‘Go to the toilet with the door closed’ Mum reveals the 30 things EVERY woman should do before having a baby

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  • A mum blogger has compiled an impressive bucket list of the top 30 things all future mums should do before having children.

    Lamenting how the most common advice women get before having babies is to ‘sleep while you can gosh darn it!’, Lauren Dubois, from Australia, writes on her blog The Thud that there are so many other little pleasures in life that you’ve absolutely got to take advantage of before babies come along.

    ‘Ok, yes, you will be tired, but your life will change in so many other ways (for the better, I promise),’ she reveals, before compiling her list of things you might want to do.

    Number one on her list? ‘Take a photo of your face. Really zoom in on your eyes. There may be a day you’d like to look back at your “before” photo.’

    Driving either with obscene music playing, or in complete and utter silence, is also near the top of the list.

    ‘Roll the windows up and enjoy the sound of your own breathing. Don’t scream at anyone and enjoy not answering the same question 473 times.’

    Lauren also misses the moments of using the toilet without an audience:

    ‘Go to the toilet with the door closed. Look around at all four walls and appreciate the complete privacy of having a bowel movement alone.

    ‘Try to really commit to memory what it feels like to not have to discuss your poo with another person.’

    And of course, the pre-baby brain days:

    ‘Walk into a room. Remember why you are there.’

    Lauren, like all other parents, cringes when other people get in her car. ‘Agree to give your friend a lift and don’t panic at the thought of them seeing the state of your car floor,’ is number 13.

    After a week of crushing myself into very fitted and heavily boned evening wear, I feel I've gained an insight into the lives of women in the 17/1800s. Those poor bitches lived in pain. Actual history: Martha, this corset is BULLSHIT. I can't even bend over to bath the baby Tell me about it, Agnes! My kid fell face first into the water and I had to hook her out with my feet. Don't even get me started on putting my fucking kids' shoes on. As if that shit show isn't hard enough. This corset's got to go. And that's how mum fashion evolved into the Lycra clad utopia it is today 🙌 #thudhistory #actualhistoricconversation #ipromise #truefacts #quoteme #boningistorture #poorbitchessuffered #ivesuffered #feelsorryformeplease #frocktober2016 #faceoffrocktober #frocktober #thudfrocks

    A post shared by ⚡️LAUREN 'MUM' DUBOIS⚡️ (@thudandpop) on

    The enjoyment of silence is also something Lauren says every mum takes for granted – and not just in the car.

    ‘Don’t talk,’ she writes. ‘Even if it’s just for an afternoon, enjoy not listening to your own voice.

    ‘Enjoy not having to discuss the meaning of life every four minutes. Revel in being able to carry out simple tasks without providing a running commentary of every muscle moved.’

    Being able to accessorise without the fear of having an appendage ripped by a curious little person is also a fond memory for mothers everywhere. ‘Wear all your dangly earrings,’ Lauren states.

    Not even simple pleasures like basic hygiene and a warming drink can be guaranteed once motherhood strikes. ‘Shower every day’ and ‘Drink your tea while it’s still hot&’ both make the list.

    Dabbling with danger is an action that Lauren can only dream about now.

    ‘Put a pair of scissors really close to the edge of the bench,’ she instructs. ‘Put a glass on the coffee table.’

    ‘Put a plate of food in front of someone and let them judge the temperature for themselves. Feel the adrenaline surge through your veins.’

    Buying clothes at a shop that only sells clothes is also on the list. ‘Buy yourself some clothes from a shop that doesn’t have trolleys out the front,’ writes Lauren.

    Other activities such as giving your partner and pet your undivided attention, putting chocolate biscuits on the table without having to hide them, and watching your house stay clean all make the list too.

    Finally, Lauren urges future mums everywhere to indulge in thinking about themselves, and only themselves.

    ‘Spend one final boring day thinking about yourself and how you might fill your day and get ready for the greatest, most hectic adventure of your life.’

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