can easily creep into a relationship and cause strain. Sometimes, those carrying the bulk of the mental load can feel resentment towards their partner, stacking up more reasons a relationship can break down. 

While having plenty in common might be viewed by some as a solid basis for a strong and lasting partnership, research conducted by Stanford University suggests couples in happy marriages showed high levels of neural synchronisation - an added level of being on the same wavelength. 

Those with neural synchronisation didn't just have a lot in common, they often share the same thoughts and feelings with their partner. Under an fMRI scan, the brains of couples with neural synchronisation were activated in the same areas. 

Researchers measured neural synchronisation among couples who watched both marriage-related movie scenes and unrelated objects. Those couples who reported the highest levels of happiness had very similar reactions to the marriage-related scenes, but not to the unrelated objects. 

Marital satisfaction and high neural synchronisation directly relates to similarities in latent cognitive, emotional, and mental states rather than more overt traits such as personality. It aligns with harmony of day-to-day partner interactions including communication, conflict resolution, financial disputes, and sex. 

The visual insight provided by the study into the similarity of a couple’s mental processes as they experience and react to their surroundings, offers more conclusive evidence surrounding the theory.

Dr. Jared Heathman, a psychiatrist, told Medical News Today about the findings, “Although both partners are in sync about marriage, they may have different views and perspectives on some various topics, thus explaining why they did not have similar brain activity when viewing non-relationship related images.”

Meanwhile, Vinod Menon, the author of the study, said on Stanford’s website that couples who were in sync when they were “switched off” were generally happier, too. Synchronisation among happily married couples appeared highest in areas of the brain sometimes described as the ‘default mode network’ – the system in use when you’re resting, perhaps mindlessly watching TV.

In other marriage news, 'soulmate thinking' could be standing in the way of a lasting marriage, while compromising may be killing your relationship, and staying together 'for the kids' can have damaging consequences. Meanwhile, here are six phrases for de-escalating conflict in your relationship. Finally, since it's Amazon Prime Day, take a peek at I'm obsessed with Amazon Subscribe & Save for easing the maternal mental load.

Four toxic traits have been identified to potentially ruin your relationship. Our expert shares what they are, and how to avoid them. 

Relationships can fall apart due to a sexless marriage, or one or both sides engaging in emotional cheating to get the validation they want elsewhere. There's also full blown cheating to consider, with some experts sharing how to spot infidelity - although if you need to do this, it's probably time to call time on the relationship anyway. 

But some traits that compromise a relationship are more subtle and it's harder to realise they've infiltrated your partnership. Four of these traits have been identified, and they can 'ruin' your relationship by turning it toxic. The traits were identified by psychologist and professor, John Gottman.  In his Cascade Model of Relational Dissolution theory, he identifies criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as the major patterns that destroy relationships.

We spoke to a BACP registered psychotherapist Susie Masterson about how the traits can affect couples of all stages and what to look out for, she also offers strategies to navigate the behaviours and what can be done to help. Susie tells us "'The four horsemen of the apocalypse' is a metaphor used by John Gottman signalling the death knell of romantic relationships. The Horsemen represent potentially toxic behaviours. 

Potentially toxic because an increase in one or some of these behaviours within a romantic relationship, signifies a breakdown in communication. When working with couples, I often notice each client emphasising one of these behaviours. For example, emphasis on criticism from one party can often illicit defensiveness or stonewalling as a response from the other. As a trauma informed therapist, I think it's often helpful to 'map' these behaviours to our threat responses  - of which there are also four."

Four toxic behaviours

• Criticism. Susie tells us "Criticism is a form of displacement; 'It's not me, it's you.' In romantic relationships, we often criticise in our partner, what we most fear in ourselves. Take a couple of my clients. One of them complains to her partner that their sexual energy was not what it was when they first met. Her girlfriend was hurt by this and slightly baffled. When we began exploring their sex life in our sessions, it became clear that the criticising partner, was actually feeling intimidated by the others predilection for kink (in previous relationships). They didn't know how to raise this in a conversation, so they lashed out instead. They made their own intolerable feelings someone else's issue."
• Contempt. Susie adds "Contempt is often a defence against shame. When we have polarised views in a relationship - whether this is politics, religion, culture or family - it can lead to one of both parties feeling contemptuous of each other. In my couples therapy work, I invite my clients to celebrate their differences. To be curious about why they feel the way they do about a particular topic. To understand that it causes no threat to their individual sense of self, or the sanctity of their relationship. If this doesn't feel safe, I then invite my clients to 'verbally contract' with each other about how to communicate. About how to convey a boundary and respect it."
• Defensiveness. Susie explains "Defensiveness also stems from shame. It's an inability to have agency and accountability for something. This can be something we have done (or not), or certain emotions. If we don't have the relationship models from our childhoods to get something wrong and still feel loved, we will take this 'blueprint' into our adult lives. Defensiveness is often subtle. It can show up as rationalisation or justification. A client might say 'I'm so busy trying to provide for everyone, by putting in the hours at work, that I just don't have time or energy to focus on our relationship right now.' This makes sense, but it ignores the impact that their lack of availability in their relationship is having."
• Stonewalling. Susie concludes "Stonewalling can also be subtle, but incredibly pernicious. It can feel akin to gaslighting if it is left unchecked in a relationship. An example of this that comes up often in couples therapy, is in the recent phenomenon of phubbing, where one or both partners use their phone as a way to stonewall. To ignore a conversation or confrontation. Stonewalling happens when we are emotionally flooded. This activates child parts, that felt helpless and powerless. For the person on the receiving end, it feels like rejection."

Susie shares insight into how to repair your relationship if these toxic traits have taken hold. She says "When trying to repair in relationships, it's really important to recognise that when these behaviours show up, both parties are in pain. It can be really helpful to journal or make a voice note when you feel critical or defensive.

What is going on for you? What was the trigger? Have you felt like this before? Who was that with? Also, take a moment to check in with your body. What are you feeling? What other times do you experience this kind of bodily reaction? After you have done this. Try to communicate with your partner your experience of what happened.

Instead of saying 'you did/don't'...say 'I noticed that I felt x,y,z when this just happened.' Compassion - for ourselves and others - is a wonderful antidote to trauma. Curiosity can help develop compassion. Ask your partner questions like 'what was that like for you?' or 'how did that make you feel?' Don't judge or even comment. Find away to accept your partner's perspective without it feeling like a competition.

When we validate the feelings of another, it chips away at our shame."

For more on relationships, a psychologist shares six signs you've found your soulmate, and indicators you could be in a codependent relationship. We also look at why people ghost each other, and the real reason is very surprising.

If you're feeling insecure in your relationship, take a look at these six healthy habits practiced by people in a secure partnership - introducing them could make a difference to how you feel.

When you're tired, busy parents, creeping worries can appear in your relationship. You might want to spice up your relationship if it feels stuck in a rut, but don't have the time or know where to start. If you find yourself often de-escalating conflict with your partner, there's a chance you could start feeling insecure about the strength of your relationship.

If you want to take a look at your relationship and cleanse it of behaviours that breed insecurity, there are healthy ones you could implement instead. To understand more about good quality relationship traits, we spoke to BACP registered counsellor, Katie Rose. Katie tells us "Taking the time to be self-reflective and curious about what's going on in your relationship can help you understand your response from a new perspective. Ask yourself, do I always respond in the same way? Do certain situations feel more difficult to navigate than others?" By making this reflection, Katie shares how to introduce healthy behaviours into your relationship if you feel insecure.

6 healthy relationship habits to help you feel secure

1. Understand your triggers. If arguments are a frequent part of life with your partner, Katie suggests working out why each side might not react rationally. This involves working out which words and phrases trigger arguments, and how to reframe them to prevent the response that continues or sparks the same quarrel on repeat. Katie shares "In an argument, you might notice that you or your partner responds to something in a way that triggers something from a different time. So, for example, in an argument, your partner loses their temper, and shouts, it might remind you of another time, when you were made to feel small, or 'not good enough.' We might respond from a childlike place of fear or shame, rather than as an adult, able to take their grievances into consideration and look at it rationally."
2. Don't just consider your own perspective. It's a partnership, right? That means both sides need to consider each other's needs and perspectives. Katie tells us "Sometimes we look for people who meet what we perceive to be a deficit in ourselves. So if you feel like you're always serious and methodical, someone who's fun and spontaneous might seem really appealing. As we grow up and take on more responsibility, the thing you valued in them becomes less appealing - who needs fun and spontaneity when life needs systems and processes. What happens if you try to step into their frame of reference, and see things from their perspective?"
3. A daily gesture of kindness. It's possible when you first got together with your partner, compliments and sweet gestures flowed. These naturally ebb away as the relationship ages, and re-introducing small acts of kindness is a healthy habit to develop. relationship psychologist John Gottman, found happy couples build kindness into their relationship and make it a priority. He found carrying out small acts of kindness daily boosts happiness and compassion levels, and lowers stress.
4. Be honest about finances. Katie tells us changing opinions relating to finances can result in conflict and insecurity. She advocates having regular and honest conversations about your financial situation, telling us "In the early, honeymoon stages of a relationship, we don't have to worry too much about the other person's values and behaviour. So, for example, someone who likes the finer things in life might seem really exciting, after all, they're offering you extravagant holidays and smart restaurants. Whether they think that money is there to be spent, or saved for a rainy day isn't particularly important when you're just dating. However, once you're in a more established relationship, navigating issues like finances and parenting might become much more stressful. It's important to have these conversations and sound out your partner regularly. Find the areas that you do agree on and build from there. In most areas, there's room for compromise."
5. Be curious. Like we said, that initial need to find out everything about each other in the early stages of a relationship feels us with joy at the thought someone is interested in who we are. Although you might feel you know your partner inside out, keep trying to be curious about them - we change and evolve and there's always something new to be learnt. Studies show curiosity in another person creates greater emotional intimacy and better sensitivity to each other's needs.
6. Share the mental load. This really can't be stressed enough, especially as it's usually women bearing the brunt of the mental load when it should be an equal part of a relationship. Katie tells us "Women tend to carry the mental load - that is, the long list of things that you have in your head that needs doing at all times - the food shopping that needs to be done, birthday presents for the party at the weekend, trousers that need shortening, the after- school classes that need to be booked and paid for. This can also lead to resentment in a relationship. Try to divide tasks up more evenly. Even if you feel that you can do something better or quicker than your partner, giving them the opportunity to do it, still relieves you of some of the work, and shows them just how much you do." 

For more on relationships, do you know about emotional cheating, and could you spot infidelity? Some people find themselves in a codependent relationship without realising - we share the signs.

Men cause more stress for mothers than their children, according to a new study. Here’s what a relationship expert and some parents have to say about it, plus tips for reducing this stress.

There's no doubt that women face numerous challenges. For mothers, the complex process of matrescence —a transitional period where they adjust to significant changes in their lives and bodies— begins with giving birth. This seismic shift often comes with the added burden of carrying the bulk of the mental load, which can lead to parenting burnout. 

So it's probably unsurprising that a study carried out by Today of over 7,000 mothers asked to report their stress levels, gave the average stress level of 8.5 out of 10 per mum. Their biggest reported stressor? Their partners. For 46 per cent of those mums, partners are a bigger source of stress than kids. This is quite a stereotypical trope in a relationship, that a male partner will be the cause of endless irritation. The parents we spoke to often reported this to be the case in line with the study. We also spoke to a therapist who shared ways to move forward.

Georgina Sturmer is a BACP registered counsellor who specialises in helping women be happy and confident in their relationships. Georgina tells us, "When it comes to a husband and wife, or any model of co-parenting, the dynamic can feel like shifting sands. Like an imbalanced power struggle. Maybe we oscillate between ‘good cop’ and ‘bad cop’. Perhaps we can’t agree on how to parent. 

"Maybe there’s simmering anger or resentment about pulling our weight in household tasks. Or in decisions around money, home life, socialising and much more. There are so many potential triggers for disagreement, and we are often tired or overwhelmed by the physical or mental load of everything that needs to get done. And this sometimes means that instead of finding our co-parent supportive, we can actually feel as if they are simply adding an extra weight to our lives."

The study also found mothers stress most about not having enough time to get everything done, with three-quarters of mums with partners reporting they do most of the parenting and household duties. One in five say not having enough help from their partner is a huge source of daily stress.

Mum-of-two, Lucy, agrees with this. She says, "I work from home and my husband works between home and an office. He always finishes before me and appears to work fewer hours. It never ceases to amaze me how he can walk in and ignore washing to be put away, a dishwasher that needs loading, recycling to put out, and every other job. I shouldn't have to spell it out for him, he's a grown man. Instead, I simmer with rage most days when I put down my laptop one minute and go straight to the kitchen the next, without pausing for breath before doing all the tasks he could easily have done." 

Mum-of-three, Kate, feels similarly. She shares, "When my husband took a job that meant he'd be away a lot, I was relieved. Honestly, life was just much easier without him in the house. I tried engaging him with household tasks - every job he left for me to do that he could've easily done himself, I left a sticky note on saying 'up yours Kate.' Because that's what leaving those jobs for me meant - that he didn't care enough about me or respect me enough to do them. He was embarrassed and attempted to do better, but now he's away most of the time I get on with everything and not having to look after him is one less burden."

Georgina tells us these feelings can be navigated, and there are ways to move forward. 

What to do if your partner stresses you out

• Getting to grips with what’s happening. Georgina shares, "There’s a common trope of one parent moaning about the other one. Maybe it’s the dishwasher, late nights, or spending money. And some of this might be playful banter. But if you’re feeling anxious or annoyed or angry on a regular basis, get to grips with what’s really happening. Is it how a specific task is done? Or is it a general issue with your relationship? Or you might also discover that other aspects of life are filtering in and giving you a sense of anger or irritation and that some of this then leads you to focus it towards your co-parent. When we untangle what’s annoying us, it helps us to make sense of what we’re feeling.  
• Communication. Georgina adds, "Once we know what’s bothering us, the next step is to consider how we communicate this. And that might sound frightening. But you’re probably already doing it, albeit in less healthy ways. The silent treatment, slamming doors, talking over each other. Imagine what it would be like to calmly and sensitively express how you are feeling. Use ‘I statements’ to express what you are feeling, rather than making it feel like an attack on the other person.  
• Be open to feedback. "It’s one thing to understand what’s going on and to start talking," Georgina continues, adding, "But another part of this is to acknowledge that our co-parent might have something to say too. And that in order to move forward, we need to be open to their constructive feedback too. 
• Remember to enjoy each other. When we have children, it’s easy to lose a sense of who we are. Our identity becomes subsumed by that of a mother, a father, a parent whose job it is to look after our children. It’s so important to retain a sense of our own identity. And that goes for the ‘identity’ of our relationship too. To remember the things that we enjoy about each other, to have fun together, to think about date nights and intimacy, even when these things need to go on the back burner for a period of time."

For more on relationships and motherhood, we share the daily habit that could be killing your relationship, and why some people turn to emotional cheating. We also have some tips to help you fancy your partner again, if you want to bring back a bit of spark to your partnership.

A couples and family psychologist has revealed the six signs that show whether or not you're with the 'right' person - but what do our experts think of the list?

In a world where 'ghosting' has sadly become a popular term for those looking for love, it can feel like the soulmate ideals we once looked up to have, well, become ghosts. But that may not be the worst thing. For one, research has shown that 'soulmate thinking' could be standing in the way of a lasting marriage for many couples and it's led one expert to call for a re-defining of the term. 

Gregory Matos, a board-certified couples and family psychologist, believes we should be thinking of a 'soulmate' as someone who you are sharing a 'highly compatible, secure, and healthy long-term relationship' with, not as someone we've just met who we believe to be 'the one' from the get-go. 

But why ditch such a romantic notion? Writing in PsychologyToday, Matos says that the idea of a soulmate can lead many people to stay in abusive and toxic relationships or, on the other end of the spectrum, cause people to jump out of partnerships with great potential because they think the 'right' person may be elsewhere. 

Instead, Matos wants people to rethink what the 'right' person looks like. He says, "What if your soulmate was someone highly compatible with you, that what was 'meant to be' was to find that level of compatibility? Why not someone who also made a consistent effort? "Let 'meant to be' mean a healthy, long-term love with someone you’re highly compatible with."

So how do you know if you've met that 'right' person who you are 'highly compatible' with? Sharing his best-case scenario of high compatibility, Matos revealed his list of six signs that proves you've found your soulmate - and they're not about matching traits or qualifications, but the way you feel when you're with them. 

6 signs you're with the 'right' person

• You experience a high degree of consistent emotional connection.
• You have fun together and enjoy similar activities or adventures.
• You crave each other sexually.
• You experience pleasure together in silence.
• You accept your partner as they are and experience acceptance from them.
• You and your partner feel chosen.

But, after analysing the signs, Jessi Gholami, a licensed PCIT therapist, clinical social worker, and senior editor of Start Here Parents, told us here at Goodto.com that there's a glaring problem, or several, with the list, especially for couples with kids. 

"The article does outline several positive qualities that can indicate compatibility and a healthy long-term relationship," she admits before adding, "But it's so important not to hold these as an unrealistic ideal or checklists of perfection. 

"Relationships go through natural ebbs and flows, especially when dealing with the demands of modern day parenthood. As busy parents, it may not always feel like you have an intense 'emotional connection' or are consistently 'craving each other sexually'." 

Instead of taking that to mean you're not with the 'right' person, Gholami says to focus on Matos's more general ideas of a healthy relationship. She explains, "The key is having an overall foundation of mutual love, respect, and commitment that can persevere through the inevitable stressors and changes that come with jobs, finances, household duties, and raising children together; The sleepless nights, the tantrums, the endless juggling of schedules and responsibilities. 

"When you're in the thick of parenthood, simply maintaining that bedrock of partnership and care for one another is what's most important. It's wise to keep realistic expectations and not get caught up in chasing a 'Hollywoodized' version of romance. As parents, qualities like dependability, teamwork, and the ability to grow together are arguably more important than checking off every box on a list."

 Dr Martha, a clinical psychologist and the author of How to Be the Grown-Up: Why Good Parenting Starts with You, agrees with Gholami, adding that the third sign, 'You crave each other sexually,' is particularly misleading for many. 

"This ‘sign’ of a highly compatible relationship is a misleading myth that may be harmful for some," she told us here at GoodTo.com. "Our society holds strong myths around sexual desire that can impact on couples’ satisfaction when there is no problem in their sexual relationship, the problem lies within the perceived societal expectations placed on couples. 

"It’s not the frequency or the ‘craving’ of sex that keeps long-term couples together. It’s how pleasurable sex is between them, how satisfied they are with the quality of sex they are having. And this is really important if you are in a long-term relationship, particularly if you are a parent because desire shrinks with familiarity and it decreases further with tiredness and time pressure. So keeping ‘desire’ high is an impossible task that can leave some couples feeling incompatible when they’re just experiencing a normal couple process." 

Navigating relationships after starting a family can be difficult. Life can sweep you up and learning how to explain the mental load of that to your partner is hard but necessary. You may find yourself feeling disconnected from your partner after having a baby, which is completely normal, but when you're ready there are plenty of ways to connect with your partner after your kids have gone to bed including one simple habit that could get your sex life back on track after having a baby. 

Have you ever wondered if your relationship could be codependent? An expert shares 10 sure signs it is, and how to manage codependence if they sound familiar.

Relationships are difficult to navigate, and many mitigating factors can cause them to turn unhealthy. Too much compromising from one partner can lead to resentment, and lack of boundaries in relationships can worsen these feelings and make the relationship feel even less satisfying. In some cases, one or both members of the partnership rely on others for the affirmation they need and resort to emotional cheating, or full-blown infidelity.

The codependent relationship is another branch of unhealthy partnerships. It can be more difficult to pinpoint, with some people failing to realise they're in one or know how to manage one. Essentially, codependency is a form of relationship addiction, with one person feeling the need to 'save' the other. Often, this results in one partner building their identity around the other, sacrificing their happiness to attend to their needs. 

To understand the codependent relationship better, we spoke to relationship expert, Dr Tara Suwinyattichaiporn. Dr Tara shares "If you think you might be in a codependent relationship, the first thing to do is to do an audit of your relationship. Do you feel unsatisfied? Is your relationship equitable or inequitable? Does it seem like someone is always giving or taking? Does it feel like one person is a caretaker and the other is entitled to it? If your answers reveal codependent tendencies, it’s time to do inner work."

Dr Tara shares the top 10 indicators of a codependent relationship us. These include: 

10 signs of a codependent relationship

1. Overt need for approval from the partner – in a codependent relationship, one partner would do anything in order to get attention and approval from another partner. For example, a girlfriend regularly dresses in a way that her boyfriend prefers (not her personal choice) in order to please him.
2. Overly apologetic and consistently taking the blame – this is where one partner expresses their entitlement to be right and the other is the apologiser ultimately enabling the entitled person’s behaviour. For example, a partner that says sorry often and constantly asking the other partner if they’re okay. 
3. Idealising your relationship – thinking you can’t live without your partner and that this relationship means more than yourself or thinking without this perfect relationship you’re nothing. For example, telling friends how obsess you are with your partner and how amazing they treat you (not actually reflecting real life).
4. Excessive worry about your partner – since your co-dependence is based on how your partner is doing and not yourself, one person tends to be overly concerned about the other. For example, constantly texting your partner to check-in. 
5. Ignoring your own needs – this is a classic case of codependency since one’s worth is based on the other, the giver in the relationship often neglect themselves. For example, you had a hard day at work and need to relax and unwind but your partner is again stressed out about their projects so you drop your relaxation plans to help and pamper them.

