Puberty and menopause are two huge health milestones, where our bodies go through some of the most challenging and significant changes. These transitions mark the beginning and the end of our reproductive cycles and for most people can be something of a hormonal roller coaster. To add in a bit of extra stress, in many households, teenagers and their mums will be going through these changes at the same time.
Women usually start the shift to perimenopause during their mid-to late 40s and then reach menopause a few years later. The NHS says the average age for puberty to start in girls is 11 and age 12 for boys. If you had your children in your 30s, as many women in the UK do, this means a decade or so later, hormones could be raging among a large proportion of your household.
Mood swings, anxiety and low self-esteem, plus the bodily changes associated with both puberty and menopause, mean that while both the child and parent are going through similar issues, they might struggle to support each other. We spoke to some mums to find out their tips for coping with this complex time in their lives.
Coping when menopause and puberty clash
1. Communicate
Puberty is a time when teenagers can be notoriously reluctant to communicate. If you combine this with peri-menopausal and menopausal symptoms like mood swings and anxiety then it can cause resentment and anger to build, on both sides. As with all challenging times as a parent, sitting down to have a rational and honest conversation will help avoid conflict.
Mum Emily Beckloff says: “My daughter started her periods just after mine stopped, which, quite irrationally, made me feel very old and sad.” Beckloff’s experience is really common, but speaking to your child about these feelings will hopefully help them understand what you’re going through.
Menopause specialist Dr Louise Newson says there are ways to avoid tense times at home: “Open communication is crucial here. By discussing what you're both going through, you can foster mutual understanding and patience. Explain that while hormones might be causing emotional ups and downs for both of you, it’s important to remain respectful and supportive.”
Beckloff says this is something she did: “Our teens are unusually lovely, and I’ve always made keeping communication open a priority, which I think helps all of us. For me I’ve really welcomed the opportunity to talk with our teens about how to deal with annoying situations or behaviour in a kind and empathetic way.”
2. Laugh about it
We know pubescent teenagers can be quite sensitive, especially when it comes to things like spots, hair growth or otherwise, but keeping things light will help everyone.
Beckloff says keeping a sense of humour really helped her and her family: “They've been really understanding and patient, even though they get frustrated listening to me repeat myself. In between moments of exasperation, we’ve had some good laughs about my hot flashes, ridiculous choice of words (because I can’t remember the word I’m looking for), and my obsession with having a portable fan in every corner of the house!”
3. Share how you’re feeling
As we said above, you and your child will probably be experiencing similar symptoms so why not talk to each other about it? Dr Newson says: “Acknowledging that you’re both in challenging phases of life can bring you closer together. Also talking together about ways of seeking help and treatment may be useful.”
Mum of three, Lucy Baker, who blogs as Geriatric Mum, says, while getting to grips with her symptoms has been tough, it has also been nice to go through it with her teenage daughter. “I can read the signs in her so clearly so I know what she needs and when. I feel more in tune with her than I ever have, which is actually quite beautiful. I am not sure she would describe it as that, but I feel like our moods match and so we know how to look after each other,” she says.
Dr Newson says it’s important teenagers know about menopause, especially as it was something of a taboo subject for many women growing up in the 1970s and 80s. “We now openly talk about menopause and hormones which really helps and have conversations with each other and more importantly with their friends and other people. My older two daughters, who are 21 and 20, are constantly talking to their friends’ mothers about the important role of hormones and often educating them about how safe and effective HRT is,” she says.
4. Accept it’s not going to be easy
Many of us are used to trying to put a brave face on things when life is so busy. But it’s important to accept that this is going to be a tough stage of your life. Baker says it took her some time to work out what was happening to her body and it affected her relationship with her kids.
“I have, at times, lost my sense of humour and my usually relaxed, carefree attitude to life and this comes at a cost,” she says. “I have stormed out of the house, driven to a local place and sat in the car and cried in the past, and my daughter brings that up occasionally. I clearly remember once being in the car and having a tete-a-tete with my eldest and telling her to get out of the and driving off! I look back with a sense of humour now at how quickly I lost my temper (it was done safely btw) but at the time, I was full of anger and I actually couldn’t cope. I was taking everything personally and feeling like her typical teen behaviour was too much to bear.”
Parenting expert Kirsty Ketley says telling your kids what you’re struggling with really helps. “When I’ve had a menopausal moment, I own it and my kids understand that they need to take on some of the remembering responsibilities, that they can’t always rely on me! This has really not helped them become much more responsible, but taken the pressure off me, too and it is definitely something that I recommend to other mums, who struggle with the yukky brain fog and memory loss,” she says.
Share your feelings and struggles with your partner and friends. There will be times when it will feel overwhelming so having a good support network around you is important.
5. Look after yourself
This follows on from the point above. It is not going to be an easy time so it’s important you look after yourself mentally and physcially - and to have some space from your teenager. This could mean carving out time every week to exercise or do something just for you, or going out with your partner or friends. Speak to your GP about the treatment options open to you so you can manage your symptoms, and tell your work if you need time off or to make changes to the way you work.
Mum of two and menopause trainer and therapist Louisa Hussey went through early menopause at age 37. She has a 13-year-old stepson and seven-year-old daughter, who was born via an egg donor. She says: “We as working mums are knackered from trying to do everything, and society dictates we must. However, I reject all of that - take something off your plate, cross off half of your to-do list and take time away from everyone regularly!”
Ketley agrees that time away from your family can be really beneficial: “This really helps when your tween or teen is hormonal. It helps you have more empathy for them, while reducing those hormonal clashes with each other. I think it’s good to make your tween/teen aware if you’re having a particularly bad day, as most will have some level of understanding, as they are going through similar.”
6. Embrace the changes
Menopause is no walk in the park but seeing the positive side to finishing your periods and moving into the next phase of life is something a lot of the mums we spoke to believed was important. Baker says: “The main thing I want to share here is it has helped me to understand myself and work on my understanding of life and being a woman and a mother. I love to talk and share and I work hard on making sure my children, and the people around me know it is ok to talk – no matter how bad or ridiculous you think something is. This process has made me a better, more grounded person and a better talker.”
Hussey says one of the positives for her “is that it's forced me to choose an easy life. I don't argue over homework at all. If they put up a fight, then that's that. I am not prepared to argue or battle anything that will exhaust me. So I guess I'm a pretty chilled parent now!”
Speak to your GP if you’re worried about any of your symptoms or want to discuss treatment options. You can also seek advice through The Menopause Charity or Menopause Matters.
We spoke to the following experts
Louise Newson is a physician, menopause specialist and member of the UK Government’s Menopause Taskforce. She is also an award-winning doctor, educator, and author, committed to increasing awareness and knowledge of perimenopause and menopause. Described as the “medic who kickstarted the menopause revolution”, she has empowered a generation of women to have a greater understanding, choice and control over their treatment, bodies and mind.
Kirsty Ketley is a qualified Early Years and parenting specialist with a wealth of knowledge and experience from over 25 years of working with children from birth to the teenage years. She offers a parent consultation service where she gives support, reassurance, help and advice on all areas of parenting.
