This is why your teenager thinks you don’t understand them - and how to respond when they yell ‘You don’t understand me!’ in an argument

Everyone's favourite child psychologist Dr Becky has revealed the best way to respond when your teenager shouts "You don’t understand me!" during an argument.

Parenting teenagers is hard. When a child hits teenagehood, a whole new set of parenting challenges are thrown your way; you worry about what to expect when your teenager starts dating, you struggle to get them to take your advice, and things are made even more confusing by the teenage slang they talk in - though we've got you covered with the meanings behind 123 terms your teen might use. 

So when, in the middle of an argument, a teenager shouts "You don't understand me!" it can be hard to stick up for yourself and say it's not all the way true. 

But child psychologist Dr Becky has now shared her top three tips to respond to the statement and reminded parents that, no matter how hurtful it can, it's a natural part of childhood development for teenagers to argue like this with their family. 

"Here’s an inconvenient truth," she said on her Instagram. "As our kids get older its developmentally appropriate for them to separate from us. And this is also true: It’s developmentally appropriate for us to have feelings about that."

She explains that as teenagers grow up, they're rightfully exploring the new freedoms that come with that. As parents, it's important to let them do this so they can grow into independent, successful, and confident adults. But this often means learning how to navigate the sadness that comes with that for a parent as it feels like teenagers are pushing you away. 

But it's important to remember that your teen, while keen for freedom, is still coming to terms with their new independence. While you're wondering why your teenager won't talk to you anymore and searching for teen conversation starters, your teenager is probably wondering how they can approach you with new problems that they've never had to talk about before.

So, she says, when a teenager says "You don't understand me," it's important to remember that "The truth is in the feeling, not in the words." What she means is, "While this statement feels like your teen is pushing you away and creating distance, underneath these sharp words is a plea for closeness, to feel understood."

So how do you respond? "Don't take the bait," Dr Becky says. "Responding back with, 'Yes I do! What are you talking about?" or 'It's not like you make it easy!' will only lead to escalation."

Secondly, take time to regulate yourself. It's easier said than done to learn how to calm down quickly when parenting gets a bit too much, but it's important to take a deep breath and stop yourself acting on impulse. "Remember," Dy Becky says, "Our calm is contagious." 

Finally, connect with you teen. "The goal is to connect to the plea under the sharp words," the expert shares. "Simple share 'I want to...I really want to.' Pause, look at your child lovingly and watch the moment soften."

Parenting a teen? Keep up to date with family news like this is the real reason why your teenager is sleeping in late, and it’s not because they’re lazy - here's what the experts told us, and reflective parenting could help your teenager manage their big emotions, new research shows - here are 5 steps to try. Plus, new research has revealed that nearly half of teenagers are concerned about having children - and there are two huge factors making them worry.