6. Doing more than you should in order to earn affection – a healthy relationship is an equitable relationship but when one does way more for the other it’s often because one is a giver and the other is the taker and it’s a case of codependency. For example, a girlfriend goes over to a boyfriend’s apartment to take care of him, clean up after him and his place after he had a binge drinking night out with the boys.
7. You can’t be yourself in a relationship – if being yourself isn’t something that your partner enjoys, one partner often tries to become someone that their partner is attracted to. For example, an outgoing and extroverted man who loves going out completely stops enjoying his night out and stays home every night in order to appease his jealous girlfriend or a woman can’t talk about her career successes in the relationship because she doesn’t want her partner to feel bad/envious.
8. Feeling emotionally exhausted at the end of the day – codependency is emotionally taxing and one way it sneaks up on you is when you feel super tired after a normal day because you’ve been catering to your partner all day. For example, you feel exhausted but you haven’t physically done much that day.
9. Comparing your relationship to others – codependent partners know deep down that their relationship isn’t healthy so they often compensate by verbalizing to each other how amazing their relationship is comparing to so and so in order to maintain their relationship.
10. Lack of self-care – this is simple, the giver is often so focused on the taker that they don’t really engage in self-care activities. With no self-care practices, one will get burned out and eventually feeling dissatisfied in the relationship.

If any or a combination of these sound familiar, there are ways you can find help. If you feel this is something you'll need professional help with, Dr Tara recommends seeking out a counsellor or therapist with experience in this area.

If it's something you'd like to work on yourself in the first instance, Dr Tara suggests "You can seek out help from life coaches, or read books about overcoming codependency. You need to start prioritising your own needs and desires. Self-love practices like positive self-affirmations, reflective journaling, and confidence meditations can contribute to rebuilding yourself and maintaining a healthy relationship." 

If you're looking to spice up a relationship, try our 27 top tips, or these ten ways to connect once the kids are in bed. Using these five phrases is a sign your relationship is stronger than most, and you should continue to use them every day.

Most people think they know why others engage in 'ghosting,' but surprising new research shows entirely different motivation for the behaviour, that stands contrary to popular opinion - our relationship experts shares their thought on the findings.

Ghosting can take many forms, and isn't limited to dating. Those who've found out the hard way that best friends are no longer forever, might've been ghosted by friendship groups. Working from home might keep mother's in employment, but means they can more easily be ghosted by colleagues, which might happen more than you realise. Among family disputes and grandparent fails, family members have ended up ghosting each other - proving just how many forms the behaviour can take.

However, new research has turned everything you think you might know about ghosting on its head. When it comes to dating, it's for cowards and sociopaths who don't care about anyone's feeling, right? According to the study, just the opposite. The researchers suggest the ghosted person instantly takes the behaviour as a negative form of rejection. This is because they are faced with an empty gap, that should be filled with reasons for end of the relationship - this feels destabilising and there's usually an overwhelming need to fill the gap for closure.  

Humans have a natural tendency to fill this void of knowledge with self-deprecatory speculation, leading to feelings of insecurity and anger towards the ghoster. The study found that actually, those doing the ghosting are trying to protect the feelings of the ones they've chosen to no longer spend time with. The thought of offering reasons for no longer wanting to be friends or refusing a follow up date makes them frightened of having to hurt the other party's feelings. Instead, they mistakenly feel that leaving these things unsaid will prevent hurt. 

Why would ghosting prevent someone's feelings being hurt?

To understand the concept of why a ghoster would believe this behaviour actually saves the feelings of the person they're ghosting, we spoke to Dee Johnson, senior accredited BACP therapist, and Georgina Sturmer, BACP registered counsellor. Dee shares her perspective, telling us: "It can be because they truly believe that no good will come from any further communication. That trying to keep communicating - even with the best intentions at heart - they know may cause pain, hurt, misunderstanding, anger and stress, and the realisation there is no point in laying the path for these emotions."

Georgina adds "They say that the ‘truth hurts,’ and hearing the truth isn’t always an enlightening or uplifting experience. Sometimes it’s painful, embarrassing, anxiety ridden or anger inducing. And when we know this, it helps us to understand why we might not tell the full story when something happens in a friendship or relationship. 

In that moment, it might feel kinder or easier or less frightening to simply cut and run. This is even more likely to be the case if we know that someone has low self-esteem or is already vulnerable. Or if we know that they have been through this before with other people. We might believe that it’s kinder to do a disappearing act and to ghost them than to explain the reasons why we are removing ourselves from the friendship, relationship or situation."

Why do we jump to the worst conclusions when it comes to ghosting?

As the study suggests, the most natural behaviour for the person being ghosted is to immediately believe bad things about themselves - they aren't good enough, they aren't attractive enough, or they're a boring person and nobody wants them in a friendship group. This raises the question, why is this our 'go-to' trail of thought, and why wouldn't we believe the ghoster had ulterior motives of kindness?

Dee explains this response, telling us "We are all masters at doing other people’s thinking for them - imaging what and why a person is reacting in a way towards us, getting caught up in our thoughts and running all sorts of angry, confused, worried and painful scenarios in our heads…most of which leads to more negative beliefs. It is natural for us to have as a basic survival response to look for the worst conclusion, unfortunately a lot of this just derives from our negative imagination." 

Dee adds "If you already have low self-esteem, anxiety, a history of being bullied, abused or controlled, your fear based response will kick in. Over time this becomes a conditioned response and trying to desperately get a sense of control to work out if you did something wrong - perhaps you can amend it - and then you will not be blamed any more . This is such a distressing way of being and only leads to more lack of confidence and low mood. The overthinking of every possibility becomes all-consuming and you are telling your brain 'it’s your fault', desperately searching for a rationale to give a resolution or closure."

Furthering the conversation, Georgina tells us "Our natural instinct is to look to those around us for feedback. For a sense of whether or not we are accepted and liked by other people. This helps us to build a sense of security and confidence in ourselves. And if this feedback is negative or critical, then it can lend weight to our own self-criticism." 

She continues "This is where ghosting can be so damaging. For the person who is doing the ghosting it might feel like a neutral act, perhaps sparing the other person from knowing the truth. But for the person who is being ghosted, there’s a layer of uncertainty that can be incredibly destabilising. That sense of ‘not knowing’ adds to our own self-criticism and spiralling negative thoughts, until we believe ourselves inherently ‘bad’ in some way." 

For more on negative behaviours, we look at whether you could have a toxic mother, and the six phrases adult children need to hear from their difficult parents to begin healing. Parents should also be aware that it's good to talk to kids about achievements, but experts share how to do this in a healthy and non-toxic way.

Can you spot infidelity? Research reveals the top 11 red flag behaviours to indicate a potentially cheating partner - our relationship expert shares her thoughts on the list.

Being married or in a long-term relationship takes a lot of hard work and commitment. If you're a woman in that position and have children, the strain of matrescence and the mental load on top of trying to maintain a functioning partnership, can feel overwhelming. If one person starts to feel particularly dissatisfied with the direction the relationship takes - lack of intimacy and low levels of excitement and fun are just a couple of factors involved - emotional cheating or full blown infidelity can happen.

We spoke to BACP registered therapist Charlotte Fox Weber, to gain a better understanding of cheating and looking out for it. Charlotte tells us "If you suspect that your partner is having an affair, it can be difficult not to drive yourself mad if you’re continually reassured that it’s all in your head. People can be masterful at covering their tracks if they’re determined to deceive. In addition to the usual signs, there are patterns that may indicate duplicity." 

The patterns and strategies in question, relate to a study that set out to identify behaviours individuals might use to conceal and affair. In the first instance, acts that were considered untrustworthy enough to end a marriage were identified by researchers. The 53 behaviours were then condensed into 11 strategies considered to be the top red flags to look out for to indicate a cheating partner. Charlotte shares her thoughts on some of the key behaviours with us.

11 ways to spot infidelity

1. Being discreet. This usually includes the cheating partner meeting somebody in remote and isolated places, and areas neither of them will be known. They will also create believable excuses for their absence. Charlotte says "Making a meeting a work discussion can act as a cover, as can setting up a meeting under the pretence of getting advice about something or someone."
2. Eliminating digital evidence. This can mean being careful to delete messages and emails, and thinking hard about what they share to social media. Charlotte says "If someone has no messages on their phone, it can be a sign of too much carefulness. A person living a double life can go to great efforts to keep up with the appearance of normalcy. It’s incredible how much people can compartmentalise. They can convince themselves that they are living life as normal by being responsible and assiduous. If people have splits in their lives and characters, there can be a staggering capacity to keep relationships separate."
3. Keeping behaviour the same. Exactly as it suggests, the cheating partner will try not to change their attitude toward the existing partner - any change in their behaviour can arouse suspicion. 
4. Showing more interest in you. In trying not to show they're invested in another person, a cheating partner can even go the other way and become far more affectionate to the person they're being unfaithful to. Charlotte explains "Some partners can still be extremely attentive and correct, while having affairs. It’s not black and white, and the vilification that follows can be devastating for the whole family. Deception is ultimately self-sabotage."
5. Setting up email accounts you don't know about/having a burner phone. It's not unusual for those being unfaithful to set up secret email addresses and purchase an extra phone their partner doesn't know about. 

6. Adding extra security to accounts and devices that are known about. If a partner suddenly changes their passwords or sets up increased security on their devices for no reason, it could be time to get suspicious. Hiding their phone and keeping it on silent can also be red flag behaviours if unusual for the person. 
7. Using friends to hide their activities. Their friends might not know they're cheating, but they make excellent alibis for the cheater's whereabouts. Someone might lie about being with a friend, and use work colleagues as an excuse for being late home. 
8. Presenting the person they're cheating with as a colleague or friend. The cheater could even introduce the person they're having an affair with into their family life. This could be under the belief their existing partner would never think they'd have the audacity to do this if they were being unfaithful with this new person. Charlotte says "Some people hide in plain sight. Normalising someone as a friend of acquaintance can mitigate suspicion, and seeming naive can be a further way of backing a deception."
9. Never appearing suspicious. This includes meeting the secret partner at less suspicious times, or as Charlotte tells us "Partners using weekly appointments can be a common cover." They might also start an unexpected new 'hobby' or to justify being away from the house.
10. Infrequent contact with the person they're cheating with, or regularly changing who they they cheat with. Just what it says, a cheater might keep contact with the other partner to a minimum, or regularly mix up secret liaisons to instead have a stream of occasional partners.
11. Keeping their routine the same. This involves going to great lengths to keep their appearance the same, and carefully controlling expenses so nothing unusual can be spotted.

As some of the strategies are similar or even conflicting, it should be pointed out that someone cheating wouldn't be using all of them. According to Psychology Today, more than 70% of study participants reported willingness to use at least seven of the strategies. Interestingly, those who scored highly in Machiavellianism - personalities inclined to be manipulative, lack empathy, self-centred and indifferent to morality - were most likely to engage in these strategies. 

For more on relationships, a relationship expert shares three psychological ways to know if you're still in love, and the daily habit all couples do that could be killing your relationship. If you're wondering how to spice up a relationship, these tips will help. 

Worried about emotional cheating? We speak to family and relationship experts about this difficult form of betrayal - they discuss what you need to know about it, and the best ways to work through it. 

Relationships are complex and nuanced, and couples can run into difficulties for a number of reasons. For those with children, women can be affected by the process of matrescence, and the burden of the mental load - while grappling with difficult feelings and bodily changes, it's unsurprising that a marriage or relationship isn't top of a woman's list of priorities.

Lack of intimacy and falling into a sexless marriage can breed resentment, and feeling each other's needs aren't being met. This can result in behaviour that blurs lines between what constitutes cheating - sending suggestive text messages or finding emotional comfort outside your marriage might be different to straight up cheating, but can be equally damaging. 

To broaden our understanding of emotional cheating, we spoke to three experts who specialise in family and relationship therapy. BACP registered therapists Natasha-Rae Adams, Stefan Walters, and Cate Campbell share their knowledge on what constitutes emotional cheating, and how you can work through it.

Stefan tells us: "There are many types of cheating and disloyalty within relationships, to varying degrees, but perhaps one of the easiest to overlook is emotional cheating. This is when one partner starts to share intimate thoughts or feelings with a third party, without the knowledge of their partner. As the saying goes, an affair can often start with a simple text message."

What is emotional cheating?

Emotional cheating is more than just a sharing banter with a really good friend. Although nothing physical happens in the emotional relationship, feelings similar to those occurring in a sexual relationship can be felt. Natasha-Rae tells us "One of the core elements that distinguishes emotional cheating from a close platonic relationship is that the emotional connection threatens the bond or intimacy the person already shares with their partner.

"In the emotional affair, the bond between the two people feels more intense than a bond between the person and their partner. Further, feelings of sexual attraction, tension or chemistry may develop alongside the emotional connection. As emotional cheating develops, the person may begin to overstep the threshold of boundaries, ultimately harming trust in the relationship. The person may become preoccupied with thoughts of the other person, resulting in a lack of interest in their partner."

Stefan adds: "Things can seem innocent at first, but if this becomes flirtatious or inappropriate, or excludes the partner, then this can quickly become a case of emotional cheating. There may not even be any sexual content to the exchange (eg. it could be all about work stresses), but if things start to develop a sense of shared intimacy, then this may be construed as emotional cheating."

Overall, emotional cheating relies on a co-dependency between a partner and someone outside their relationship. When families are busy and intimacy is low, someone in the partnership can be left feeling 'ignored' if they don't communicate this need effectively. This can result in emotional connections developing quickly, or with people those doing the cheating wouldn't ordinarily be interested in - the mental connection fulfils a need, and feels more special than it actually is. 

7 ways to overcome emotional cheating

1. Address intimacy issues. Issues relating to intimacy should be discussed in a partnership before someone is left feeling frustrated. Natasha-Rae tells us "In terms of resolving an emotional affair, the first thing to address is the intimacy issues in the current relationship. Emotional affairs can worsen an intimacy issue that was already present; as the person engages more in their emotional affair, they withdraw from their relationship, which in turn, sustains the emotional affair. It becomes a vicious cycle." 
2. Check how connected you are. Similar to looking at intimacy issues, problems around connection should be discussed. Natasha-Rae adds "It is important to ask oneself how connected they are feeling to their partner and why there is a lapse of connection there. Where there is a lapse of connection, it is useful to have regular check-ins that involve vulnerable discussions about emotions and feelings. It is through a rebuilding of trust and intimacy that connections can be restored. Remember, it is natural for relationships to ebb and flow as long as we recognise when there is distance and how to come back to one another."
3. Re-frame what is normal. Relationships are far from perfect, and while me might think others are experiencing a fantasy partnership full of romance and lust, they really aren't. Natasha-Rae shares "Another important issue to address is whether the emotional affair is connected to idealistic fantasies. Sometimes emotional cheating can be born from our own lack of fulfilment and desire for a ‘perfect’ life. We can sometimes see the person that we engage in the emotional affair with as a vehicle to happiness. If your thoughts surrounding this person are utopian and unrealistic, this may be occurring. Remember that all healthy relationships experience conflict. Address the areas of your life that you feel a lack of fulfilment and try to recognise that emotional affairs can relieve stress, low mood or lack of motivation, but do not solve the root issues."
4. Be transparent. This relates to not only the details of the emotional affair, but anything that leaves a person feeling like this was the only option available to them. Stefan tells us "In these cases, transparency is the most important part of the process of repair for the couple. Each partner will need to fully understand what was shared and why, and they both need to recognise the difference between privacy and secrecy. We are all entitled to privacy at times, however secrecy is very different. If we knowingly withhold things that may impact or exclude our partners, then that is veering into dangerous emotional territory."
5. Be realistic. Cate tells us that whoever had the emotional affair should really look at it closely and evaluate what they thought they'd get from it and whether it's more important than their current relationship. She says "Be realistic; is the emotional affair likely to last, or would you even want it to? These relationships are often a way to distract yourself from the problems you have at home. If your primary relationship is in trouble, address this."
6. Create boundaries. Cate also discusses setting boundaries about what constitutes emotional cheating - this can differ from person to person, and one person might not even be aware they've 'cheated.' Cate adds "Discuss relationship boundaries with your partner. It may be that you're both unclear about what the other would consider emotional infidelity. Being clearer about this could strengthen your trust in each other and the bonds you share."
7. Allow time to grieve. This is an important one - emotional cheating is still distressing and can be a total surprise in some cases. Allow the hurt party time to grieve what they thought they knew in the partnership. Natasha-Rae concludes "Allow yourself to go through a grieving process and let the emotional affair go. Whilst going through this process, recognise what needs the affair served and construct a plan to have these needs met in a healthy way that is conducive to your life at present. Acknowledge your partner’s pain, empathising with their emotions and responses. Couples therapy can aid this. Have a renewed focus on rebuilding trust in the relationship, and recognise that this can take time. Alongside this, I think it is important to renew one’s commitment to the relationship- remind yourself of what the relationship has offered you in the past and why you want to stay." 

If you're looking to spice up your relationship, our tips will help. Meanwhile, using five particular phrases is a sign your relationship is stronger than most, and a relationship expert shares three psychological ways to tell if you're still in love.  

A psychologist has revealed the seven-word phrase you should never say to your partner and, while you may mean well, it has the power to destroy a relationship. 

There are plenty of red flag behaviours and negative actions that experts have drawn our attention to when it comes to our relationships, like how 'soulmate thinking' and even just watching TV with your partner can negatively impact your relationship. 

But even if you're giving it your all to keep up a healthy relationship, perhaps by finding ways to connect with your partner after your kids have gone to bed and like being with your partner again after having a baby, there is one common phrase you may have incorporated into your vocabulary that could be killing your relationship - and we've all said it before. 

According to Jeffrey Bernstein PhD, a parent coach and psychologist with over 30 years of experience providing couples and family counselling and coaching, the phrase 'Don't worry; we will work it out' is one you never want to say to your partner for three very important reasons - even if you mean well when you say it.

1. It provides 'false reassurance.' Writing in Psychology Today, the expert explained that it might feel like, when you're in the grips of a difficult time, saying "Don't worry; we will work it out," is a supportive response that will either calm your partner or, at least, get them off your back. But, in reality, the expert says it merely brings 'temporary relief and comfort' from a problem that will most likely persist and even worsen without intervention. 

The supportive words are completely useless without follow through. Instead, you should take 'concrete steps to address' the problem - so doing the actual 'working out' that the phrase implies. Without trying to find a solution, the struggles continue and the partner will start to question the sincerity behind the phrase, 'leading to doubt and frustration' that can kill the relationship. 

2. It allows for a 'lack of accountability.' If you and your partner are making big life plans, from anything like starting a family, to moving house, to moving country even, it can be easy to want to go with the flow and 'work it out' when problems arise. But, as much as we want to, big life plans often require a lot of actual planning.  

Throwing out the phrase 'Don't worry; we will work it out,' may feel easy at the time, but in the future as plans come to fruition, the expert says you'll experience "a lot of strain as each avoided serious discussion of crucial specifics. 

"Instead of facing issues head-on and taking responsibility for finding solutions, they relied on each others' empty promises of resolution—without actively engaging in problem-solving."

3. It leads to a communication breakdown. It's likely that in a relationship, one person is a 'planner' and the other is a more 'laid-back' type whose likely to 'prioritise fun over structure.' When the latter is constantly throwing out the phrase 'Don't worry; we will work it out,' the planner is likely to get frustrated as their 'conflicting viewpoints lead to heated debates over everything.' 

This can turn making decisions into an argument every single time you try to talk about something, leaving one or the other unsure of how to deal with 'the strain of their differing perspectives.'

So, what can couples do instead? According to Dr Bernstein, "While offering reassurance and optimism is helpful in any partnership, it's equally important for partners to back up their words with meaningful action and genuine effort to address challenges."

So, next time you want to say, "Don't worry; we will work it out'," take a breath and figure out a solution instead. Over time, you'll notice how much better your trust, communication, and accountability is in your relationship. 

In other relationship news, compromising may be killing your relationship - here are 5 ways to reach healthy compromises, according to relationship expert. And, one common habit could be key to improving your sex life, says relationship expert - it only takes 20 seconds and can even be done in public! Plus, reframing one simple habit could get your sex life back on track after having a baby, new research shows.

A relationship expert has revealed the top three ways compromising in a relationship can lead to you having 'periodic explosions' - and revealed what you should try to do instead. 

Relationships can be both the most fulfilling and most stress-inducing aspects of our lives - and are often both at the same time! Everyone knows the ups and downs that can punctuate a partnership and, whether you're in a long-term relationship with your partner, or you're still in that sweet honeymoon faze of marriage, or you're navigating a relationship after having kids, there's one seemingly innocent thing we're all guilty of doing that a relationship expert has just revealed could be causing a lot of trouble; compromising. 

We think that going along with what a partner says, wants or does for the sake of keeping the peace, giving in so we can avoid an argument, is a good thing. But relationship expert Robert Taibbi has now shared that compromising in a relationship can lead to problems like 'periodic explosions' and even eventually to divorce. 

That's because, he writes in Psychology Today, when one person is consistently compromising, overtime an imbalance forms where one person is always getting what they want, while the other is in danger of forming a resentment as their needs are consistently ignored. 

This is what happens when partners rely on unhealthy compromises for the sake of keeping the peace. The expert explains, "Many have learned to manage relationships and conflict by being passive and going along. The problem is that less anxiety comes with a cost—you’re living others' lives and not [your] own, and at some point, you look back and realise that you never lived the life you truly wanted."

This passivity can also manifest in 'pre-compromising.' So you may think of something you want to do, or somewhere you want to go, but you know that your partner probably won't agree to it. So, instead of voicing your desires, you go for a second or third option you think they may agree with. This, the expert says, may help you to avoid conflict but it also leads many people to live a 'watered down' version of the life they truly want. 

In some cases, as well as 'going along' with what a partner wants or pre-compromising to accommodate them, someone may also expect 'a payoff' for their compromise. According to Taibbi, as a reward for giving in over one thing, a partner may expect 'appreciation, more affection, and sex' as well as the future promise that the partner 'will give in to' their desires at some point in the future. The problem with this way of thinking, he explains, is that the other partner often does not know they are thinking this at all as it's an unvoiced thought. "It would be more balanced if [they] said, 'I’m willing to go along with this, but I need you to support me on that'," he explains. "The key is speaking up."

