A mum has shared an emotional post about her struggles with motherhood – confessing she felt like a ‘fraud’ trying to raise her son.
Sharing a heartfelt account of the months following the birth of her first child, blogger Celeste Yvonne admitted she didn’t know how to be a parent and was ‘in a constant state of fear’ over her son’s safety.
‘There was a moment following the birth of my first child when I came to a powerfully heartbreaking realization… the light switch on how to be a mom would never flip. Worse yet, there IS NO light switch. The assumption I carried my whole life that birthing a baby would predicate a universal understanding on how to raise a child was, in fact, bogus,’ she confessed on Facebook.
‘When it came to raising this tiny, precious, fragile human being, I was more than just unarmed. I was miserably clueless,’ she added.
‘I think I spent the first six months of my son’s birth in a constant state of fear. Is he breathing? Is he eating? Is he choking?
‘I felt like fraud. Trying to convey confidence and self-satisfaction in this role as a new mother many of us dream of since childhood. But nothing was further from the truth. I was drowning in self-doubt, terror, and regret.’
Admitting that she wanted to ‘fast forward to a time where my baby was self-sufficient, healthy and strong’, Celeste revealed that her fear soon turned into guilt.
She continued: ‘It morphed easily to guilt. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve him. My sweet, beautiful baby who I don’t know how to properly care for. Anyone could do this better… It was like a face tattoo and it oozed with despair and self-pity. I can’t do this.’
Celeste also admitted she doesn’t ‘miss those first days’ of her son’s childhood, and she can now finally ‘cherish’ motherhood.
She concluded: ‘I don’t miss those first days. Do I reminisce about old baby pictures? Sure, but I don’t look back. I was scared and fragmented then. I fought back tears daily. I questioned my sanity. I harbored fantasies about escape, vanishing, and death.
‘Only now can I live for the day. Finally I cherish the moment, and it’s pure and beautiful and perfect. This is how I envisioned motherhood and this is what I hoped for in these early dark days. It did not come easy. It did not come intuitively. But it’s here, it’s real, and I’m glad.’
Many other parents admitted they could relate to Celeste’s fears and praised her honesty.
One said: ‘Oh my God! I am so glad I came across you! Your words resonate with me 100%!!!’
Another said: ‘Omg, it’s like I wrote this. I’ve six kids now, but my first was terrifying’, while a third gushed: ‘Loved Every single word’.