It's normal for children to tell lies, but it can frustrate parents. A psychologist has shared her insight into the unpopular habit and how to unpick why kids do it.
We all want our kids to grow up to be honest people, but the fact is that kids, like adults, lie - so if you often catch your little one telling porkies, don't worry, it's totally normal. But despite the fact that lying could actually be a sign of intelligence when done at a young age, it can be a frustrating habit for parents to deal with and one you likely want to put a stop to fairly quickly.
We all want our kids to grow up to be honest people, but the fact is that kids lie - so if you often catch your little one telling porkies, don't worry, it's totally normal. But despite the fact that lying could actually be a sign of intelligence when done at a young age, it can be a frustrating habit for parents to deal with, and one you likely want to put a stop to fairly quickly.)
Fortunately, child psychologist and author of parenting guide Good Inside Dr Becky Kennedy has shared how parents can respond to children's white lies. And if you often see red when you catch them out, it turns out getting to the bottom of why kids lie is key to breaking the cycle.
On Instagram, Dr Becky explained that becoming angry or shouting when your child tells a lie is a normal response, but "these reactions rarely lead to our kid telling the truth." Instead, this usually results in children doubling down on their lies or shouting back at you.
She adds, "We have to get curious about *why* our kids lie in the first place. The truth? Kids lie to preserve their connection with us." Dr Becky explains, "Kids are wired to pay close attention to what keeps their parents close and what pushes them away".
So, for kids to be honest with their parents, they must feel that telling the truth will bring more connection than distance. Therefore, the way you respond to a lie can build trust and connection and reduce the likelihood of lying in the future.
Dr Becky gives a couple of examples of common lies that children tell and how parents can respond:
- Lie: "I didn't knock over the tower! It just fell" Response: "If someone, not you, but if someone did knock over a tower, I think I'd understand. Having a brother/sister is hard. Sharing is hard. If the knocking down ever did happen, I might be upset but I'd definitely first give a hug and then try to understand and help. If you happen to want a hug right now, I'd love to give you one."
- Lie: "Yes, I did all my math homework!" Response: "Well, I got an email from your teacher saying most of the work was missing. Listen, you're not in trouble. What I care about is our relationship, not your homework. I'm guessing something about the work felt tricky and something about talking to me felt tricky. I'm hoping we can talk about it and, I promise, no lecture, I want to listen and understand."
Many of Dr Becky's followers approved of her advice, with one commenting, "Thank you for this. This was the right time for me to read it. My 6 year old started lying recently and I didn’t know how to address it".
Another reflected on their own lying habits as a child, writing, "Woah. I’m a whole grown adult and this is the first time I ever considered that I didn’t just lie constantly as a kid/teenager because I was a terrible person."
But not everyone was convinced, with one user commenting, "Hmm but homework is important... I don’t know how I feel about this - a kid should know they are in the wrong if they didn’t do their homework or if they were mean to another kid".
In other parenting news, one expert has claimed that kids 'learn nothing' from being told to say sorry - here's how you can teach them to apologise in different ways. Elsewhere, psychologists swear by this acronym to navigate those tough parenting moments and this is why your teenager thinks you don’t understand them - and how to respond when they yell ‘You don’t understand me!’ in an argument.