But while there are unhealthy ways of compromising, there are also healthier ways of reaching a compromise that you can both feel happy with. 

1. Decide on what you want rather than what you should do. Taibbi says, "Think about what you ideally want; rather than going on autopilot and thinking about how to avoid conflict, take the risk of deciding what is important to you." It may lead to an argument but if it's something you really want, it should be worth fighting for.  

2. Meet, be clear, and say what you want. If you're making a decision as a couple and know that it may take time for you both to get on the same page, the expert recommends marking out a specific time to sit down together. "Pick a time that allows you both to be your best selves," he says, "Not 11pm or after you’ve had three beers." This should let you both lay out your wants in an organised manner and open up the room for discussion, not 'explosive' arguments. 

3. Avoid pre-compromising. "Be bold, get [what you want] on the table, and avoid the temptation to water it down," Taibbi says. Be clear about what you really want to do, not what you think you should do to keep the peace.

4. Don’t be a bully. When standing up for what you want, "you might be tempted to overdo it and be bullish," the expert says. But while it's good to make a stand, you don't want to get angry at your partner and begin an argument. Instead, "Step it down a few steps without slipping into giving in or passivity."

5. Aim for a win-win compromise. "Win-win means that you both feel heard and are willing to adjust your ideas—not out of anxiety or habit or scoring points and being a martyr—but out of caring for others and still feeling that you’re being heard," the expert says. 

If you're struggling to settle on a compromise that keeps you both happy, he recommends to think outside the box. Using the example of planning a holiday, he says to try something completely different than what you'd originally thought. "A staycation, a new destination that neither would consider, wrapping both ideals somehow into one trip," he lists. "Or, [you can] split the time [to do what you both want]—a couple of days at the beach and a couple in the city, and then go camping." There's always an option to keep you all happy. 

In other relationship news, is your relationship stuck in a rut? One psychologist has revealed how to stop your relationship becoming ‘predictable and boring’ while another has shared how 'soulmate thinking' could be standing in the way of a lasting marriage. Plus, this daily habit all couples do could be killing your relationship, says expert - but the advice has proved to be controversial. 

Many parents struggle to get their sex life back on track after having a baby, but new research has shown how one simple habit could make all the difference.

Nobody should feel the need to spice up their relationship right after having a baby. After all, the sleepless nights, postpartum hormones and leaky boobs make it difficult to have a fulfilling sex life while breastfeeding and carrying out all the other demands of life as a new parent.

So, if you're feeling like you've gone off sex after welcoming your little one, rest assured you're not alone. It's totally normal to feel like your physical relationship has come to something of a standstill. But new research has found that there's one key habit that improves the sexual relationship between couples postpartum, and reframing how you approach it could be crucial if you're looking for a way to get things back on track.

The 2024 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that attitudes towards physical touch had a significant impact on couples during the first few months of parenthood. The conclusions suggested seeing physical touch as a way to cope with difficult emotions - rather than as solely sexual - could be the key to improving postpartum sex life.

In a finding that may not be surprising to many, the researchers noted that affectionate behaviours such as touching, caressing, and kissing tend to decline from mid-pregnancy to one year postpartum. The authors suggested that this might be due to new parents being 'touched out' from caring for their child, or alternatively viewing affectionate touch as a precursor to sexual activity, which they may not be ready for.

However, in the instances where parents had a more positive attitude to physical touch - instead viewing it as a way to express affection, cope with stress, and regulate difficult emotions - it led to a higher frequency and variety of sexual and affectionate behaviours at three months postpartum.

The researchers explain, "Partners who believe that touch helps them regulate difficult emotions might foster an environment in which gestational parents also feel more understood and cared for and who, in turn, are more likely to maintain affectionate behaviours during pregnancy".

They added that "a nonverbal strategy such as touch might be useful to promote intimacy and care" for new parents.

The research highlights the importance of viewing physical touch as a positive way of coping with the difficult emotions that parenting can bring, in order to improve sexual intimacy between parents.

If you're in the first few months of parenthood and having sex is the furthest thing from your mind, then no judgement from us - the sleep deprivation and heightened emotions are hardly likely to up your libido, no matter how much you're loving the newborn bubble.

But if you're feeling ready to reconnect physically with your partner, then try incorporating small moments of intimacy into your day, such as hugs, kisses, and hand-holding. These non-sexual gestures might help rekindle some romance later down the line.

For more relationship stories, one expert has revealed how a common habit could be key to improving your sex life, while a psychologist has shared how to stop your relationship from becoming ‘predictable and boring’. Elsewhere, here are five reasons why your partner might be picking fights for no reason.

An expert has warned that one common pastime could be ruining your relationship, calling it the 'lowest form of intimacy'. But not everyone is convinced...

Navigating a relationship after having a baby can be difficult - not only have your priorities changed, you have a lot less time for yourself, and there's also matresence and post-partum hormones to deal with too.

But as time goes on, putting in the work can help you find ways to connect with your partner after your kids have gone to bed and like being with your partner again. But a life coach has revealed that one of the most common things couples do together could be harming your relationship.

Jay Shetty is an author and entrepreneur who left his life in London to spend three years as a monk, and has now become a well-known figure in the self-help space, having written books including Think Like a Monk and 8 Rules of Love. Appearing on Steven Bartlett's Diary Of A CEO podcast, he shared his view that watching TV with your partner is the 'lowest form of intimacy' and should be avoided, for the sake of your relationship.

He said, "Most of us only do one thing with our partners: watching TV. And that is the lowest form of intimacy that you could possibly ask for with any human being. If you and I watch TV together for 200 hours a year, we would potentially be no closer than we were before."

Jay went on to say, "I have this pyramid of intimacy, and entertainment is on the lowest rung of the ladder, but that is what the majority of couples are doing. So if we're only watching TV together, I promise you, that relationship is not growing.

"It is actually falling apart slowly, and you have no idea. I know it is a painful truth to accept."

And if that sounds bleak, research has found that one popular genre of TV in particular could be harming your love life.

However, Jay's followers were not convinced by his point. After the author posted a clip from the podcast on Instagram, users flooded to the comments to share an opposing view.

One user said, "Jay, that’s all a lot [of] people have the energy [and] time to do after working a couple of jobs [and] looking after the kids all day". Another agreed with this stance, writing, "Many couples are working multiple jobs & don’t get but a few moments to spend together, and if that’s watching a favourite TV show that brings a glimmer of happiness to them or their kids, It’s not the worst thing in the world."

Meanwhile, others shared the reasons why they enjoy watching TV with their partner. One said in the comments, "I love that my partner and I can zonk out on the couch together and enjoy mindless TV post-dinner, just comfy with the other’s presence there… sometimes that is its own form of intimacy and deepens a connection."

Another added, "My husband and I are always watching things together so we can debate the things that happen, offer our takes on it, talk about how it makes us feel in these situations."

Meanwhile, Jay's view did resonate with some followers, as one user said, "If ALL you do as a couple is watch TV then yeah I can see your point. It's about balance."

But if you and your partner enjoy watching your favourite show on the sofa together after a long day of parenting, then we're not judging. Raising children is a huge task and it's ok if you both want to switch off for a few hours in the evening. Remember there are many markers of a happy and successful relationship (not just how much TV you watch together) - trust, respect and shared values are all equally important.

For more relationship stories, one expert has revealed how a common habit could be key to improving your sex life, while a psychologist has shared how to stop your relationship from becoming ‘predictable and boring’. Elsewhere, here are five reasons why your partner might be picking fights for no reason.

Fans of Friends and How I Met Your Mother might want to consider introducing some more romantic TV shows onto their watch list...

As many parents know, keeping the spark alive in a romatic relationship while juggling the demands of parenting is no easy task. After you've got the kids washed, dressed and fed there's not much time left for romance, so you're certainly not alone if you've been wondering why you've gone of sex and are looking for ways to connect with your partner after the kids have gone to bed.

But it's not just busy family life that stands in the way of a happy and healthy relationship - it turns out what you're watching on TV could be to blame too. We know that many mums and dads love to collapse on the sofa and watch a feel-good TV show after a long day of parenting, but it might be time to consider swapping out your series of choice for the sake of your love life.

That's because a study in the scienific journal Psychology of Popular Media Culture has suggested that people who watch sitcoms have a more cynical view of love and romance. So, if you're a fan of classics like Friends, How I Met Your Mother or The Big Bang Theory, this might spell bad news for your relationship.

In the study, University of Michigan researchers asked participants how regularly they watched sitcoms, rom-coms, and marriage-themed reality shows, and also how strongly they endorsed statements like "When you meet the right person, you know it almost immediately," or "My 'true love' will be nearly perfect."

While sitcom fans had a weak belief in romance, those who watched reality shows like The Bachelor or The Bachelorette tend to be more romantic and believe in the idea of true love.

The researchers suggest that TV can be influential on a person's belief system, and the reason for these differing views on love is because relationships on sitcoms rarely last and, when they do, they're far from perfect. While this might be more realistic than TV shows portraying whirlwind romances, your favourite series could become a self-fulling prophecy, as romantics tend to report happier relationships.

With that in mind, if you're partial to an episode of Friends after the kids have gone to bed, remember that romance is just one of many markers of a happy and successful relationship - trust, respect and shared values are all equally important.

In related news, a sexless marriage isn't destined for divorce - we talk to the experts about the most common reason couples stop having sex. Elsewhere, a maternal health expert has shared her top tips for a fulfilling sex life while breastfeeding and, if you feel like your relationship is stuck in a rut, a psychologist reveals how to stop your relationship becoming ‘predictable and boring’.

If your sex life has taken a hit recently, trying this 20-second trick could help boost physical intimacy.

As many parents will know, your sex life can change quite dramatically after you have kids. Between sleep deprivation, postpartum hormones and leaky or sensitive boobs thanks to breastfeeding, you're likely feeling as though you've gone off sex. And even when your baby gets older, busy family life means being physically intimate with your partner might remain low down on your list of priorities.

So, if you feel like you need to spice up your relationship, then you're not alone. But trying something new in the bedroom like tantric sex isn't the only way to do this -there are much simpler things you can do to improve your sex life.

Appearing on a recent episode of the Diary of a CEO podcast, doctors John and Julie Gottman - who have been married for 36 years and spent decades studying relationships - shared a few small things couples can do to improve their relationship. But there was one habit in particular that makes a difference to sex life.

Citing research published in the book The Normal Bar, Dr John said, "There are really about a dozen things that people do and have a great sex life - saying, 'I love you' every day and meaning it is one of them, giving compliments, romantic gifts, having a lot of touch, and cuddling."

And it turns out cuddling is key, as he went on to say, "Of the people who don't cuddle, only four per cent of them said they had a great sex life. Ninety six per cent of the non-cuddlers had an awful sex life. So touch is very important - even physical touch and affection in public was a big thing."

So, if you feel like your sex life has been neglected recently, try to take some time to cuddle, and you might notice the difference. Dr John Gottman recommended that twenty seconds is the optimal length of time for a hug, because this releases oxytocin, which makes you feel safe and connected psychologically.

This was found by a study in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine, in which almost 200 people (who were partners in couples that were living together) were given the very stressful task of public speaking. But before the task, half the group had the benefit of a 20-second hug from their partner, while the other half just rested quietly on their own. Both men and women in the hugging group showed lower stress levels.

Feeling safe and calm with your partner is key to improving sex life, particularly for women, as Dr John explained in the podcast. Speaking to host and entrepreneur Steven Bartlett, he said: "Men don't need to feel safe to feel sexual, women do. Women need to feel psychologically safe and that means emotional connection - it also means there can't be a long to-do list of things that they have to get done."

This might explain why you rarely feel in the mood for sex after having kids - because chances are your to-do list feels neverending. But as well as that 20-second hug, communicating your needs and explaining the mental load to your partner could help you feel more physically connected again.

If you're looking for more relationship advice, we spoke to a body language expert to find out how to tell if someone likes you. We've also rounded up 12 tell-tale signs that you're partner could be cheating, and found out the meaning behind popular wedding traditions.

If you feel like parenting leaves no room for spending quality time with your partner, try these expert-approved tips to bring you closer.

Maintaining a romantic relationship takes work, and that becomes harder when you've got children to look after. All that time spent getting kids dressed, bathed and fed doesn't leave much opportunity for a relationship check-in, so it's totally normal to feel disconnected from your partner after having a baby - perhaps you even feel like you've gone off sex.

But you don't need to find new ways to spice up a relationship to reignite that spark, sometimes it's the little things that can help you feel more connected to your partner. Relationship experts Jocelyn and Aaron Freeman know this - they are married with a daughter and have years of experience as sought-after relationship coaches.

The pair often share advice and tips for couples over on their Instagram, and recently they've revealed 10 ways they reconnect with each other after their child has gone to bed.

Writing in a video, the Freemans said: "After you've gotten the kiddos to bed, and the kitchen cleaned up, and the toys picked up, it can feel like you have hardly anything left for each other. But there are small ways you can connect and prioritise each other every day." And some of their suggestions are surprisingly simple...

10 ways to connect with your partner

1. Putting phones away in a completely different room by 7pm, to remove distractions and help you be present
2. Going to bed at the same time - and moving the TV out of the bedroom
3. Wake up at 5am to get some time to yourselves before the kids wake up (although this one's not always realistic for sleep-deprived parents!)
4. Doing 'date nights' during the day (if work allows it), like meeting up on your lunchbreaks
5. Ask each other a meaningful question every day
6. Form little rituals - Jocelyn says she makes tea for Aaron at night, while he makes a smoothie for her in the morning
7. End the work day and intentionally switch to family mode, with phones on silent and away from you
8. Kiss and hug in the morning
9. Have a weekly Family Meeting to help with communication
10. Do little things every day that are 'deposits' into each other’s 'Love Account'. These are small but meaningful things to remind each other that you’re loved, seen, wanted, and appreciated

Many of Jocelyn and Aaron's followers agreed with their suggestions. One said, "Love this. I'm convinced mobile phones/smart phones have contributed a great deal to relationship dysfunction and dissatisfaction."

Another parent said, "We’ve found that cleaning up after the kids go to bed is not as important as spending time together... Once the kids are down, we find something we both want to do and make time for it."

Of course, not all these tips are realistic for busy parents. Getting up at 5am, for example, is probably not going to happen if you've been up all night with a crying baby or a toddler who's had a nightmare. Try the smaller, more manageable tips instead - like asking your partner a question about their day, making sure to kiss goodbye before you leave for work or switching off your phone after the kids have gone to bed.

As the Freeman's said themselves, "Not all of these will work for every couple, but take what works and leave what doesn’t".

In related news, a sexless marriage isn't destined for divorce - we talk to the experts about the most common reason couples stop having sex. Elsewhere, a maternal health expert has shared her top tips for a fulfilling sex life while breastfeeding and, if you feel like your relationship is stuck in a rut, a psychologist reveals how to stop your relationship becoming ‘predictable and boring’.

If you want lasting love then it might be time to stop looking for your soulmate - research has found that the happiest couples are the ones that put the work in.

Marriages are hard work, especially when you're parents. They require communication, boundaries and organisation - and there's not always time for this in between the school runs, night feeds and all the other jobs that keep tiny humans alive. So, it's normal for you to feel disconnected from your partner after having a baby - and if you're wondering how to fix your marriage or how to spice up a relationship, then you're not alone.

But you'd be forgiven if you were expecting life to be all puppies and roses after getting married and having kids. After all, that's what the movies have taught us. In fact, A 2021 YouGov poll of nearly 15,000 adults found that 60 per cent of respondents believe in the idea of soulmates. But this 'soulmate thinking' can actually make it more difficult to form a loving and lasting marriage, new research has shown.

A study from the Wheatley Institute looked at 615 couples and found that couples who engage in proactive behaviours such as showing compassion to each other, spending meaningful time together, regularly engaging in acts of kindness, and participating in regular maintenance behaviours to improve their relationship were the most likely to flourish.

In fact, high-connection marriages have three times higher scores on proactive behaviours than low-connection couples, specifically in spending meaningful time together (71 per cent vs 19 per cent), doing acts of kindness for each other (72 per cent vs 18 per cent), and forgiving offences (70 per cent vs 21 per cent).

Meanwhile, spouses in high-connection marriages score twice as high as spouses in low-connection marriages on life satisfaction (63 per cent vs 27 per cent) and life meaning (60 per cent vs 30 per cent).

The data led the researchers to conclude that "Enduring connection in marriage results more from the intentional efforts of the spouses than it does from spontaneous love and emotional spark."

Jason Carroll, the Director of the Family Initiative at the Wheatley Institute and lead author of the report, said: "The problem with the soulmate model of marriage is that it provides a deeply flawed conception of how to achieve this aspiration. This is because soulmate beliefs tend to place relationship success outside of one’s agency or choices."

Meanwhile, Adam Galovan, a professor at the University of Alberta and a co-author of the report, said: "At their core, soulmate beliefs provide a backwards depiction of the proper sequence of healthy relationship development. Such beliefs suggest that someone exists as your One-and-Only before you have even met. However, the findings of our study illustrate that oneness in marriage is primarily made, not found."

In other words, rather than finding your soulmate, Galovan suggests finding someone that you like and get along with and seeing how the relationship develops rather than worrying about finding 'the One'. Then, once both partners have committed to the relationship, he says, "They should put effort into building a ‘soulmate’ relationship with the person they’ve committed to".

And if you're in need of pointers that will help you put aside 'soulmate thinking', the researchers have offered five solutions:

1. Avoiding a consumer approach to relationships: This refers to staying in a relationship that might not be right until you feel someone better has come along.
2. Fostering realistic expectations about relationships: Don't expect your partner to be the source of all your happiness and the solution to all your problems - shifting your mindset can lead to a happier relationship.
3. Developing a mature understanding of love: A healthy, secure, and stable relationship is one where both individuals have a deep, emotionally intimate connection - not one that depends solely on big romantic gestures.
4. Following healthy dating trajectories: A healthy relationship takes time and effort to grow - it doesn't move too fast but it also doesn't slow down and become stagnant.
5. Maintaining optimism while resolving break-up: 'Soulmate thinking' can make break-ups feel even harder, but it's important to remain positive.

In related news, if you're feeling like you've gone off sex or struggle to connect with your other half, find out how explaining the mental load to your partner can help. Elsewhere, here are five signs you're parenting your partner.

A psychologist who specialises in relationships has revealed how to avoid long-term partnerships becoming ‘predictable and boring’ - and it's more simple than you might think. 

For many people in long-term relationships, reliability is big thing. It's reassuring to have someone you know you can fall back on, someone who you know will be at home when you return, someone who you can trust to split the rent and bills with. But reliability and predictability are two different things, and the latter isn't what we always really want in a partner. 

The feeling of falling in love with someone, those honeymoon first couple of months, is unparalleled. But, quickly, relationships can become 'routine and predictable' as you fall into life together, perhaps having to try 'scheduling sex' to fit it into your days or weeks. 

So you might try going out on date nights to create excitement, though this ignores the two most important things that keep intimacy alive, or you could spend some time figuring out how to spice up your relationship or you might even start questioning if you are actually 'in love'. But before you jump the gun, psychologist Limor Gottlieb, believes she has the answer to the ultimate question; how can you avoid your relationship becoming ‘predictable and boring’?

"Over time, relationships can become routine and predictable, leading to boredom and complacency," she told Hello! Magazine. "Research shows that couples who feel stuck in a rut are more likely to experience distress and dissatisfaction in their relationship over time."

So what can couples do? Gottlieb wants them to 'prioritise novelty'.

She explains, "Novelty refers to introducing new and exciting experiences, activities and elements into the relationship regularly. Novelty plays a significant role in keeping the relationship fresh, exciting and vibrant.

"Introducing novelty injects an element of surprise and excitement, which helps couples maintain their passion and intimacy as it keeps both partners engaged and interested in each other."

Novelty can look different from couple to couple. For some it could mean trying out new activities together, like cold water swimming. For others, it could include travel, whether that's renting out one of the many Airbnb properties on the Greek island of Paros to get all the 'One Day' vibes or it's jetting off to one of the most popular holiday destinations kids want to visit. 

Novelty doesn't have to be a big thing like that though, the expert shares. Instead, couples can find novelty in the everyday by finding ways to surprise each other with thoughtful gestures like gifting the other both the time and products for some self care, or by 'trying new things in the bedroom' like tantric sex. 

The most important part about bringing in novelty is to keep communication open. As Gottlieb says, "Discuss your interests and ideas openly to ensure you both feel engaged and excited about incorporating novelty into your relationship. It’s important to regularly reflect on your relationship and discuss ways to keep it exciting and fulfilling. By prioritising new experiences and embracing spontaneity, your relationship will not only survive, but thrive."

5 ways to introduce novelty into your relationship

To make introducing novelty into your relationship a little easier, Gottlieb has five tips to get you started.

• 1. "Explore activities neither of you have tried before. This could include anything from cooking classes to dance lessons or hiking," she says. "The key is to step out of your comfort zones and try something new together."
• 2. "Plan trips to destinations you've never visited before. Whether it's a weekend getaway to a nearby town or a more extensive adventure to a different country, traveling together can create lasting memories and strengthen the bond between partners."
• 3. "Surprise your partner with unexpected gestures or gifts. It could be as simple as preparing their favourite meal or arranging a spontaneous date night."
  She adds, "Surprises keep the relationship exciting and show your partner that you care and are thinking about them. Surprise your partner with thoughtful gestures, small gifts, or spontaneous acts of kindness to keep the relationship fresh and exciting."
• 4. "Establishing unique traditions or rituals can add a sense of novelty to your relationship. Rituals and traditions, such as weekly date nights, monthly adventures, or a yearly getaway to celebrate your anniversary, promote bonding and boost your connection."
• 5. "Break out of your routine by trying new restaurants, attending events and shows, exploring different areas in your town, or simply changing up your weekend activities. By changing things up you will have new experiences and topics to discuss, which will enhance your connection."

Keep up to date with more wellbeing news such as how many of these 5 phrases do you and your partner use? They're a green flag for a strong relationship and if you got married at this age, research suggests you're less likely to get divorced - but it turns out age isn't one of the top reasons marriages end. 

A sex expert has shared why she thinks scheduling sex might not give your sex life the boost you're looking for. Here's what she suggests instead...

If you're a parent, then you'll know that after dinnertime, bathtime and bedtime (and possibly a tantrum or two in between), often the last thing you feel like doing is having sex. Parenting is so demanding, it's no wonder that half of British parents are too tired to have sex (and if you're feeling like you've gone off sex altogether, trust us, you're not alone).

But even though your children take priority over your sex life, it's important to still make some time to work on your relationship and check in with your partner. If you've tried ways to spice up your relationship and that still proves to be too demanding, you might have decided to schedule sex instead. It might not scream passion, but it gives you the opportunity to get yourself in the mood, you know that you'll both have a clear schedule, and you can have a conversation in advance with your partner about what you might want from your time together.

But despite the benefits, clinical psychologist and sex expert Dr Karen Gurney (aka The Sex Doctor) has explained why couples should "never, ever schedule sex". Appearing on The Diary of a CEO podcast, hosted by entrepreneur Steven Bartlett, Dr Gurney explained, "It's one of our sexual scripts that spontaneous sex is better, and I don't necessarily agree with that, but I do agree with the idea that scheduling sex just creates pressure for everyone."

Explaining her stance further, she said: "How can you, in advance, agree to something that you don't know if you're gonna feel like when you get there? And all that does is create pressure."

However, Dr Gurney doesn't expect busy parents to make every moment of physical intimacy spontaneous - quite the opposite, in fact. She explains, "What you should do in today's day and age is schedule physical intimacy, schedule some type of sexual currency, because we're so busy [that] if you don't do that, when is it going to happen?"

Host Steven then raised the point that "If you're parents and you get one date night a week, we all know when we need to make this thing happen. So it becomes scheduling sex, because you're scheduling date night once a week."

In response, Dr Gurney explains there are two approaches you can take to your sex life: you don't initiate sex very often and wait until date night - when the pressure is high - which she describes as "the worst set of circumstances" for great sex. Or, the other option is to try your best to schedule brief moments of physical intimacy that could potentially lead to sex.

Explaining why the second option is better, Dr Gurney uses the example of having a bath together. She says, "You're right that you may start to build up an expectation that every time we say we'll have a bath together, we end up having sex. But when you invite someone into the bath, you are inviting them into the bath - you're not inviting them [by] saying 'Let's have a bath and have sex afterwards'."

She adds, "The fact that you both know where the bath might lead is fine, because it allows you to get into that headspace of 'I hadn't thought about sex tonight, but the bath might lead to sex, so let me get into a sexual headspace for a minute'."

But with a word of warning, Dr Gurney says, "The problem comes when you say to [your partner] afterwards, 'You said you wanted a bath and we've not had sex.' Well that wasn't what you invited them into, you invited them into the bath. You have to be ok if it doesn't lead to that."

Calling it a "scatter gun" approach, Dr Gurney explains that if you initiate these things often, more of these instances will likely lead to sex, in comparison to hoping that one occasion of high pressure will lead that way.

But remember, there is no right or wrong way to navigate your sex life, especially after having kids. You'll need to find a new groove, maybe a way to feel desirable again, and there are so many more variables to consider. All couples are different, so make sure to do what works for you - some swear by scheduling sex and that's totally fine!

Meanwhile, if you're a parent of young children and are looking for more ways to keep sexual satisfaction high while juggling busy family life, Dr Karen Gurney's book, How Not to Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life, could help. Coming out in April 2024, it's now available to pre-order.

• How Not to Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life - £15.63 | Amazon

Looking for something new to try in bed that will help you connect with your partner? Here's everything to know about tantric sex. Meanwhile, we've asked the experts for the most common reasons couples stop having sex (and trust us, you're not alone) as well as five tips to help you like being with your partner again.

Research has shown the best age to get married for the lowest chance of divorce - but we've shared the 10 most common reasons why marriages end (and the age you tie the knot isn't one of them).

Raising children while trying to keep the spark alive in a marriage isn't always easy. Between kids' tantrums and tummy aches, and alongside the school run and bathtime, there's not much time left to work on your relationship. It's no wonder that divorce after a baby is not uncommon and some new parents might feel they're in a sexless marriage.

Knowing how to fix your marriage is not easy, but with the right help and support and by working on your communication, it is possible. But while there are so many factors that contribute to the end of a relationship, research has suggested that the age you tie the knot could have something to do with it.

Psychotherapist and author Lori Gottlieb recently appeared on The Diary of a CEO podcast, where she revealed the best age to get married if you want to avoid divorce.

Citing research by The Institute for Family Studies, podcast host Steven Bartlett said: "Someone who marries at 25 is over 50 per cent less likely to get divorced than someone who weds at age 20."

He added: "Some of the studies I was looking at show that if you get married after 30, each additional year of age [before marriage] increases your chance of divorce by 5%."

Explaining the findings of the study, Lori said that while marrying too young might mean "you don’t have the skills and you’re not established in your own life" and that you might not have the necessary maturity to be married, when you get older "you are more set in your ways, you are more rigid, you have different expectations". She added, "When you are younger you are more flexible."

Lori continued: "We get less open-minded as we get older around relationships. We also have a history as we get older, we have more negative experiences of maybe being broken up with. Relationships that didn’t work out then inform the way that we behave in other relationships."

Instead, Lori said that mid to late 20s are the 'optimal time' to tie the knot. She explained: "You have a better sense of who you are, you know more of what you want and you can grow together as a couple.

"You are going to have more shared experiences and you are going to know more about each other. Your parents are probably still alive on each side, you can get to know siblings, [you can be] more integrated into each other’s lives."

The study cited in the podcast analysed data collected by the National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG), and found that prior to age 32, each additional year of age at marriage reduces the odds of divorce by 11 per cent. However, after 32 the odds of divorce increase by five per cent per year.

Of course, there are so many other factors that contribute to the end of a relationship. Forbes Advisor commissioned a survey of 1,000 divorcees to find out why marriages fail and found that lack of family support, infidelity and lack of compatibility were the top three factors that contributed to the decision.

10 leading causes of divorce

1. Lack of family support
2. Infidelity or extramarital affairs
3. Lack of compatibility
4. Lack of intimacy
5. Too much conflict/arguing
6. Financial stress
7. Lack of commitment
8. Parenting differences
9. Marrying too young
10. Opposing values or morals

If Lori and Steven's conversation has got you worried about the age you reached the altar, don't panic - nobody knows when you're ready to get married better than you. If you're in a healthy relationship with shared goals, there's no reason why your marriage shouldn't last as long as someone who tied the knot at a different age.

In related news, we've revealed four early signs of divorce and asked the experts how to talk to kids about divorce. Meanwhile, our Deputy Editor has shared 10 things she's learned about love after 25 years of marriage.

If you're looking for a simple way to strengthen your relationship, incorporating these five phrases into day-to-day life could help.

Raising kids while maintaining a romantic relationship isn't easy, and it's normal if you feel a bit disconnected from your partner while you both focus on looking after an entire human being. But it turns out you don't need more date nights to spice up your relationship - the things happy couples do are actually much simpler than that, and easier to fit into your daily routine.

Simple phrases that show appreciation for your partner and make it clear that you've got their back might be all you need to keep that flame burning - especially if you've both been feeling the pressure recently. Plus, they're some of the things that kids love to hear their parents say to each other too. We've shared five ideas below...

5 phrases that show you're in a strong relationship

1. "Thank you"

Psychologists John and Julie Gottman have studied more than 40,000 couples to identify the secrets to long-lasting relationships, and the pair are world-renowned for their work on marital stability, divorce prediction and parenting issues. They explained to CNBC that "a thriving relationship requires an enthusiastic culture of appreciation" - and that this is especially true for small, everyday acts.

"Tell them why that small thing is a big deal to you: 'Thank you for making the coffee every morning. I love waking up to the smell of it and the sounds of you in the kitchen. It just makes me start the day off right,'" John and Julie suggest.

2. "Help me understand this"

It turns out that you don't need to avoid conflict altogether to be in a healthy relationship, you just need to know how to navigate it. That's according to Harvard psychologist Dr Cortney Warren, who told CNBC, "If your partner reacts to a situation in a way that you don’t understand, telling them that you want to know them better is key to resolving conflict and bonding at a deeper level."

3. "I can forgive you. Can you forgive me?"

Parenting is a lot of pressure and it can lead to arguments between couples, but knowing how to ask for and express forgiveness during the heat of an argument or after one is important. It might feel like you or your partner are picking fights for no reason, and working out how to break that cycle can help.

In fact, studies published in the Journal of Family Psychology have found a link between forgiveness and relationship satisfaction, suggesting that couples who practice forgiveness are more likely to enjoy healthier long-term relationships.

4. "I am committed to you"

Remember that being in a relationship is a choice, and communicating that you are making a conscious decision to do life with your partner can help them feel appreciated and secure.

Dr Warren explained, "Reassuring your partner that you’re still choosing to be with them and to work through challenges will help create a sense of safety and stability."

5. "I like you"

"The healthiest couples don’t just love each other, they like each other, too," Dr Warren says. She adds that alongside the intense feeling of affection that comes with being in love, "liking is about seeing them for who they are and acknowledging the attributes you enjoy about them".

And we get it, the stress of parenting and constantly having to explain the mental load might sometimes make you feel as if you don't like your partner as much as you used to. Fortunately, we previously asked maternal health expert Clio Wood to share her advice - check out her five expert tips to help you like being with your partner again.

For more relationship advice, here are six questions to ask your partner for a relationship check in and one relationship expert has shared three psychological ways to know you're in love. John and Julie Gottman have also explained why you need to think of love as 'a nutritionally balanced diet' in order to make your relationship last.

A relationship therapist has shared their 'unpopular' opinion that date nights are not what couples should be focusing on to keep their intimacy alive. Instead, they should rely on 'tiny, insignificant' moments to keep them close. 

It's easy to get caught up in all the social media trends promising to improve your relationship, like the viral quiz that promises to prove if your partner really is 'the one', and it's even easier to compare your relationship to those you see online. Your friends and favourite celebrities are jetting off on couple's holidays or filling their weeks with date nights, prompting you to do the same. But, according to one relationship expert, you might not want to jump on the bandwagon. 

It's often the go-to fix when you're trying to figure out how to spice up your relationship or figure out if you are actually 'in love'; you plan some exciting date nights to look forward to. But relationship therapist Maria G. Sosa, known as HolisticallyGrace on Instagram, says you don't actually need more date nights. Instead, there's two far more important things to focus on when you want to keep intimacy alive. 

"Unpopular opinion," she wrote on Instagram; "You don't need more date nights. We've been taught that frequent date nights are the gold standard for a good relationship. Except they don't take into consideration the quality of the connection or level of intimacy between partners." 

So what does consider the quality of connection and level of intimacy between couples, the two things Sosa believes are the most important elements of a relationship that keep intimacy alive? According to Sosa, it's 'the hundreds of tiny, almost 'insignificant' moments' in which 'we turn towards or away' from our partners.

So what does she mean exactly? It's quite simple. Instead of scheduling a date night during which your partner has your undivided attention for a few hours, give them that attention as often as you can in those small moments you can carve out everyday. 

She explains, "[Intimacy] is in sitting at the kitchen table, sharing a coffee, no phones. [In] going for a walk, listening to the same podcast and asking each other, 'What did you think about that?' [In] being creative, building, fixing, making something.'

She also finds intimacy in, "Having hard 'elephant in the room' conversations. Playful touch (without expecting sex). Taking interest in each other's interests as authentically as we can. Speaking each other's love language."

Still, Sosa doesn't think date nights are a complete waste of time. "Date nights are great, a break from the routine," she said. "But if we're not intentionally dating and continuously learning our person, we're just having an accompanied meal. And that's not the same thing as intimacy." 

In other relationship news, did you know that divorce after a baby is more common than many people think? We've also explored why these four behaviours can spell disaster for any relationship as well as detailing the five signs you're parenting your partner. 

There are lots of signs you're parenting your partner - we've asked a relationship expert to break down five of them.

It's hard enough parenting the kids, without having to take responsibility for your partner as well. But, if you're constantly having to organise their life and ask them to do basic tasks, or if you constantly correct them or pick up after them, you might be in this position. It can put a huge strain on romantic relationships and might leave you wondering how to fix your marriage or why you've gone off sex - even if you feel you've done everything you can to spice up your relationship.

We've spoken to relationship psychologist and founder of Love Evolved Dr Limor Gottlieb, to find out about some of the key signs that you're parenting your partner. If her five red flags ring true for your relationship, then it might be time to sit down and have a talk about how you both feel about the current relationship dynamic.

5 signs that you're parenting your partner

1. You make decisions for them. You find yourself often making decisions on behalf of your partner without consulting them or considering their input - this can range from small daily choices to significant life decisions. 
2. You take on responsibilities. You find yourself often managing tasks and responsibilities that your partner should be handling themselves - this can include handling their finances, managing household chores, or organising their schedule. 
3. You give unsolicited advice. You have a habit of giving your partner advice or instructions about how they should live their life without them asking for it. This can come across as patronising and can ultimately result in your partner feeling undervalued and incompetent. 
4. You micromanage their behaviour. You often monitor and critique your partner’s behaviour in a way that feels controlling or overly critical. This could involve commenting on their habits, appearance or interactions with others. This may stem from your need to control and mould them into your ideal image.
5. You feel responsible for their well-being to the point where you prioritise their needs above your own. This can lead you to feel burned out and resenting your partner when they don’t show appreciation for your effort.

If you notice these five things about yourself, it doesn't spell the end of your relationship - have an honest, non-judgmental conversation with your partner about it. Make sure you both give each other the space to say how you feel openly while the other one listens, and try to set a goal or come to an agreement about how you plan to move forward.

If you're aware that you're parenting your partner but still feel unable to change this, your relationship might benefit from seeking professional help. You could visit Counselling Directory to find a relationship therapist who might work for you and your partner's needs.

In other relationship news, a psychologist has revealed the top argumentative phrase that will 'destroy' any relationship, and here are five reasons why your partner is picking fights for what feels like no reason. Elsewhere, a relationship expert has shared three ways to know whether you are actually 'in love'.

A psychologist has revealed the most damaging insults couples often use in arguments and shared the number one phrase that will ‘destroy’ any relationship. 

Unfortunately, Many of us know what it's like to be in an unhealthy relationship. But more often than not, we don't know exactly why it's so unhealthy in the first place. Sometimes our relationship issues can be fixed with tips and tricks to spice up your relationship, but other times it feels as though it's the right time to walk away. 

Well, according to Dr. Cortney S. Warren, PhD, a board-certified psychologist and author of Letting Go of Your Ex, most unhealthy relationships are fuelled by poor communication skills - and one type of communication in particular is more unhealthy than others. 

"As a Harvard-trained psychologist who has spent 20 years working with couples, I’ve found that the most damaging way to communicate with your partner is with contempt," she told CNBC. 

"Contempt is the belief that a person is beneath you, worthless, or deserving of scorn and ridicule. When someone feels contempt for their partner, they feel justified in humiliating, embarrassing, or hurting them."

The worst phrase for showing off this contempt, that is bound to destroy any relationship, is “I wish we’d never met,” says Dr Warren. She also highlights the phrases, "You’ve ruined my life. You’re a nuisance. I don’t care about what you think or how you feel. You’re pathetic. You’re not worth my time. You owe me. I’ve put up with you for years. If we didn’t have kids, I would have left you by now. You disgust me. No one else would want you.” 

If any of those are make a regular appearance in arguments you have with your partner, or they're insinuated through dramatic non-verbal gestures such as eye-rolls, the expert says, "It can ultimately ruin the foundation of a healthy romantic connection and lead to lower relationship satisfaction."

So what's to be done? "If you find that you feel some contempt for your partner, there are ways to fight it so that it doesn’t hurt your relationship," promises Dr Warren. "The biggest piece of advice I give to people is to try to find gratitude. There is always something to be learned from discord in our relationships. Look for something positive that you can take away from every interaction, even if the process is unsettling."

In more practical terms, she recommends to learn how to argue 'productively.' 

"When you’re feeling triggered or emotionally upset, take a moment before you say anything. Choose your words carefully and aim to communicate with respect and kindness, not harm. Take responsibility. This includes acknowledging your choices, your patterns, and your engagement in dysfunction. Sincerely say you’re sorry when you do something hurtful or mean-spirited.

"Learn to argue productively. You and your partner are a team. The goal is to communicate in ways that acknowledge your commitment, desire to connect, and mutual respect for one another. Tap into your love for your partner. When you want to criticise or change them, remember why you got together in the first place before giving constructive feedback."

Get more relationship advice from our family news homepage, with articles like 6 phrases for de-escalating conflict in your relationship, explained by psychologists, and boundaries in relationships; having them is more important than our parents ever realised, here’s how we can set them and keep them, as well as these 4 behaviours can spell disaster for any relationship.

Are you thinking about exploring the benefits of an open marriage? While the practice isn’t mainstream, there’s a growing sense of interest in non-monogamous relationships.

Some people embark on open marriages because they’re not having enough sex in their own relationship, feel disconnected from their partner or simply want to spice things up in the bedroom. Others find it enriches their relationship with their main partner because they can fully explore intimacy with no boundaries.

If you’re thinking of opening up your marriage to more romantic and sexual liaisons, you’re not alone. While just 2 per cent of Brits aged 25 to 49 are currently in an open relationship, around 12 per cent of us are open to exploring the possibility, according to research by YouGov.

However, relationship psychotherapist and non-monogamy coach Paige Bond has a word of caution when it comes to telling your children. “Parents should be on the same page of how much information they want to tell their children and when to tell them.”

Below, we take a non-judgemental look at open marriage, including the pros and cons. Plus, where to go next if you’re still curious…

What is an open marriage? 

An open marriage or relationship is an arrangement where you and your partner agree to allow romantic or sexual relationships or encounters with other people.

They’re more common than you think, and appear to be getting more popular. In 2022, the BBC reported a ‘growing interest’ in open relationships, with experts suggesting that the COVID pandemic persuaded many to pause and identify what they really wanted from their relationships.

Open marriages often get portrayed in exaggerated ways in movies and TV, making them seem more ill-fated or unstable than real-life open marriages tend to be. Often, the lines between an open marriage tend to be blurred with other forms of non-monogamy like swinging or having secret affairs.

In fact, a study conducted in 2020 for a psychology journal found that couples in open relationships were just as happy as those in monogamous relationships. As an added boost, they also experienced significant increases in sexual satisfaction.

Of course, there are other ways you and your partner can explore having sexual or romantic encounters outside your marriage. These include:

• Swinging (recreational sex with other couples only);
• Engaging the services of sex workers, where it is legal to do so (the exchange of sexual services for money is currently legal in the UK, with the exception of Northern Ireland – and certain practices are prohibited);
• Sharing a partner between you.

Whatever you decide to do, take it slow and keep the lines of communication open. Set ground rules and boundaries so that neither of you feels insecure or threatened.

What are the benefits of an open marriage?

According to US relationship website The Couples Center, some potential benefits couples say they get from their open marriage include:

• Increased intimacy;
• More honesty and trust in each other;
• A sense of excitement and anticipation;
• Significantly more sexual fulfilment;
• Greater appreciation for each other;
• Less jealousy;
• Less pressure to fulfil each other’s needs.

What are the cons of an open marriage?

Not every relationship is built for the unique challenges of being romantically or sexually open. There are various pitfalls to having an open marriage, including:

• Increased jealousy, insecurity and anxiety;
• Higher risk of sexually transmitted diseases;
• A need to negotiate complex relationship rules;
• Judgement from friends, family or society;
• Practical implications, such as time management and finances.

What to do if you're curious about exploring an open marriage

If you're curious about opening up your marriage, proceed slowly and cautiously - this lifestyle isn't for everyone.

Start by reading books and articles to educate yourself on the different forms of ethical non-monogamy. Then, have open and honest conversations with your partner about any fantasies or desires to explore new relationships.

Relationship psychotherapist and non-monogamy coach Paige Bond suggests that you and your partner consider these questions before embarking on an open relationship:

1. How might opening up our marriage impact our children, and how can we minimise any potential negative effects and maximise the positive ones?
2. Have we considered the potential challenges our children may face, and how can we support them through this process?
3. How prepared are we to address questions or concerns from our children regarding changes in our relationship?
4. How will we manage our time to ensure that both our primary relationship and any additional connections receive adequate attention?
5. Have we discussed how to handle scheduling and time commitments to maintain balance and fairness?
6. What plans do we have in place for childcare during times when one partner may be on a date or spending time with another partner?

Sex and couples therapist Kaylee Rose Friedman agrees that kids throw more emotional and practical concerns into the mix.

“When it comes to couples with children, there is much to consider around how interconnected you'd like to be with future partners,” says Friedman.

“Some couples are interested in swinging and having sexual experiences only with others, while others would like to move into a more polyamorous space, having full romantic and committed relationships with multiple people.

"Knowing this might shape how you'd like to navigate what you share with the kids and when, what boundaries you might need, and give you a better idea of how to move forward.”

If you both feel you’re ready, there are plenty of sites and dating apps that are designed specifically for open relationships to slowly start testing the waters. Try openrelationship.com or polyamoryuk.co.uk to meet people of a similar mind or find out more about open relationships.

Check back in with each other frequently and keep communicating, and be prepared to stop if either of you feels unsure. The key is moving through this process together.

Get more relationship advice and tips, from how to fix your marriage while raising kids (without therapy) to how to make your relationship last, according to science. Plus, 6 phrases for de-escalating conflict in your relationship.

It’s normal to have some disagreements in a relationship, but if you're finding that the bickering between you and your partner is pretty constant as of late, that’s just plain stressful and not good for either of you. 

The on-off fighting loop between couples might prompt a relationship check-in to make sure you’re still on the same page or if you’re finding that the six small things that happy couples do aren’t factoring into your day-to-day relationship, you might think that there’s no way back. If this sounds familiar, we totally sympathise, as it can be wearing and dejecting when you’re constantly butting heads with your partner.

Michelle Elman, a boundaries and relationship expert, and author of The Selfish Romantic: How To Date Without Feeling Bad About Yourself, says by learning the tools to help diffuse arguments, you'll give your relationship the space it needs to heal: "When you're in a relationship, it’s inevitable that conflict will occur, but you have to be careful that conflict isn't constant, as continuous bickering can lead to a breakdown of trust and communication. Instead, we need to allow time between the ruptures to repair, and so if you can deescalate arguments, your relationship will benefit."

5 reasons why your partner is picking fights for what feels like no reason

When you’re stuck in constant fights with your partner, it might seem like arguing is just bound to happen – and you may even start to resent the person you’re with. Don’t panic, as Michelle has shared her tips for how to steer clear of these shutdowns in a relationship but first, let’s dive into why your partner might be picking fights seemingly out of the blue.

1. Tit for tat

The give-and-take approach of going tit for tat is where one person’s actions, whether positive or negative, prompts a comparable response from the other, leading to a cycle of retaliation when it’s the latter. Sometimes, people pick fights to even the score, Michelle says, and describes a familiar scenario: “If you have complaints about me and my behaviour and I don't want to address that, picking a fight can serve as a great distraction to not take accountability for my actions and instead move the conversation onto your behaviour instead.” In practical terms, using this tactic leaves both sides without a resolution, making the argument feel like it’s dragging on endlessly, if you’re unable to deal with one issue at a time, she adds. 

2. Your upbringing

We know that childhood memories can shape who we are, so if you come from a family where having to fight for attention was normal, you’re more likely to bring that baggage to your relationship. Michelle explains: “If you were brought up in a household where the loudest person or the most disruptive person gets the most attention, you quickly learn that if you want to feel seen and heard, then a fight is the way to do it." This will continue into adulthood and your romantic relationships if you don't recognise this behaviour, she warns.

3. Confusing intimacy

Past relationships also have an affect – and some people might misinterpret the heightened emotions and passion that come with arguments as a form of connection. “If you have had a number of romantic relationships where fights were the only time you had a conversation, it can be really easy to confuse that as intimacy,” Michelle points out. “Therefore, when you would like more intimacy in your relationship, it also works the other way around. In order to change the dynamic, you need to recognise this pattern and instead ask for the intimacy you crave.”

4. Something sits underneath it

It’s common to pick a fight over the really small things, like your partner leaving the washing up to you again or having to deal with the mental load of the relationship on your own. Michelle says there’s probably something deeper going on underneath: “The larger issue can seem more scary and daunting to address, but the feelings surrounding that topic tend to manifest into small niggles and bickering until you're both ready to talk about what the problem really is.”

5. You want to break up

Anyone who’s come to the decision that it’s time to end a relationship will know that it’s an extremely difficult conversation to have, especially if you’ve been together for a long time. “When we don’t feel valid enough in our reason to break up, starting a fight can seem like the easier way to create a get-out plan,” explains Michelle. “It's a way that we unconsciously boost our validation around the fact that we’re making the right decision, when the reality is, they can still be a good person and there doesn't need to be anything particularly ‘wrong’ for them to not be a right match.”

How to improve communication and trust in your relationship

There are so many ways to improve communication and trust in a relationship, such as being consistently transparent with your partner, actively listening to understand their perspective and knowing when to apologise and forgive. “One of the best ways to improve communication and trust is to start off with the basis of the benefit of the doubt,” Michelle suggests. “If you’ve known someone for a while and chosen to be in a relationship with them, they deserve a little grace, and when you enter conversations, if you are able to do it, assuming the best, then it can start the conversation off in a more productive way. 

“When it comes to trust, this is a slow builder and takes conscious action in order to improve over time and it's not always the big stuff. It can be the small throwaway comments that can deteriorate a relationship if you keep going back on your word, so within relationships, it’s so important to say what you mean and mean what you say.”

So, now we know the real reasons behind why your partner might be picking fights for what seems like no reason at all, remember that relationships wane in strength and stability, and they require continuous improvement. By being open to learning and adapting, as relationships evolve, ensuring ongoing growth and connection.

In other wellbeing news, these 4 behaviours can spell disaster for any relationship (and we're all guilty of #3) – here’s how to combat them and does your relationship past the Beckham test? Ask your partner the questions doing the rounds on TikTok right now.

We asked a relationship expert for her tips on dealing with single-shaming as a parent. Here's what she said...

Raising a human is a mammoth task that requires endless plate spinning that even nuclear families can feel overwhelmed by, let alone those who are single parents. As well as nappy changes, school runs and everything else you need to think about for your children, there are co-parenting boundaries and childcare arrangements to consider too. We know it can be tough, but you're not alone. Divorce after a baby is more common than you might think, and government figures suggest there are around 2.3 million separated families in the UK.

But while some worry about the effect separated parents might have on their children, it can be tough on the adults involved too. Because even if you're a parent who found the right time to walk away from a relationship and you've embraced your new life with open arms, chances are you know what it's like to be single-shamed.

Single shaming comes from the idea that being in a relationship is superior to being alone, and the assumption that anyone who isn't in one must be actively looking. It can be well-meaning (we all have a relative who loves to say "there's plenty of fish in the sea"), but when you're raising kids all on your own and it's being implied that you're still not good enough, single-shaming can be tough to deal with. (And, by the way, you ARE good enough.)

With Valentine's Day on the horizon, we've spoken to Kate Daly, relationship counsellor and co-founder of amicable, who shared her tips on dealing with being single-shamed as a parent. Kate said: "Being a single parent is hard enough without other people’s negative opinions, but the only way to combat this issue is through education and acceptance by others. I know first-hand how tricky it can be, especially when you feel deep-rooted shame about your situation." Here are Kate's tips for dealing with being single-shamed as a parent...

5 tips for dealing with being single-shamed as a parent

1. Re-frame negative thoughts

Shame is an emotion often linked to feelings of unworthiness and failure, and it's not uncommon for single parents to be made to feel this way by a society that favours monogamy.

"A way of combating shame as a single parent is reframing any negative thoughts," explains Kate. "Start by acknowledging your thoughts and then practice challenging them. Is the thought based on fact, your perception, or a mixture of both? If it’s based on a fact, ask yourself if it’s something that you have the power to change or fix. If you don’t, then ask yourself why you are dwelling on it and, instead, try to reframe how you feel about it and accept it."

2. Find your support network

If you are a single parent, it’s important to build a community of like-minded people who will be able to support you in a positive and helpful way. If you think people are shaming you, it can be helpful to speak to close friends and family to air your thoughts. After all, a problem shared is a problem halved!

Kate tells us, "You can find support networks in a variety of ways: through charities, such as Gingerbread, or community platforms such as Frolo, and social media support groups. It is, however, important to be cautious of certain negative spaces within groups and pages on social media, where there are extreme views and voices, as these are likely to polarise single parenthood in society."

She adds, "Another way to feel part of a supportive community is by listening to podcasts and reading blogs from other solo parents."

3. Don't compare yourself to other families

As tempting as it might be, don’t compare yourself and your family to others. Kate says, "This will only lead to negative feelings such as shame, guilt or perhaps jealousy. Your family is unique and special in its own way.

"As easy as it might be to think that the grass is greener, this isn’t usually the case. You never know what others are going through, and whilst you may experience some obstacles in your solo parenting journey, you will also experience many positives." 

Instead of dwelling on things you can’t change and comparing yourself to other families, focus on what you have and what you are able to do. If you have certain lifestyle aspirations, try setting realistic and manageable goals. As Kate says, "It’s unlikely your children will remember the material things in the future, but rather the experiences they had with you and the love you showed them."

4. Set boundaries

If you think someone is shaming you, remind yourself it’s their issue and not yours. Kate advises, "Keep doing you and if anyone is impacting your well-being, don’t be scared to distance yourself from them to cut out unnecessary negativity. You can’t change how they feel, but you can change how you respond and how you let it impact you."

Explain to people close to you that teasing and commenting on your single status makes you uncomfortable, and that you'll remove yourself from the situation. It's worth remembering that these comments may not be out of malice, meaning people will stop making them once they realise it upsets you.

5. Teach your children resilience

"As a single parent, you have a unique opportunity to teach your children the value of resilience," Kate tells us. "Emphasize to them that the quality of relationships, rather than the quantity, truly matters. By openly discussing this and guiding them in understanding and managing their emotions, you equip them with essential skills to handle life's challenges."

By raising children as a single parent, you're modelling resilience to your kids every day, and that's something to be proud of. Hopefully, when your kids are old enough to understand, they'll be proud of you too.

In other news, a psychotherapist shared five co-parenting tips for divorced parents. Meanwhile, we talked to women who regret their divorce and asked the experts about the rules for taking your kids on holiday after a divorce.

If you’ve ever pondered whether your relationship might be better without your kids, you’re not alone. Many couples struggle with the stresses kids can put on their partnership. But, is putting your partner before your kids the right thing to do to save your relationship?

Feeling disconnected after having a baby and letting the spark die in your sex life can make you and your partner wonder if divorce is on the horizon. Don’t worry, we’ve got tips to strengthen your bond while raising a family and help you both find a balance between your love life and your parenting responsibilities.

In this article, we talk to relationship experts to explore whether prioritising your partner over your children is advisable or healthy for families and whether it’s possible to balance both.

 How to fix a marriage while raising kids 

We all know how a fractious, unhappy relationship can affect our children. But can children affect our own relationship with our partner? Research tells us that having kids has a huge influence on our marital relationships, both positive and negative. For example, couples with children, particularly young kids, are according to studies less likely to divorce. On the other hand, having kids can seriously affect your sex life, with a third of new mums reporting reduced sexual satisfaction in the first year after becoming a parent. In fact, a recent study reveals that almost half of British parents (48 percent) say that feeling exhausted from parenting responsibilities has made maintaining their sex lives harder. Parenting is stressful, tiring and time-consuming, all of which can impact our romantic relationship. 

So, should you always put your partner first? The short answer is probably not. Your children’s physical, emotional and developmental needs have got to be the priority for both of you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t strike a healthy balance between your relationship’s needs and those of your kids. In fact, modelling a healthy partnership where you’re able to address and resolve conflicts is a great example for them growing up. 

The longer answer is more complicated. "Prioritising your relationship is crucial for your children to witness," says Brooke Box, relationship expert and author. "Demonstrating the importance of maintaining healthy and respectful relationships sets a powerful example for your kids. It shows them how to communicate effectively, resolve conflicts, and support one another. It lays the groundwork for how they will approach relationships in their own lives by teaching your children the value of emotional health, mutual respect, and the strength of cooperation."

So what can we do to keep communication open and our sex lives thriving in the wake of becoming responsible for a  whole new person? And how do we balance the needs of our partner (and ourselves) against those of a child? Here are 3 common relationship problems in families with kids, and what to do about them:

1. Conflicts over parenting styles 
2. Lack of quality time together 
3. Letting the sex slide because you're exhausted

Read on for how these problems can affect your well-being, and what you and your partner can do to resolve them.

Top 3 relationship issues when you have kids, and how to fix them

 Conflicts over parenting styles 

How it feels: Do you and your partner clash over discipline, screentime and how to handle a tantrum? Maybe one of you thinks time-outs are great, while the other reckons it’s child torture? Differences in parenting styles can cause arguments in every relationship and leave both of you feeling angry, misunderstood and isolated. 

How you can resolve it: Try to find common ground while respecting each other’s differences in parenting. After all - you both want the best for your kids. Try to understand where the other is coming from. Carve out some time together to talk about specific issues instead of reacting in the heat of the moment and agree on what’s most important to both of you.

It's also vital to understand that you're different, says Box, and celebrate that fact. "Encouraging each other to pursue personal hobbies or interests can enrich your individual selves and, by extension, enhance your relationship."

Stephanie Lowe, Family editor at GoodtoKnow shares her experience.  "After our son was born, it felt like we were leading different lives. Mine was at the beck and call of a tiny human, and his had barely changed. I bubbled with resentment. We never seemed to be on the same page about anything. It took a while for us to find our groove again, but we did."

 Lack of quality time together 

How it feels: Quality time? Do you mean that hour between getting the kids off to sleep and falling asleep on the sofa? There’s more chance of Ryan Gosling popping over than your partner suggesting a ‘date night’ and that’s fine by you because you’ve still got that presentation to finish and the World Book Day outfit to organise and….

How you can resolve it: If you simply haven’t got the bandwidth to schedule regular ‘date nights’, beg, borrow and steal babysitters to have one night where you can both go out and try to reconnect.  If not,  try to find small pockets of time where you can be alone together, even if it’s just a cup of coffee in the morning or a glass of wine after the kids go to bed. "Dedicate time to be together as a couple, not just as co-parents. It’s crucial to reconnect outside of your parenting roles," says Box.

"My wife and I make it a point to spend time together every night watching a movie, working on a project together, or even just talking," says Alex, husband to Jessica and dad to three boys. "We also make sure to go on a trip together at least once a year while granny watches the kids. This keeps our relationship strong and it helps us be better parents."

"Creating time for one another is vitally important for the health of your relationship," says Anna Mathur, psychotherapist and author of Raising A Happier Mother: How to Find Balance, Feel Good and See Your Children Flourish as a Result, and mum of three. "If you can’t have date nights and days out, tweak your existing routine instead. Have phone-free time, and choose to eat some meals at the table where you are more likely to chat than flopping in front of the sofa."

Letting the sex slide because you're exhausted

How it feels: Between breastfeeding, carrying, and otherwise caring for your baby, you’re constantly touched by tiny hands all day, plus you’re exhausted. So when your partner initiates more physical affection, it can make you feel overwhelmed and reluctant to have any intimacy, stirring up frustration on top of the fatigue. Your partner feels rejected and unsatisfied, and tensions rise.

How you can resolve it: Try not to think of intimacy as just physical - it can be psychological and verbal, too. Have short, regular check-ins to talk, hug, or enjoy a cup of tea together. Try holding hands on a walk, having a quick kiss in the kitchen, or just sending a loving WhatsApp. If possible, set aside some time for physical intimacy, but don’t make sex the end goal. "Make it a habit to share feelings, desires, and concerns," suggests Box. "Effective communication is key to understanding and supporting each other."

"Take very small steps to reintroduce intimacy into your relationship – at a pace that’s comfortable for both of you,” say the experts at Relate. “This doesn’t necessarily mean reintroducing sexual acts. It could mean just touching or kissing more. You might like to try giving each other massages or holding hands. That way, you can re-learn to enjoy being sensual in a pressure-free environment.”

Discover more great advice for improving your relationship, from how to re-energise in the bedroom to 6 phrases for de-escalating conflicts when conversations get heated. Plus, these 5 expert tips will help you like being with your partner again (no matter how irritating you've found them recently).

What happens when one side of a partnership pushes for children when the other isn't ready? One dad shares his regret at doing just this.

Deciding when to start a family is never easy. Made harder when one person wants a baby but the other doesn't. The decision of when to get pregnant relies on multiple factors, including financial stability, health and wellbeing, and whether it just feels right. Conception can be unpredictable, and you never know if you might need help to increase your fertility and get that positive result you're hoping for. There's also the really tricky issue of what to do when one side of the partnership is ready for a baby, and the other isn't. 

A dad-of-two talks to us about his experience of exactly that - not wanting to be an old dad, he convinced his younger wife to have children, when she wasn't sure she was ready. Spoiler: They remain happily married, and wouldn't change their decision to have children for the world. However, dad, James, with the benefit of hindsight, has empathy for the wife who went along with his wishes and tells us jsut how much it affected them both - here's his story...

I regret pushing my wife into having kids

I always knew I wanted kids. At the same time I met my now-wife, my brother had just had his first child, and I spent lots of time showing off pictures of my first nephew, and wishing I lived closer to him. Looking back, I was honest with my future wife early on, that being a parent was absolutely on the cards. What I didn't do, was have a conversation about just how quickly I expected that to happen.

We are in an age-gap relationship. It's not a huge gap - I'm nine years older, but it made a big difference to our individual readiness to have kids. By the time my wife and I were engaged, my brother had another child and I started to worry about being an 'old dad'. She was 28 when we got married, and I was concerned about the milestone of 40 approaching for me. Heading towards this new decade, I worried about not having the energy to be as involved with my children as my parents were with me. My parents were 23 when they had me. I have strong memories of my dad running around with us all the time. 

Just before our wedding, I suggested to my wife that we start trying for a family as soon as we were married. She has PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and had been warned it could affect her fertility. I was thinking that should we experience problems, it would be better to know about them quickly. If it ended up taking some time to have children, I'd potentially be well into my forties before becoming a dad. This might be the ideal age for some - and I know plenty who waited until this time of life to start their families - I was convinced it wasn't for me.

My wife immediately looked unsure at my suggestion. She'd always wanted to be closer to her mid-thirties when she had children. She hadn't had a conventional university experience - a vocational degree meant she was always on placements and working. There'd been little time for living, she hadn't done the travelling or enjoyed the life experiences she'd hoped for. 

In complete contrast, I'd lived an exceptionally raucous university life, and my twenties were defined by parties, holidays, and impromptu weekends away with friends. I was more than ready for the next era. I liked to have everything planned out, and presented as many arguments as possible to my wife, about why we should be having children instantly and why it fitted my plan.

She eventually agreed to my suggestion of trying for a baby after the wedding. I think the initial murmurings of assent relied on the fact it might take a while to conceive, and she'd get those extra years of freedom she hoped for. Except it didn't - she fell pregnant the first time we tried. We are in no way ungrateful for this, especially considering the heartache we've witnessed friends struggling with fertility go through. But in hindsight, I should not have pushed this on my wife.

She spent most of the pregnancy repeating mantras about how great it was going to be, and how we were going to love being parents. I started to get the uneasy feeling these phrases were a cover for sheer panic, when all I felt was excitement. Despite being in a difficult job and on her feet for hours, she insisted on working until a week before her due date, and was hoping for the baby to come the day maternity leave began. This is probably because she didn't want time to think about what was to come and just wanted to get on with it.

When I went back to work two weeks after the baby was born, my wife felt lost. Her job had been busy and she barely got time to eat or sit down. While the friends she'd made at antenatal class shared messages relishing watching boxsets among the endless feeding, my wife felt claustrophobic in the house, and fidgety if she tried to do the same. This resulted in an exhausting schedule of baby activities, and often just walking the streets aimlessly with the pushchair. Or she'd be in tears when I got home having obsessively read up on certain baby-related topics and deciding she was failing at everything.

None of her friends were married or even thinking about kids when we had ours. She took their lack of interest in our baby really badly. They were just at a different stage in their lives, and hearing about nappies and sleeplessness not on their radar - we probably would've been exactly the same had we been in their position. What happened, was my wife's new support system consisted of people she'd only just met at antenatal class. This bomb that went off in our lives put huge distance between her and the people she'd always relied on.

We had another baby 14 months after the first. For those wondering 'was that planned,' yes - it amazingly was. And my wife was definitely on board with this - she argued we were already parents, and thought having children close together might be nice for them, and get the really hard stuff all done at the same time (spoiler alert: That definitely wasn't the case.)

Over a decade down the line, and I can reflect on pushing my wife into having children with a pretty deep level of regret - although the benefit of hindsight usually comes much too late. I'm not sure now why I felt being a dad in my forties would make me an 'old' dad. When our children started school, over half the dads were the same age as me or older. Most of the mums were too, meaning my wife was actually among the youngest. My ability to play with and enjoy my children hasn't changed being nearly 50, and at the moment I don't feel that'll change as I head into the next decade. I definitely could've been an older dad.

Living with the guilt I feel over putting what I wanted before my wife's needs however, has taken more soul searching. I acted believing everything would be fine. I just wish I'd known the real impact of having a baby and how the woman is always going to be more affected, however much a man thinks he'll be involved.

There were many times I felt grateful walking out the door to go to work, leaving the endless carousel of feeding and sleep schedules to somebody else. That someone was also doing their own mental gymnastics as they weren't quite ready for this life themselves and didn't get to opt out in the same way. Feminists; come at me with your pitchforks, because I agree, our patriarchal society sets unsuspecting women up for this and I played a part in it too.

My wife has dealt with ongoing mental health issues relating to postnatal depression, and grappled for years with the changes to her body caused by pregnancy and birth. Her friendships have been permanently altered, and although she has an admirable resilient streak, she has always had a vulnerable one that having children likely made worse, compounded by having them when she was unsure.

My guilt has made me hyper aware of when she feels vulnerable, and I intervene with hand-holding, an arm around the shoulder, and whispers of 'are you ok, do you need to leave?' We'll never know if things might've been different if she'd felt 'ready' to have children when we had them - that day of readiness might even never have arrived. I suspect a lot of the things that went wrong due to my persistence at sticking to my own agenda, wouldn't if we'd just waited. And like I said, reviewing things with hindsight is a wonderful thing, but still doesn't alleviate my regret at my actions...

What does James' wife feel about the situation?

James' wife was keen to offer her perspective on his story, and here's what she had to say:

I agree that I wasn't ready to have children when we did, and probably would've found the transition to motherhood easier with the benefit of age and wisdom. You can reiterate the phrase 'there's never the right time' until you're blue in the face, and it'll never get any easier to reconcile. It's such a personal decision and unique in that all couples will base it on their own individual circumstances - what works for one couple will be completely different for their friends.

It took me years to accept the monumental change that had taken place becoming a mother. This wasn't just an adjustment, it was a seismic shift of absolutely everything I knew about myself and my life. I had to reassess everything, and realised I wasn't the person I thought I was, probably because nobody gets the baby and induction into motherhood they think they'll get. 

I was fragile when I conceived, and in a marriage only just underway - it was a lot, and my people pleasing nature meant I didn't want to let my husband down by saying no to his greatest wish. Similarly, I don't blame him for our eventual decision to have a baby. I felt some initial resentment, but won't dwell on it because ultimately he's been a great husband and I couldn't imagine my life with anyone else.

On the plus side, I still felt young when I got some semblance of an easier life back. Also, while on maternity leave I started the process of changing my career. I probably would've stayed in my original job if the children hadn't come along, and would likely never have chased my dreams had I been an older mother - I possibly would've deemed it to be too late. And watching the school plays, sports days, cheering on the side lines on match days, little faces on Christmas morning - priceless no matter what age you are as a parent. 

For more on difficult parenting decisions, one mum shares why she regrets gentle parenting, while another delves into baby name regret she felt, predicted by the midwife who delivered him. Another parent told us why she didn't want mum friends, and the zero regrets she has at not pursuing friendships with other mums.

It takes more than one love language to maintain a happy relationship, according to a new study. Here's why a 'balanced diet' is the secret to long-lasting love...

Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and for busy parents, it might be the excuse you need to set aside some couple time. For some, that might look like spicing up the relationship and trying something new – like tantric sex – while others might use it as an opportunity to revisit their love language.

In case you're out of the loop, love languages are the five different ways of expressing and receiving love: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. The concept was created by Gary Chapman, author of the book The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, and he theorised that every person had a preferred love language. Understanding your partner's love language is widely thought to be one of the keys to a happy, long-lasting relationship.

However, a new study published in the Current Directions in Psychological Science suggests that long-term love isn't quite so straightforward. The authors of the research evaluated existing research on love languages and found that most people need to use and feel a mix of all five in order to cultivate long-lasting love.

They offer an alternative metaphor, describing love as a 'balanced diet'. The researchers write: "The process of maintaining successful, loving relationships is akin to keeping a healthy, balanced diet. Whereas Chapman’s language metaphor implies that people can feel love only when their partner speaks their love language, the healthy-diet metaphor suggests that people need multiple essential nutrients to maintain satisfying relationships."

However, that doesn't mean you should disregard the love languages theory entirely, as the researchers explain: "This does not mean that all expressions of love will be equally important to all people and in all situations. Just as there are times when people might have particularly strong needs for certain nutrients (e.g., a marathon runner needs extra carbs), people might benefit more from specific expressions of love at certain times, such as physical affection during times of stress."

They add, "Relationship science has shown that people with chronic relationship insecurities, for example, people higher in attachment avoidance who tend to have issues trusting in their partner’s love and care, experience even greater benefits when their partner expresses appreciation."

Relationship rubrics and categories like the love languages theory are a comforting and easily understood way to simplify something that is actually pretty complex and – as parents will know more than most – not always easy to maintain.

It's likely for this reason that Chapman's theory of the five love languages is so popular – The 5 Love Languages has sold over 20 million copies worldwide and been translated into 50 languages since first publication, and the hashtag #lovelanguages on TikTok has more than 500 billion views.

Unfortunately, relationship fixes are rarely so straightforward – though this probably won't come as a surprise. Sure, if you and your partner are busy parents who don't have enough time in the day to do anything for yourselves, then acts of service probably go a long way. But next time your loved one is feeling down about the way they handled that toddler tantrum, try a few words of affirmation instead.

As the study explains, "Successful relationships require that partners have a comprehensive understanding of one another’s needs and put in the effort to respond to [them]".

In related news, here's six phrases for de-escalating conflict in your relationship, and the questions to ask your partner for a relationship check-in. We're not surprised that half of British parents are ‘too tired to have sex’ - we aksed a relationship expert to share her tips.

So, your teenager has started dating and you have no idea what to expect. Here are all your questions answered, by a family expert and a psychologist.

Raising teens is just as hard as looking after small children. There might be no more nappy changes or nighttime feeds, but older kids come with a whole new set of anxieties for parents, including worrying about how much sleep teenagers need or why their teenager won't talk to them anymore. And while it's totally normal for teens to start dating and maybe even bring a romantic partner back home to meet the parents, it's an event that can be difficult to navigate.

As well as wondering if your teenager is safe, if they're being treated well and how they might cope with a messy breakup, you might also be wondering about what boundaries need to be put in place and what you should or shouldn't allow your teenager to do when it comes to dating. Specialist family law coach and Life Coach Directory member Nina Francis-Young tells us that it all comes down to communication. "The first thing that I advocate and explore with all of my clients is what we mean by 'dating'. A shared understanding is so important, as it means that all the significant adults in the teenager’s life are unified in their expectations and boundaries," she says. "Without this, your teenager will be receiving mixed messages, which will only confuse them."

With this in mind, we've spoken to the experts to find out what you can expect when your teen has started dating, what you can do to make sure they're safe, and the questions you can ask to make them feel comfortable about opening up.

When should I allow my teenager to start dating?

Many kids will express interest in having a boyfriend or girlfriend as young as primary school. But these playground relationships have a far different dynamic to the romantic relationships they may forge when they're in their teen years, leaving some parents wondering what age it's appropriate for them to start properly dating.

As licensed clinical psychologist Dr Tori Cordiano says: "Rather than a specific age or grade when dating is permitted, it's helpful to think about a teenager's decision-making and their level of maturity and responsibility. Many younger teenagers 'date' in ways that don't look much like traditional dating - they might spend time together in a larger group, or (especially with younger teens) they might be 'dating' without really having much one-on-one contact at all."

That said, if you're the parent of a teen who has started seriously dating, there's not much you can do to prevent this - regardless of their age - as Nina explains. She says, "If your teenager wants to experiment with dating and physical intimacy, they will have ample opportunity to do so and you will be hard pushed to prevent it."

Nina advises working to establish mutual trust, respect and powerful communication strategies. She says that these aspects of your relationship with your teen will put you in a much stronger position to explore the world of dating with them, including what it means to them, what their friends are doing, and the difference between what dating looks like in the mass media and ‘real dating’.

"From here, you can explore together what they want, and you can guide them to where you feel comfortable too," adds Nina.

What can I expect when my teenager starts dating?

Depending on the nature of your relationship with your teenager, they may not reveal to you that they are dating right away, or, alternatively, they might be excited and want to tell you all about it.

Dr Cordiano says, "While this isn't true for every family, you might also expect some resistance from your teenager in talking about their dating life. That's okay - it's still important to have the conversations (just keep them short)."

Meanwhile, Nina says that if your teen is reluctant to tell you about their romantic life, it will "likely be rooted in embarrassment or fear or reprimand". However, she adds, "If you have strong communication and can put yourself in your teenager’s shoes, you will be better equipped to overcome either situation."

Remember that your teen's dating life might look a little different to what we picture as traditional dating if they are in early adolescence.

How can I make sure my teen is safe when they start dating?

For many parents, their first concern when they find out their teen is dating will be whether they are safe. The only way to put your mind at ease is to talk to your teen, but these conversations can feel awkward.

Dr Cordiano suggests "getting in front of the awkwardness" by saying something like: 'Listen, I know this isn't a conversation you're dying to have, but it's important to me that we talk through some things now that you're dating. I promise to keep this short.'

Meanwhile, Nina explains, "One of the most important safety issues to address is boundaries; what are boundaries and how does your teenager stay true to their boundaries?" She adds that the most effective boundaries come when your teenager has a sense of their self-value and worth, so this is the first thing to explore with them.

Dr Cordiano adds that it may seem like your teen isn't listening when you have these conversations, but they will be taking in what you say, so it's important to relay guidelines and expectations around issues such as where your teenager is permitted to go and with whom, consent for romantic and sexual behaviours, and what you want them to do if a relationship starts to make them feel uncomfortable in any way.

Nina says that ultimately it all comes back to the respect, trust and strong communication you have hopefully built into your relationship with your teen. She explains, "You will not be able to have meaningful conversations with your teenager if you have not created a safe and valued space of positive communication. This is where you start and this should start when they are young children, but starting now is better than never."

What questions should I ask my teenager when they start dating?

It's natural to want to know the details about your teen's relationship, but asking too many questions could put their back up, and discourage them from offering up the information themselves.

As Nina says, "Unless you have already established good communication channels with your teenager, then asking questions will be fruitless as they may just refuse to respond to you or tell you what you want to hear. They may also interpret your questions as you trying to find fault, or invading their privacy."

Our experts advised that asking open-ended questions and avoiding being too direct is the best route to take. Asking your teenager about how they feel in their relationship, or how the person they're with makes them feel, is a good place to start.

• "It seems like you're in a good mood when you come home from [name]'s house - what makes you feel good about spending time with them?"
• "How are things with [name]?"
• "How do you feel when you are with [name]?"

Dr Tori explains that, for girls in particular, centring their own experiences and preferences is an important part of learning to cultivate healthy, fulfilling relationships. Asking them these questions communicates that their own feelings should be an essential part of their romantic life.

We spoke to the following experts:

Elsewhere, this is the real reason your teenager is sleeping in late, and if your teen never takes your advice, here's how to make yourself heard. Meanwhile, research has shown that your favourite TV show could influence your teen's future career.

A relationship expert has revealed three psychological ways to help you decipher whether or not your are 'in love' with someone and the questions she asks are sure to get down to the root of your feelings. 

Relationships can be tricky to navigate at the best of times. There's so many ups and downs. One day we're trying to search for the right words to de-escalate conflict in a relationship and trying to learn how to combat the behaviours that spell disaster for any relationship, then the next we're spicing things up with a partner and all is well again. 

The ups and downs are normal. But that doesn't mean they don't have us questioning whether or not we're actually 'in love' and TikTok's viral 12-question test that claims to reveal if you and your partner are meant to be can only settle the questioning for so long. But now a relationship expert has shared the three psychological ways to know if you are actually 'in love' - and just in time for Valentine's Day too! 

Taking to TikTok, dating and relationship expert Kimberly Moffit told her whopping two million followers, "There are three psychological ways to know if what you're experiencing is love and, as a relationship expert, I know that these three things are true."

The first thing? Take note of where your eyes are resting. Moffit says, "Have you ever noticed that you just can't stop staring at their face?

"When it's true love, we actually spend more time looking at this person's face than normal. In cases that aren't true love, like lust, we actually spend more time looking at their body as opposed to their face."

Next, ask yourself why you do things for your partner. "Have you ever found yourself going out of your way or making a sacrifice for them, not because it'll make you look good but rather because you just can't wait to see the look on their face?," Moffit asks.

She uses the example of buying a 'flashy' gift that will suggest to your partner you've spent a lot of money on them, comparing that will buying a 'less flashy' item that doesn't cost as much but better fits with what your partner likes. Which would you choose? Impressing them with how much you've spent, and therefore how good you look as a person, or bringing them joy with a sentimental item? Maybe it's time to rethink those Valentine's Day gifts for him or get a Valentine's gift for her that she'll actually love.

The third and final thing to uncover is whether or not you're using a partner for validation, trying to be the best person you can be around them rather than just relaxing and being yourself. "Have you ever noticed that when you're infatuated with someone, there's a lot of overwhelming, negative emotion at times. You can feel anxiety, nervousness and insecurity.

"If it is really true love, you're not currently experiencing any of these things because you see them less as a source of validation and more as a real life human being."

If Moffit's questions have left you questioning your relationship, our wellbeing news homepage is filled with relationship advice from Relationship therapist reveals 6 small things happy couples do to The 6 questions to ask your partner for a relationship check-in, as well as a bunch of self-care tips to help you wind down including 30 of the best self-care ideas to boost your health and manage stress – and they’re all free.

Half of the British parents are too tired to have sex, a study has revealed - but don't fear, a relationship expert shares her tips on how to get more than just sleepy cuddles under the covers.

Our lives are busier, parenting roles are just as demanding and the expectations that we can just cram everything in are higher than ever, but something's got to give and it looks like sex is on the back burner for many parents. But if you want to know how to spice up your relationship or are thinking of exploring Tantric Sex, you might want to solve the tiredness first.

A study shows nearly half of British parents (48 per cent) said that feeling exhausted from parenting responsibilities has made maintaining their sex lives harder.

The survey, carried out by MOJU, a functional juice brand, reports that three in five parents agree that parenthood harms their sex lives, with one quarter even lying to friends about how much sex they're having. But despite the dry spell, one in three parents surveyed say they want to have sex more often (and haven't gone off sex altogether).

When asked what they are trying to do to liven up their libido, 19 per cent admitted they are changing their diet in a bit to ramp up their energy in the bedroom - with more than one-quarter of gen Z respondents keen to explore libido-boosting foods. Men were four times more likely to try so-called aphrodisiacs such as chocolate, figs, oysters and ginger.

We asked Clio Wood, mental health and sex positivity advocate, and author of Get Your Mojo Back, Sex, Pleasure and Intimacy After Birth what parents can do to combat the issue. She tells GoodtoKnow, "Parenthood is exhausting, there's no two ways about it, so sometimes, cutting yourself some slack around expectations of how much sex you should be having is the best thing you can do for yourself. The exhaustion will ease and you will have more time for each other, but it can feel unending when you're in this phase. Try switching around your schedule and making time for sex during the day - that way you're not craving sleep the minute you hit the mattress in the evening."

But every busy parent knows that's easier said than done - not only are working mums dealing with 'mum guilt' of not spending enough time with their children, they're also coming to terms with matrescence.

Clio advises couples to focus on quality sex, not quantity. "There's no point aiming for loads of sex if it's not satisfying either of you. The best quality sex takes place when there's a connection between you and often that takes time and headspace. And if the sex is better, the more you might want to do it...it's a virtuous circle."

She shared her tips for setting aside time for intimacy as a couple. "It might not seem sexy, but scheduling time in for connection and intimacy is often the key to carving time out as busy parents. Whether that's once a week or a daily five minutes, find whatever works for you. Even if that isn't a slot for sex itself, building up a bank of connection and being nice to each other can really help when the time does come to get back in the sack."

And if you are still struggling, Clio suggests taking a break from screens to combat 'over-stimulation' draining your energy.

"These days we are hugely over-stimulated, from the constant social media scroll, to always being contactable, to the pressure of shopping and consuming, to the overwhelm of the 24/7 news cycle.  It's a lot for our brains to take in and it leaves us wired but tired.  It's not just the screen time that hinders us, but the overwork of the brain too, so the sleep we do get is not as nourishing and restful as it should be.  Taking time out from screens for a whole day once per week, as well as the usual overnight reset, can really help combat over-stimulation."

In other relationship news, we spoke to a body language expert who tells us how to tell if someone likes you. If you're looking to spice things up, you might want to read up on what is spooning and its benefits.

At home Valentine's Day ideas can sometimes feel cringe we get it, but sometimes we just have to go with it and do what we have to do because, let's be honest, babysitters can be pricey. Here, we speak to sex positivity expert on how to have fun staying in.

Everyone's Valentine's Day can look different for everyone. Kids might choose to show off their knowledge of Valentine's Day facts to impress their friends, while mums could round up their friends for Galentine's Day revelry. Others might've made subtle hints to the person in their life over the best Valentine's Day gifts around, and enjoy the anticipation of waiting to see what they might receive.

Finding time to spend together is difficult for busy couples, in which case staying in and making your own fun is a great option. The cost of Valentine's Day menus, and pressure to mark the occasion in some way can dampen the romantic mood. Add to that paying for a babysitter while you consume your expensive dinner, and going out for V-Day can lose the appeal. Clio Wood is a women's health and sex positivity advocate and author of Get Your Mojo Back, Sex, Pleasure and Intimacy After Birth. She told us "Valentine's Day can often feel performative and consumerist.  I like the fact that it's a reminder to show your loved ones you care, but I hate the fact that there's so much pressure to spend money or focus on the end game - sex.  Remember that showing your love can be focused on giving your time and attention, and thoughtful acts rather than just about intercourse."

This article will offer stay-at-home Valentine's Day inspiration, to keep the costs low and fun levels high - keep the babysitter for another day and enjoy time with the person you love surrounded by the comforts of home.

At home Valentine's Day ideas

1. A romantic movie marathon

There are plenty of romantic movies to choose from, and making your selection might be half the fun. The film doesn't even have to revolve around love - the action one sat on your watch list for the last six months will be perfect. As long as you're watching something you both agree on, that quality time together is what counts.

Mum-of-two Rhi told us about the Valentine's Day movie tradition she has with her partner. "We try and watch all of the Bridget Jones films - all of them. As soon as the kids are asleep, we run downstairs and get the first one going. Then it truly is a marathon to see if we can stay awake for the last one - it's a lot of fun and I really look forward to it!"

2. Carve out some time during the day

You Valentine's celebration doesn't have to take place during the evening. If you're both at home during the day, doing something special at lunchtime is a great idea. If your kids are at school, great, but even taking 20 minutes to do something during nap time for those young children, can increase intimacy.

Clio Wood is a women's health and sex positivity advocate, and founder of award-winning women's wellbeing retreat company, &Breathe. Clio shared with us "Kids take up a lot of headspace and it's hard to plan for a night out, even when it's Valentine's Day.  But mixing up your timing can really help - try a date lunch at home, instead of an evening out, that way childcare is usually taken care of and you're not so tired!

Couples I know have also found success with micro-moments of time together. If you can't go out, why not take a 30 minute bath together, spend 20 minutes playing a conversation game, 10 minutes giving a shoulder massage, five minutes kissing?"

3. Make yourselves some cocktails

If you've settled on having some cocktails or mocktails once the kids are tucked up in bed, channel your inner Tom Cruise in Cocktail, and get shaking. A book of cocktail recipes can be a good start to get your Negroni or Virgin Martini underway. There's also plenty of YouTube tutorials with recipes and top tips to get the perfect drink, just a click away on your device.

Mum-of-three, Orla wanted to be reminded of a special holiday on Valentine's Day. She said "When we were on our honeymoon, we constantly drank Mojitos. Last year, I came up with the idea of a playlist of all the songs we listened to on that trip - we'd play them on Valentine's Day while we drank Mojitos and reminisced. We bought a Mojito making kit (£39.95, The Cocktail Connoisseurs), sang along to our playlist, and had a really fun evening."

4. Have a picnic in your front room

Did somebody say crisps, dips, cocktail sausages and mini pizzas? Whatever your favourite picnic food, there's something fun about eating one in your own front room. You might even have a play tent your kids use already set up - in which case, clear out their toys, pop down some blankets and cushions, and let it become your adult space for the evening.

It might not be tapas, but 'picky bits' and an evening of grazing is parent heaven. Especially when you've picked out all your best bites that need minimal preparation. It's all made even better by not having to share anything with little people and have their sticky hands making the mood a little less romantic. 

5. Spend the evening outside

Wrap up warm, grab those blankets and get yourselves outside for the evening - you can take the monitor out if you need to. This activity can be as simple as gazing at the stars while you share some drinks. Or, you could go all out and fire up the BBQ, and for those with a pizza oven, get those margheritas going (Margaritas with your margherita?)

Dad-of-two, Tom told us "We love doing something outside for date nights. We bought our kids a Jumbo Hi-Tower (£39.99, Big Game Hunters) for them to play with outside during the day. We played it ourselves one evening when they were in bed - it's basically giant Jenga, and it got really competitive. Our Valentine's Day this year is Hi-Tower wars with a bottle of wine!" 

6. Cook a meal together

This probably won't be something busy parents do regularly, and is a great way to spend some quality time together. There's many forms this could take - you prepare something together from scratch, get a meal box in, or whoever does the bulk of the cooking usually can have a night off and watch something being created for them. Clio Wood said "If you very rarely connect properly with your other half because life is so busy, taking the time to plan and cook a special meal at home might mean far more than a hastily booked restaurant."

Mum-of-three, Michelle said "We love COOK in our house. Ever since I was given a COOK voucher for one of my maternity leaves, we've used them for special occasions. I've spent ages this year perusing their Valentine's meal boxes (from £30, COOK) to choose a really special meal. They don't need too much in the way of preparation, but that's part of the treat - just being in the kitchen together rarely happens, and it'll give us time to catch up and eat together, also something we don't do enough of!"

7. Do a jigsaw together

They might be something we bought our kids to help them with gross motor skills and other developmental necessities, but jigsaws have many benefits for adults, too. Studies indicate jigsaw puzzling helps regulate distressing emotions, prevent chronic stress, and improve long-term memory by preventing cognitive aging. These are just some of the benefits, there are actually many more, but anything to alleviate the stress of busy lives is a good place to start. 

Mum-of-one, Rosa, said "I loved helping my daughter with jigsaws, and as she got older and they got more difficult, I got even more interested. She got a Harry Potter jigsaw for her birthday, and it was far too hard for her, so I did it one evening when she was asleep. Now I have a jigsaw table and do them all the time. Me and my husband are going to start a Star Wars Death Star puzzle (£29.99, Rest In Pieces) for a bit of fun, although it'll take more date evenings than just Valentine's to finish!" 

8. Have a spa-at-home

Although face masks and a bit of manicuring won't be for everyone (looking at the dads here), there's no reason why you can't take it in turns to give each other a massage. Or someone can rub your feet while you're watching the film you've picked out. However you choose to approach it, the power of touch can't be underestimated.

Studies have shown that couples who touch each other more tend to be happier. Massage, caresses, hand-holding and hugging, improve relationship satisfaction and have unique benefits separate to sexual touch. These include promoting connection and relaxation, while boosting communication and intimacy. 

9. Create a trivia challenge

Consider this a pub quiz about your relationship. You can make this as fun as you like, by create a customised game with questions about each other. This can include questions about likes, dislikes, favourite foods, places you've travelled too, and memorable moments together.

If you don't want to make it about your partnership, there's plenty of other options. There's apps and websites galore that offer traditional pub quiz questions that will put your general knowledge well and truly to the test, as you go up against one another.

10. Share a scrap book of your favourite moments together

Although this requires a bit of time and dedication beforehand, there are major benefits to this one. If you decide to make your own scrap book of favourite pictures from your time together, you can print off actual photos - because nobody really does that anymore, and it's something we should definitely do more of. You can also get one printed online with pictures from your phone if that's easier, and they do look effective. 

Another benefit is sitting down to look at the finished product together - there will be no screens or distractions, just the two of you engaging in conversation as you walk memory lane. Mum-of-two, Lucy said "I made my husband a digital picture book for his 40th, and he was ecstatic (from £11.99, Photobox). He loves physical photos too, so I once bought a lovely book and put lots of printed photos inside, with romantic messages. It was pretty soppy, but I'm like that - he loved it, and I loved putting it together."  

For more about the day we up our romance game, we've looked into the Valentine's Day origins, and what to write in a Valentine's Day card if you're struggling for inspiration. If you're buying Valentine's gifts for kids this year, we've got adorable ideas for all ages. 

Psychologists say six types of phrases are heard in the most successful relationships, and they can help avoid conflict when discussions become heated.

The movies might make it look easy, but relationships are hard to maintain and, if you've got children, you might find you don't have as much time to spend on connecting with your partner as you'd like. It's natural for your relationship to change after having a baby - you might feel like you've gone off sex, while others may start to feel more easily irritated by your partner. However this change manifests, it's likely that you're looking for ways to spice up your relationship.

And you don't have to be spending time between the sheets to do that. Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman are psychologists and relationship experts, and they've been married for 35 years - so they know a thing or two about staying together. In a recent article for CNBC, they outlined six categories of phrases that happy couples use when conflict arises - and added that it's something "anyone can learn to do".

We've outlined the Gottmans' tried-and-true phrases below - all of which have come from years of observation of over 30,000 couples...

6 phrases for de-escalating conflict

1. I feel

Use 'I feel' phrases when you need help expressing your emotions in the moment.

Examples:

• “I feel blamed. Can you rephrase that?”
• “I feel like you don’t understand me right now.”
• “That hurt my feelings.”

2. I need to calm down

Use 'I need to calm down' phrases when you start feeling flooded and/or need a moment of repair.

Examples:

• “Can I take that back?”
• “Can I have a hug?”
• “I need your support right now.”

3. I'm sorry

Use the words 'I'm sorry' when you need help phrasing an apology.

Examples:

• “How can I make things better?”
• “I want to be gentler to you right now and I don’t know how.”
• “My reactions were too extreme. I’m sorry.”

4. Stop action

Use 'stop action' phrase when you are flooded and need a break.

Examples:

• “Give me a moment. I’ll be back.”
• “Let’s agree to disagree here.”
• “I’m feeling flooded. Can we take a break and talk about something else for a bit?”

5. Getting to yes

Use 'getting to yes' phrases when you want to validate your partner or meet them halfway.

Examples:

• “I agree with part of what you’re saying.”
• “Let’s compromise here.”
• “I never thought of things that way.”

6. I appreciate

Use 'I appreciate' phrases when you want to make a repair and add positivity.

Examples:

• “I love you.”
• “One thing I admire about you is...”
• “I understand.”

Just like it's important to have a list of questions to ask your partner for a relationship check in, having a list of ways to de-escalate conflict can help you to build a healthier relationship and tackle the early signs of divorce.

By using these six types of phrases, you and your partner can repair with each other when it all gets a bit much, and get your relationship back on track.

For more relationship news, we've looked into the signs your boyfriend might be cheating and 12 reasons why relationships break down. And does your relationship pass the 'Beckham Test'? The viral trend is taking TikTok by storm, so how does your partner compare to the world-famous footballer?

No one gets married thinking they’re destined for divorce, and deciding whether you’re in a broken marriage beyond repair or not doesn't come easily.

But, life can create a marriage and it can break one. Maybe you’ve been living in a sexless marriage for some time now and, no matter how many times you try to spice up your relationship, you just can’t see it working. The divorce rate in the UK was sat at 42%, according to a 2023 study, so you’re not alone if you think you're heading this way.

While divorce has become more common, many relationships do survive, even if one or both have taken steps to see a divorce lawyer. Family lawyer Stuart Clark from Rayden Solicitors tells us; "[family lawyers] are here to help separating spouses make their own decisions. We are not here to make those decisions for them. Some go on to separate and divorce. Others have remained together. Meeting with a family lawyer might be part of the therapeutic exercise of assessing options, or it can be done with the full intention of separating and divorcing. There is not one hard and fast rule for each divorce is unique."

In this article, we talk to family lawyers and look at the four early signs that you might be headed for divorce and also share the expert, Dr Gottman's advice, on how to avoid it.

Early signs of divorce

1. Harsh set up
2. The Four Horsemen
3. Flooding
4. Not repairing

Four common communication pitfalls can often mean a couple is headed for divorce with over 90% accuracy, according to research from John Gottman, Ph.D. Dr Gottman’s list of traits is derived from seven different studies he’s done on the topic. These studies included three types of couples, those who divorced, those who remained together and were happy, and those who remained together but were not happy. It was from these studies, Dr Gottman found that couples that eventually get divorced tend to have conversations about conflicts with one or more of the following features:

1. Harsh setup

Sarcasm, mocking, taking the mick out of your partner. 'Harsh setup' is a one-line explainer to describe when a conversation to resolve conflict doesn't start in the best way. If a conversation starts this way, it's likely not going to end well as both parties will be on the defensive. According to Dr Gottman, you can predict the way a conversation will go 96% of the time based just on the initial three minutes. It turns out that the prediction often holds for the marriage, too. If conversations seem to regularly start like this between you and your spouse, it might be time to seek some relationship support.

2. The Four Horsemen

Dr Gottman likens the progression of a doomed conversation to the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which look like this;

1. Criticism ("You always do..")
2. Contempt (can look like mocking and eye-rolling)
3. Defensiveness (sounds like bringing up the past or accusing the other person of doing the same thing)
4. Stonewalling (the other person withdraws, shuts down, ignores you)

These four signs happening in your marriage are a cry for help. Here we talk in more detail about the four horsemen and how these behaviours can spell disaster for any relationship.

3. Flooding

Flooding is kind of what it sounds like; a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion. Dr Gottman noticed in his research that when couples' conflict escalates it is not only their words, tone, and volume that escalate, it is also their heart rates and the amount of stress hormones being secreted. In other words, any sort of reasonable response to what’s going on goes out the window and suddenly you’re down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts and extreme feelings - both emotionally and physically - that make it impossible for you to stay grounded, making productive conversations almost impossible.

4. Not attempting to repair

Ah, an oldie but a goodie, arguments and 'the Four Horsemen' don't tend to lead to divorce overnight. One of the reasons Dr Gottman can predict divorce when he sees these things happening early on is because he also assesses the patterns their disagreements tend to take. The most important aspect for predicting whether or not the marriage will end is the attempts the couple makes at de-escalating tension. Failure to do so is a reliable sign divorce is in their future.

While each divorce is unique, Stuart talks about the signs that many clients share with him when they take the first steps toward divorce; "It may be that the spouses have drifted apart and stopped sharing their day, have lost the feeling of sharing the joys and the pitfalls of daily life. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and it is usually when the downs become more permanent than they are temporary that the relationship may be heading for separation."

How to save your marriage - Dr Gottman's top three tips

If reading this article makes you feel a bit anxious because you recognised one or more of those traits in your marriage, take heart, all couples go through tough times. Here Dr Gottman shares his top three tips on changes to make in your marriage to save it;

1. Turn toward one another
2. Solve solvable problems
3. Build and follow love maps

Turn toward one another - Sounds so simple, right? But many couples don't do this (perhaps subconsciously) And, according to Dr Gottman, conversational patterns play a big role in a couple’s level of happiness. Physically facing each other produces expressions of interest and acknowledgment that beat out conversational tricks. So, next time you know you're going to be having a conversation that might go down the conflict route, take a stance that faces your partner with open arms and body language.

Solve solvable problems - In short, this means, don't set yourselves up for failure. Dr Gottman recommends five tactics for couples to use to find a compromise.

• Begin with a soft start, so that the conversation leads to a good result
• Offer and respond to attempts at repairing issues or behaviours that preserve the emotional connection and emphasise the “couple” over the single partner
• Effectively soothe your partner and yourself
• Utilise negotiation skills and compromises
• Tolerate your partner’s vulnerabilities and conversational habits that are ineffective; keep the focus on shared concerns for the relationship’s wellbeing

Build and follow love maps - Essentially what this means is to remember your partner as a person and try to see things from their perspective. Look beyond 'winning this argument' and remember the bigger picture: your relationship. A love map may look like thinking to yourself: 'How might they feel?' or 'What stresses them out?', remembering that these will help you understand where your partner is coming from during conversations and arguments.

If divorce is still on the cards...

Sometimes saving a marriage is no longer an option, and that's okay too. If reading this article has made you think of the next steps toward divorce then read on for all the advice shared by family lawyer, Stuart Clark. "Planning is important. If possible, sure you have a good understanding of the financial situation. Keep a note of what you know. Keep a journal if possible as this might help in the future. Get your financial affairs organised."

He goes on to tell us that anyone thinking about divorce should seek legal advice; "Navigating a divorce can be tricky and speaking to a family lawyer can help you to understand your rights, to plan and to plot a route to solving separating your physical, social and financial life from your spouse. We can help you to plan the early stages, be it finding out information or protecting your position. Often some good advice early on can help to avoid difficulties later down the line. It will help you to know what to do immediately, and what to expect. It can help to dispel any misunderstandings about the process and the possible outcomes. And it can help you to plan your first steps."

Our expert panel:

In other relationship news, here's how to explain the mental load to your partner. And, did you know that divorce after a baby is more common than many people think? And that matrescence lasts for up to 10 years after having a baby?

Adjusting to a new co-parenting arrangement can be tough, you're not alone with that. But with these co-parenting tips for separated parents, the transition may be a little easier.

When you've realised it's the right time to walk away from a relationship, your first thought is likely about your children; How are they going to react to the news? Where are they going to live? How will they adjust to living without both of their parents all the time? 

One of the biggest struggles going into a new co-parenting arrangement is often the arduous task of keeping it civil for the sake of the kids. But that's difficult when there's emotional baggage left over from the failed relationship and perhaps you're also clashing on what parenting style to rely on through the change. 

Jennifer Moore, Legal Director at Rayden Solicitors tells us; “The breakdown of a relationship can be stressful, traumatic and heartbreaking. However, when a child is involved, we would encourage you to find a way to communicate with your child’s other parent.” And Dr Seb Thompson, Clinical Psychologist at Cygnet Health Care agrees: “One of the core psychological needs of any child is to feel loved, accepted and safe. People who co-parent are ultimately the child’s primary attachment figures and are the people that the child will look for to provide that safe, nurturing and validating environment in which they can grow and thrive."

In this article we look at what co-parenting is, ask a psychotherapist how to co-parent successfully and share top tips from a family lawyer.

How to co-parent: Top 9 tips

Jennifer an expert in child contact and custody disputes shares her top 9 tips on how to co-parent.

1. Consider longer term
2. Keep 'grown-up talk' out of earshot
3. Consider mediation if communicating gets too difficult
4. Implement a 'parenting plan'
5. Be flexible where you can
6. Plan in advance
7. Set boundaries
8. Avoid interrogation
9. Accept this is challenging and always respect each other

1. Consider longer term

If the separation is new and the children are young, there will be many years, potentially decades, to navigate, as co-parents. Jennifer says; "Effective co-parenting hinges on maintaining healthy communication methods with your ex. Consider each interaction with your ex with your child's well-being in mind."

2. Keep 'grown-up talk' out of earshot

"It is known that exposing children to parental conflict is not in their interests and is potentially harmful," Jennifer explains. And, the 2013 research conducted by Dr. Irwin Sandler, backs this, revealing that conflict between parents poses the greatest risk for harm to children - not the divorce itself. With this in mind, it’s extremely important to work through any conflict together without involving your child. 

3. Consider mediation if communicating gets too difficult

If communication is difficult, as is often the case, consider involving a third party. "Mediation and/or family therapy are both useful mechanisms for agreeing on parenting principles, such as having the same rules and boundaries in place in respect of religious traditions," advises Jennifer.

4. Implement a 'parenting plan'

Jennifer suggests a parenting plan. "This is a written plan worked out between parents after they separate. It can help clarify the arrangements and set down what each parent expects of the other when the child is in their care." Dad-of-two Lee says this worked for them. "We implemented this and signed it, almost like a contract, a deal between us."

Licensed Psychotherapist Zuania Capó agrees writing for She Knows, she says; "Having a clear roadmap helps reduce misunderstandings and provides a structured framework for co-parenting," Capó explains. "Aim for consistent rules and expectations across both households. This helps create stability for the children, reducing confusion and making the transition between homes smoother. It also ensures that children understand the expectations and consequences on both sides, promoting a sense of fairness and stability in their lives."

5. Be flexible where you can

 Zuania also reminds co-parenting couples that sticking to the plan is not always possible. "Life is unpredictable, and flexibility is crucial," she says. "Be open to adapting schedules when necessary and accommodating changes due to work, emergencies, or unexpected events. A flexible mindset contributes to a more cooperative co-parenting dynamic."

It is, however, possible to have too much of a good thing, Jennifer tells us. "If your ex is constantly asking you to change your plans under the guise of flexibility, then consider whether they are in fact trying to undermine the agreement you have reached. If that is the case, you could either refuse the proposed changes or instead suggest that you both re-consider the arrangements, in light of the fact that they are clearly not working as intended.”

Remember that flexibility needs to be mutual, you shouldn’t always be the parent who is compromising.

6. Plan in advance

Over school holidays, both parents will likely want to make plans and spend time with their child; so it’s important that arrangements are confirmed in order to allow each parent to organise activities, days out and trips without causing any unnecessary friction.

Jennifer agrees; “This is especially true if one or both parties will have a long journey in order to facilitate handovers. It’s worth thinking about the logistics as early as possible when considering your co-parenting arrangements. Apps like OurFamilyWizard or Cozi are some of our favourites to help make co-parenting work seamlessly.”

7. Set boundaries

"Whilst your child going to bed half an hour later than they would at your house is not the end of the world, an overall consistent approach avoids confusion for your child," Jennifer says. "The rules don’t have to be the same in each household, but your child should know what the basic co-parenting boundaries and expectations are.”

8. Avoid interrogation

Jennifer always advises her clients to to not involve the children. "We’d recommend avoiding interrogating the children after time spent with the other parent, as this involves the children in the parent’s problems unnecessarily.” 

“However strong your negative feelings towards your former partner are, don’t use the children as “pawns” by using them to punish the other parent. This can lead to difficult relationships as your children grow up and form a view of how their parents dealt with contact.”

9. Accept this is hard

While you put in place plans, boundaries and roadmaps for the benefit of your kids, it's also important to listen to their input rather than just handle everything for them.  Zuania says, "Amidst the complexities of post-divorce dynamics, it’s essential to create an environment where our children feel heard and valued. By actively listening to their aspirations, concerns, and preferences, we not only strengthen our connection with them but also empower them to express themselves openly." This can also teach both kids and parents how to better deal with family conflicts when they arise. 

And they will arise as co-parenting can be challenging and it's okay to not always like each other, as long as you continue to respect each other as parents. Mum-of-two Lisa agrees, "In the beginning, this was really hard, we had split because of cheating and there was so much anger and resentment bubbling away and slipping out either by an eye roll or snarky comment. It was not my finest parenting moment. Mediation really helped."

Jennifer agrees, she tells us; “Try to recognise that you will both play an important role in your child’s life and value the positive contributions that you both make, no matter how small.” 

Main takeaway

But for all the practical tips and tricks you can put into use, perhaps the most important is to remember that it's not personal. Of course it's easy to let emotions run high, especially when dealing with a former romantic partner but co-parenting couples need to remember that the actions and words of the other person are often reflections of their own struggles and not a personal attack.

 Zuania says, "By focusing on fostering a positive co-parenting dynamic and recognising that both parties may make mistakes but ultimately have the same goal – the happiness and growth of the children – we can navigate challenges with grace and resilience."

What is co-parenting?

Simply put, co-parenting is where adults share the duties of parenting a child or children. A common example might be when a separated or divorced mother and father share legal and physical custody of their child. When co-parenting works it's a safe parental bubble, where children can see calm regulated grown ups treating each other with respect and understanding each other's needs even though they are no longer in a relationship.

Marcie agrees, "Co-parenting is the ideal state between two separated parents. It is when both parents can put their children front and centre and communicate effectively about them."

Featured experts

If you are struggling with any aspect of parenting, keep up to date with all our family news and parenting advice like Parenting coach shares 7 symptoms of parental burnout and ideas on how you can cope with it, and How to respond when your kid says ‘I hate you’ – and 3 ways to understand how they’re really feeling, as well as Feeling disconnected from your partner after having a baby is completely normal (and you're not alone). 

Neglectful parenting, sometimes known as uninvolved parenting, is where parents make few to no demands of their kids and show a distinct lack of responsiveness to their needs - physically, emotionally, and mentally.

There are many positive parenting styles out there that are actively adopted by parents - like gentle parenting - with many mums and dads making concerted efforts to change their responses to certain behaviour to fit that style. There are also parenting styles that are a natural fit depending on the parent's own childhood, such as authoritative, helicopter parenting, and tiger parenting.

The term neglectful parenting has a lot of weight attached to it as the scale of neglect can range massively. When we hear the word neglect we often think of social services, the intervention of some kind, and 'saving' the child. Neglectful as a 'parenting style' is often not intentional, as Dr Amanda Gummer tells us; "Neglectful parenting happens when parents unintentionally fail to meet their child’s basic needs.  Things such as engaging with them invaluable playtime, showing love, or giving them attention."

In this article, we ask the experts Anna Mathur and Dr Amanda Gummer, and look at what neglectful parenting is, what it's not, and whether there are any benefits to this parenting style.

What is neglectful parenting?

Neglectful parenting involves a lot less 'hand-holding' compared to other parenting styles and can sometimes come across as cold. It's characterised by a lack of emotional, physical, or educational support, often resulting in long-term consequences for the child's well-being. Examples of neglectful parenting include consistently ignoring a child's needs, failing to provide proper supervision, and being indifferent to their emotional struggles. Recent studies from the American Academy of Pediatrics, emphasize the detrimental effects of neglectful parenting.

Children parented like this tend to receive little guidance, discipline, or nurturing from the main grown ups in their life. And often kids are left to raise themselves and make decisions — big and small — on their own. It's because of this, that it's easy to pass judgment on these parents. But whether you’re an uninvolved parent or you know someone who is, it’s important to remember that this parenting style isn’t always intentional. The reasons why some parents end up raising their kids this way varies.

We know that many parents might identify with feeling overworked, stressed, and tired in general. And, when it all gets too much they might brush off their child for a few minutes peace. That isn't this. You are not a neglectful parent if you know you have done that - we all have. And, as guilty as you might feel afterwards, these moments aren’t characteristics of neglectful parenting. Neglectful parenting is a consistent and ongoing pattern of emotional distance between parent and child.

This parenting style and the word 'neglectful' is problematic, family psychotherapist, Anna Mathur tells us. "A neglected child tends to be where basic needs aren't being met, and being overlooked. The throwaway use of the word doesn't sit well with me." However when talking about Jennifer Garner's recent throwaway term 'benign neglect', she understands where she's coming from; "I think it's incredibly privileged to be able to use the word neglect when talking about your parenting style, with little to no real understanding of what neglect can look like for children in real life. I think she had value in what she was saying, there's a lot of helicopter parenting and micro-managing by parents who are so scared of messing up their children."

Signs of neglectful parenting

Practical signs of neglectful parenting can include many things. Dr Gummer agrees, she tells us; "Signs such as unclean clothes, or a child that isn’t dressed appropriately may indicate neglect. Things such as a child showing frequent hunger, a lack of routine care or the child not wanting to take part in play activities may all be signs." Here are six of the signs of neglectful parenting;

1. Inconsistent Supervision: Frequently leaving their children unattended or not monitoring their activities, exposing them to potential dangers.
2. Emotional Neglect: Neglectful parents often ignore, dismiss or invalidate their child's emotions, leaving the child feeling unimportant or neglected emotionally.
3. Unmet Basic Needs: Not providing food, clothing, and shelter reflects neglectful parenting, impacting the child's physical development and overall health.
4. Lack of Emotional Attachment: An emotional attachment comes naturally to many parents, but for neglectful parents this bond isn't a given. neglectful parents may struggle to form a secure emotional bond with their child, impacting the child's ability to build healthy relationships in the future.
5. Lack of interest in child's education: Showing no interest or having no involvement in a child's education can lead to academic struggles and can impact any future opportunities.
6. Poor communication: Little to no communication with their children means that they actively avoid engaging in meaningful conversations or offer guidance, which can impact a child's social and cognitive development.

Dr Gummer adds; "To avoid [falling into] these, parents can establish regular schedules for meals, some together-playtime and prioritise their child’s wellbeing through communication."

While it's important to note that neglectful parenting is generally not considered a positive approach, there are some loosely recognised pros for this 'hands-off' approach to parenting. And Dr Gummer agrees; telling us "I would never advocate a neglectful parenting style and don’t see any direct pros however parents adopting these styles, who may not know any different can benefit from a change in their approach and with support can make a real difference to their child’s emotional and physical development. "

She also understands the challenges for working parents; "[they] may always be working late and therefore not engaging with their children or finding time for leisure and play activities as they struggle with their time pressures may assume all is well and they are actively preparing for their child’s future, but whilst in this example, financial support is essential, so is bonding through family time. Neglecting this might impact the child’s sense of connection and security even if parents believe they are doing their best with good intentions."

Perceived pros and cons of neglectful parenting

Pros:

1. Independence: Children may become more independent as they learn to rely on themselves.
2. Self-sufficiency: Some children may develop resilience and self-sufficiency by navigating challenges without parental guidance

Cons:

1. Emotional Impact: Severe emotional consequences, including low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.
2. Behavioural Issues: Increased likelihood of behavioural problems and difficulty forming healthy relationships.
3. Academic Challenges: Neglect can contribute to academic struggles due to lack of support and supervision.
4. Long-term Consequences: Negative impacts may persist into adulthood, affecting mental health and overall life satisfaction.
5. Social Development: Impaired social skills and difficulty trusting others may result from a lack of emotional connection during childhood.

Examples of neglectful parenting

Here are some loose examples of how neglectful parenting may look, depending on the age of a child.

Take an infant, for example. While some parents take every opportunity to nurture and offer affection, an uninvolved parent may feel disengaged or detached from their baby. The parent may have no interest in holding, feeding, or playing with their baby. And when given the opportunity, they might give the baby to their partner or a grandparent. Though, feeling initial detachment can be also be a sign of postpartum depression. That’s why it’s important to see your health care provider for treatment if you have postpartum depression.

It's important to not also that there can be many other factors at play. For example, a parent may feel disconnected if they didn’t have a bond with their own parents. I.e. with a toddler, an uninvolved parent may show little interest in artwork created, or they may ignore the child as they excitably talk about their day instead. They may also fail to create reasonable boundaries such as clear bedtimes. This is in contrast with an authoritative parent, who listens to their child and encourages open communication, but also sets limits when appropriate. With an older child, an uninvolved parent may not impose any consequences, or even react or care, if the child skips school or brings home a bad report card. This is different from a gentle parent, who would likely be comfortable with natural consequences taking place and will open a discussion with their child to come up with a plan together to avoid the undesirable behaviour.

Why do some parents use the neglectful parenting style?

Uninvolved parenting isn’t usually a conscious choice. It comes about for different reasons. It can happen when a parent becomes too involved with work and finds little time or energy to focus on their child, which can cause a disconnect in the relationship. Sometimes, though, this style develops because we only know what we know. So, when a person has been raised by neglectful parents themselves, or when a parent deals with mental health issues that prevent forming any type of emotional attachment. If so, this parent may also have difficulty bonding with their spouse and others.

Though, regardless of the underlying reasons, it's important to remember that changing a parenting style is doable. It might help to seek therapy to deal with struggles, past abuse, or other issues that prevent establishing an emotional bond with your child. Reach out to charities such as Mind for where to start with making changes.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world, it kicks off with post natal life and then once you've made it through maternity leave and stared down the barrel of post-natal depression you then have explaining the mental load to contend with. 

Expert panel

Relationship experts say there are four signals that a relationship is on its way out, but they've also revealed the antidotes.

Relationships can be hard, and as anyone who has been through the demise of one knows that wondering why you've gone off sex and searching for ways to spice up your relationship can sometimes be signs that things aren't right. And parents will know that it can be hard to find a moment together to reconnect amid busy family life, making relationship work even more difficult.

But there are ways to tell if things are on the wrong track, as Drs John and Julie Gottman know. World-renowned for their work on marital stability, divorce prediction and parenting issues, the psychologists co-founded The Gottman Institute, which takes a research-based approach to helping families create and maintain greater love and health in relationships.

And according to the Institute's research, four communication styles can predict the end of a relationship. These have been named 'The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse', using the metaphor from a depiction of the end of times in the New Testament. They are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

However, according to The Gottman Institute it’s not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. And they've named four antidotes for The Four Horseman, to help get your relationship back on track.

'The Four Horseman' of relationships

1. Criticism

Defined as "verbally attacking personality or character", criticising your partner is different to offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The Gottman Institue explains, "It makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt, and often causes the perpetrator and victim to fall into an escalating pattern where the first horseman reappears with greater and greater frequency and intensity, which eventually leads to contempt." We get that, as a parent, it can be easy for criticism to creep in - you'll both have different ideas about how you want to parent your kids, and sometimes these can clash. But there are ways to manage this conflict when criticism rears its head.

The antidote: 'Gentle start-up' is the term The Gottman Institute uses to describe the antidote for criticism, which they define as, "Talking about feelings using 'I' statements and express positive needs". They say that in order to formulate your start-up, think of these two things: What do I feel? What do I need?

2. Contempt

Contempt is "attaching sense of self with intent to insult or abuse". The Gottman Institute says contempt goes beyond criticism and assumes a position of moral superiority over the partner, and is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about them. Examples include sarcasm, ridicule, calling names and eye-rolling. Parents will know that after a particularly stressful day it can be hard not to let your frustrations overwhelm you, but the way you manage these feelings is key.

Our Family Editor, Stephanie Lowe, recognised contempt in her relationship when her son was a year old. "Being the default parent, I was the one researching tips and advice and behaviour insights with my partner, telling him what was working at the moment only for him to forget instantly, or sharing Instagram posts that he never read. I could feel the contempt creeping in. Instead of seeing it as me and him, I had an air of superiority and would sneer with disdain whenever he did anything wrong, because 'that's not how I do it'... I had to rectify that, and it can be hard to come back from. It took a lot of chats and agreements."

The antidote: Appreciation is the antidote to contempt, according to The Gottman Institute. They say you should "Build a culture of appreciation, remind yourself of your partner's qualities," they add: "find gratitude for positive actions". Regularly expressing appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner can create a positive perspective in your relationship that acts as a buffer for negative feelings. 

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is "Victimising yourself to ward off a perceived attack and reverse the blame." It's typically a response to criticism, and usually involves reversing blame in an attempt to make it the other partner’s fault. The Gottman Institute says this often escalates conflict.

"Defensiveness is almost my default since having my son," our Family Editor, Stephanie tells us. "I secretly believed I was doing everything wrong, I had no clue what I was doing, and that I wasn't enough so I heard that in everything my husband said to me. A simple observation on our son's latest tantrum would blow up in his face into a full-blown argument because I would take it personally. I can say this now, five years later, but at the time I was shaking with anger and nothing was on the table to discuss because I took everything as a direct hit. It's hard to move that mindset. It took regular therapy to help, and to learn to pause and take a breath before responding."

The antidote: Taking responsibility is the best antidote to defensiveness, according to The Gottman Institute. They say you should "Accept your partner's perspective and offer an apology for any wrongdoing". This doesn't necessarily mean taking full responsibility for the issue, but acknowledging your part in the conflict can lead to compromise, the Institute says.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling is described by The Gottman Institute as "Withdrawing to avoid conflict and convey disapproval, distance and separation". It is usually a response to contempt, and means that rather than confronting the issues with your partner, you will be tuning out, acting busy or turning away. For example, you might use the kids as an excuse to shut down conflict, arguing that you're too busy putting them to bed or getting them dressed for school.

The antidote: The Gottman Institute recommends self-sooting as the antidote for stonewalling. Stop the discussion and ask your partner to take a break, then spend 20 minutes "doing something psychologically soothing or distracting". Examples are reading, listening to music or going for a walk.

After sharing The Four Horsemen and their antidotes on Instagram, followers of The Gottman Institute were quick to praise the advice.

One user wrote, "Beautiful & clear reminder of gentleness around these four horsemen, which otherwise feel a bit scary", while another added, "I appreciate these categories so much! They’ve been very helpful in making my conflicts more constructive."

In other relationship news, here are six questions to ask your partner for a relationship check-in, or try the viral 'Beckham Test' to see how your partner compares to the world-famous footballer. Meanwhile, did you know that divorce after a baby is more common than many people think?

Head into the New Year while building intimacy with your partner thanks to these six check-in questions.

You may have heard of the infamous 'Divorce Day' that falls in the first week of January, but for many couples the new year brings a perfect opportunity to spice up a relationship and start fancying your partner again.

And one of the ways that you can start working on your romantic happiness this year is by having regular check-ins with your partner. While they might not be super sexy, relationship check-ins are an opportunity for you and your significant other to talk about the health of your relationship, show some appreciation for each other and make sure you're on the same page.

There's no better time to reflect on your relationship than the start of a new year, and the experts at Paired - a relationship app that aims to help bring couples closer together - have shared six questions you can ask your partner during your next check-in.

In the video, they said, "This is your friendly reminder to have your monthly relationship check-in, and since it’s New Year, I’ve got six questions for you and your partner to reflect on your relationship in 2023…"

6 questions to ask your partner for a relationship check-in:

1. What was your favourite thing we did together in 2023?
2. What’s one thing you wish we’d done more of in the last year?
3. What are you most looking forward to us sharing in the next year?
4. What areas do you think we could improve on going forward?
5. What would you like to let go of moving into 2024?
6. What are your hopes for where we will be as a couple at the end of 2024?

Over on its website, Paired has explained more about what a relationship check-in is and how it works.

It says, "Good communication is a vital component of a healthy relationship, whether you’ve been married for years or have just made things official. But day-to-day life inevitably gets in the way, and it’s normal for communication with your partner to plateau. That’s where relationship check-ins come in."

It adds, "It can be dangerous to assume that you and your partner are always on the same page about everything, so unless you can read minds, you’ll have to communicate those needs through words. "

Paired has also offered some tips on how to conduct a relationship check-in:

• Tell your partner: Let your significant other know that you’re not trying to test them or pick a fight, but rather it’s a time for the two of you to connect. 
• Schedule it: Putting a time and date in the diary will help you be in a suitable mental space and ensure you’re not rushing through it. 
• Don't criticise: If you need to get something off your chest, address it calmly and avoid placing blame.
• Have fun: Relationship check-ins are a way for you and your partner to connect and appreciate one another, they shouldn’t feel like a chore. Why not make it a part of date night?
• Do it regularly: How often you should check in depends on your unique relationship needs, but it's important to make it part of your schedule.

With Paired, you receive monthly relationship check-ins with your partner and answer nine relationship check-in questions. Once you’ve both answered the questions, you’ll be able to compare answers, see your strength and growth areas, and track your progress.

You can download Paired on the App Store or Google Play.

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Fitting in time to go jogging around work and childcare commitments can help to improve parents' sex lives, according to new research. Here's how...

When you become a parent, there are certain things that you feel like you just don't have time for anymore; grabbing drinks with friends, getting away for a couple's weekend, having sex. The latter is one many can agree with. 

Parents just don't seem to be having much sex. Whether it's a simple issue of scheduling and exhaustion from the responsibilities of the day, or one of the many other listless reasons people aren't having sex, you're not the only person struggling right now. 

But one health study has revealed how a simple activity that can help to reignite your passion for your partner and it's super easy to fit in before the kids wake up, or after they go to bed. It's jogging! Not what you were expecting? Neither were we. But according to Professor Amanda Daley of Loughborough University, the 'fresh and energised' state you get post-jog is the best aphrodisiac out there. 

While you might want to try out all the other tips we have to spice up your relationship before heading out into the winter cold for a run, the professor has strong science to back up her claims. Her advice, which was published by Loughborough University's Centre for Lifestyle Medicine and Behaviour, reads, "The odds of having sex are higher in men and women who are moderately physically active at least once a week, rather than inactive. Feeling fresh and energised can affect people's motivation for sex, and being fitter and more toned could also improve their sexual confidence."

With benefits like that, the couch to 5k challenge looks a little more appealing... Professor Daley adds that physical activities like jogging increase the amount of 'happy' hormones our bodies release, and also gives off more of the so-called 'cuddle hormone' oxytocin, which is known to boost arousal. These two hormones working in tandem can counteract stress hormones like cortisol that make getting in the mood for sex so difficult. 

The stress hormone cortisol, as any parent will know, floods your system after a hard day of parenting. This is likely what's making you feel less than 'in the mood.' But after dinner and once the kids are snuggled down in bed, going for a short run around the block can both reduce that stress and induce the hormones you actually want. 

Plus, if you're struggling to get a little one to sleep, you can go running with a pram as we shared five tips from the experts who do it on a regular basis. 

Continue raeding

A psychologist has revealed how to best navigate parenting your kids with a new partner by using new research that highlights the most important elements for parents to consider when creating a blended family.

The topics of co-parenting and blended families have never been in the spotlight so much as over the past year. With celebrities from Princess Beatrice, who opened up about the struggles of navigating step-parenting, to everyone's favourite A-lister couple Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, who are reportedly struggling to merge their families, candidly tearing down the image of the traditional nuclear brood. 

Now it's in the mainstream, tips and tricks on navigating co-parenting and step-parenting are more easily accessible than ever. And now, a phycologist has revealed the most important elements to consider when merging families with a new partner using research published this year in the Journal of Marriage and Family - and the insight is invaluable. 

Here are the expert's top three takeaways from the research...

1. Define the new parent's role within the family quickly  

Becoming a step-family isn't easy. The study's researchers found that, upon adding a new parent-figure into a family, the structure of the new blended group can feel unfamiliar at first as the new parent's role is largely undefined. 

Because of this, psychologist Mark Travers, writing in Forbes Magazine, recommends defining the new parent-figure's role within the family structure as quickly as possible. By openly addressing the new addition and creating a safe space for everyone to bond, children feel heard and prioritised throughout the change, without feeling forced to accept or bond unnaturally with the new parent. 

Helpful tips to better ease into the transition of becoming a step-family include making sure both the biological parent and the step-parent agree on a joint parenting style so as not to confuse the child or children, and to carve out quality time together in which to do a fun activity so you can bond without pressure. 

2. Make time for parent-child bonding, especially if you and your new partner plan to have another baby

While some research shows that a parent having another child with a step-parent can strengthen blended family bonds, the expert shares that it can also negatively impact parent-child relationships as parents' attentions are now divided between more kids. This is especially prevalent in families where step-children haven't had ample time to bond with their new role models. 

Because of this, Travers recommends to step-parents that they should carve out lots of quality time to spend with their step-children, planning fun activities such as family days out. He also encourages people to  support their partner, both emotionally and practically, to make sure they can also spend time with the kids, so everyone feels respected and loved. 

3. Teamwork, teamwork, teamwork! 

The third and final takeaway doesn't necessarily involve the children at all. When it comes to any type of parenting, whether it's step-parenting or co-parenting, the key is working as a team. According to the phycologist, children benefit tenfold from seeing the adults in their lives working together as unified team and it helps them to build healthy relationships with not only those parents, but other people they will meet throughout their lives. 

For this reason, it's also vital to make sure your ex-partner, the children's other biological parent, and your new partner, the children's new step-parent, meet and can have a mutual respect for one another. 

Boundaries in every type of relationship are important, and a lot of people weren't taught what they are or how to implement them. We ask the experts
for their advice on introducing this important part of your well-being.

Many people aren't aware of the concept of matrescence, despite it being something many will experience, or witness in others at some point in their lives. Similarly, understanding and finding the words to explain the mental load to their partner is something large numbers will struggle with. Setting boundaries in relationships can be equally challenging, as a lot of people will attest to not being taught to do this by their parents, or having it modelled for them in childhood.

In this digital age, it's easy to allow technology into our personal space at the touch of a button, making boundaries even more difficult to maintain. On the other hand, the age of the internet offers more access than ever before to expert minds and research. To be kind to ourselves can occasionally mean upsetting another, and learning to make peace with that when equipped to put up boundaries, can be hard. Dr Limor Gottlieb, Relationship Psychologist, told us "Many people are scared of communicating their feelings and needs to others because they’re thinking it could create conflict and ruin their relationship, but setting boundaries is about creating a healthier relationship. Some conflict in intimate relationships is actually necessary and can bring couples closer together. When you communicate your boundaries make it clear to those around you that you're committed to the relationship."

With further expert help from Life Coach and Boundaries expert Michelle Elman, this article shares advice about the boundaries that exist across relationships and how to identify your boundaries. The experts identify how to set boundaries with your partner and friends, and the specific benefits of having boundaries in your life.

 Boundaries in relationships

As suggested, the term "boundary" is often used, but can sometimes be poorly understood. Boundaries are often not properly-executed due to not witnessing parents or caregivers implement them themselves. Research tells us that imagining a physical boundary as a barrier between two things is not that different to how psychological boundaries work. 

To imagine what a psychological boundary might look like, envisage a barrier around yourself that isn't too rigid, and can be moved when you choose. It will protect you, while maintaining your chosen level of connection to others. It acts as a structure to limit the energy you give others or situations, presenting you with the freedom of choice over obligation, or perceived expectations of others. Your boundary has a gate and you are the keyholder - nobody is getting in or out without your express permission. 

Further advice relating to setting boundaries suggests they're applicable to romantic partners, family, friendships, and the workplace. Maintaining them can actually strengthen relationships and banish unhealthy ones, improving overall health and well-being.

Types of boundaries

1. Emotional boundaries: These take into account the actions of others in respecting your emotional well-being and internal comfort. This barrier prevents the feelings of others overwhelming you, and offers understanding that you’re not responsible for how others react to decisions that promote your personal happiness. 
2. Physical boundaries: Physical boundaries clearly show others your need for personal space, and how much physical touch you feel comfortable with. This isn't limited to those close to you, but is also required when dealing with strangers and colleagues. Examples include making it clear if hugs make you uncomfortable, or preventing others disturbing your living or office space. 
3. Intellectual boundaries: An intellectual boundary protects personal thoughts and opinions. This can include respecting that someone's opinion is different to yours and vice versa, agreeing that everyone has a right to a belief. 
4. Sexual boundaries: Sexual boundaries involve ensuring explicit consent is given before engaging in sexual activity, and checking parties involved in the act are comfortable throughout. Regularly communicating preferences and re-setting expectations about frequency of sexual contact should be an ongoing part of maintenance of sexual boundaries. 
5. Time boundaries: This relates to others being respectful of your time, and you of theirs. This can involve setting limits for how often you see friends and family, and reassessing outside familial obligations if they become overwhelming.  
6. Financial and material boundaries: What you do with your personal belongings is your choice, and you shouldn't feel guilty for not loaning somebody money, or not wanting them to use your things. Somebody perpetually asking for money can cause building resentment. A material boundary can be in place by you letting something be borrowed, but firmly stating when it has to be returned. 
7. Communication boundaries: Boundaries relating to communication seek to manage conflict and arguments. This can include setting rules relating to name calling, and stipulating that past arguments shouldn't be revisited or weaponised. 

How to set boundaries with your partner

It's been suggested there are four main ways to set and respect boundaries with your partner. The first is to use clear communication - identifying as a couple the most important aspects of your life and relationship. What is non-negotiable, and where can you both be flexible? 

Second, on the list is to set clear consequences. Once the initial boundaries are set, you and your partner are responsible for ensuring their success. If either disrespects a boundary, make the consequences known. This could mean taking a time out if an argument gets heated when you've agreed on no shouting during arguments. Following through on a consequence is necessary to ensure boundaries remain respected.

Next, you must both take responsibility. All actions and words have consequences, whether positive or negative. If you've decided on more equal delegation of household chores for example, and your partner still doesn't take their fair share, they aren't taking responsibility for the boundaries you've placed on your time and energy. Tackle the issue with respectful, non-critical communication, and understand that mistakes can happen - especially when healthy boundaries have been newly implemented.

Finally, there's nothing wrong with seeking professional help to assist in boundary setting. A professional can help you identify your boundaries if you're struggling, about your personal needs. They can also teach and establish the best tools to use for communicating your boundaries, and identify if a relationship should end if boundaries are continually disrespected or the relationship is simply not compatible.

Dr Limor Gottlieb, Relationship Psychologist, shared some ways to initiate conversations about boundary setting with your partner. She told us "It’s best to discuss sensitive issues in a calm and private setting, and it has to be at a time that your partner is able and willing to listen.

Avoid discussing sensitive issues during an argument, or while doing other things like driving. It can be in a public setting like over drinks or dinner- face to face is important to connect deeply. I recommend having pre-dinner drinks to discuss serious topics and then have a relaxed and fun dinner afterward."

She added, "You can be direct without blaming, criticising, or insulting your partner, the best way to do that is by using 'I' statements like 'I feel hurt when you say X', or 'I feel uncomfortable when you do X'". 

When discussing time and space boundaries, she continued "You could say 'I value my alone time to recharge. I need to have some evenings to myself. Can we discuss and find a balance that works for both of us?' While for financial boundaries you could say 'Let’s discuss our financial expectations and set a budget together to avoid misunderstandings and make sure we are both comfortable with our spending habits.'"

If you need to discuss your partner's involvement with family life, Dr Limor Gottlieb suggests saying "Family events are important to me, and I’d like us to attend them together, however, I also need some downtime on weekends. Can we find a compromise that works for both of us?"

For conversations about sexual contact, she advises saying "I want to be clear about my comfort level with physical intimacy. I need us to communicate and make sure we are on the same page about what feels right for both of us." 

How to set boundaries with friends

Setting boundaries with friends can be just as difficult as with any other type of relationship. Although important at any stage of life, this can be particularly important for new mums, as It's easy to worry that the relationship could be diminished by boundary setting at a time you need friends the most.

There may also be concerns relating to causing friends to feel hurt and upset. If you're setting boundaries within a very established friendship, it might be difficult for the other person to respect what you're implementing, if they're used to your relationship being a certain way. 

If you are having trouble setting a boundary within a friendship or friendship group, you might consider the following expert advice from Dr Limor Gottlieb:

• Be specific when you express how certain actions or behaviours make you feel as this helps others understand the emotional impact.
• When your friend responds, listen. It’s important to be open and responsive to their perspective.
• This is called "active listening" in Psychology and it encourages open communication and understanding, which can foster empathy.
• It may be necessary to negotiate and find compromises that respect what both of you expect from the friendship.
• A collaborative approach is useful - maintain respect and acknowledge the difficulty your friends might find in this new way of showing camaraderie.

Michelle Elman, Life Coach and Boundaries expert, reminds us "When your boundaries are crossed, you will experience anger and resentment. Those are the emotions that signal you need to reinstate your boundaries and communicate to your friend what has upset you."

Benefits of setting boundaries

Michelle Elman, Life Coach and Boundaries expert, reiterates that setting boundaries positively impacts self esteem, and self-protection. She said "Boundaries are how we teach others to treat us and as a result when you have good boundaries, you strengthen your self esteem. 

You protect yourself against people who want to manipulate or take advantage of you and you also begin to learn what you need and want from your relationships."

By being empowered to free yourself from toxic and unsatisfying relationships, your self-esteem can take a much-needed boost. Overall, setting healthy boundaries can reduce co-dependency by introducing autonomy, and help set firm expectations all interactions with others. The self-respect boundaries bring, has the physical and psychological benefit of separating personal needs from those of others. 

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