Helping kids is 'stealing their self-esteem' says expert and here are three reasons why that's true

We should allow our children to face challenges and solve problems on their own without jumping in to help them, says an expert. 

As a parent, it can be hard to get the balance right between helping your children out and letting them develop the skills to manage things on their own. There are helicopter parents, who hover over their children all the time, permissive parents, who have minimal rules and let their children do almost anything they like, and of course all sorts of parents in between. Even teachers have said that it can be good to let children fail, and now an expert suggests we shouldn’t be helping our children too much. 

“Don’t do too much for them,” says Dr Daniel Amen on the Pursuit of Wellness podcast. “This is very important. If you do too much for them, you will steal their self-esteem. So, when they give you a problem, don’t go fix it for them. Give it back to them and then shut up.”

3 reasons not to help your children

1. Kids become competent when they solve their own problems: If you have low self-esteem, you’ll get self-esteem from solving their problems for them. However, if you let your kids solve their own problems, they’ll become better at doing so. 
2. Children who work or have responsibilities have stronger self-esteem as adults: A Harvard study spanning 70 years involving over 400 children, found a strong link between childhood self-esteem and early work experience, so helping kids could affect them in the long run. You don’t need to send your kids off to work, but you can give them the freedom to work on things themselves at home. 
3. Letting your children face challenges boosts resilience, independence and self-worth: If your child faces a challenge on their own, and comes through it, they’re likely to feel better about themselves as a result. And rather than ‘stealing’ their self-esteem when you do it yourself, you can feel proud that you’re raising such a resilient, independent child.

“So, help them be responsible by not rescuing,” Dr Amen sums up. “Too often, successful people rescue and they don’t realise they’re stealing the child’s self-esteem.”

Of course, there are times when it’s important to help our kids. If a child is in danger, it’s important to help them. But if your child is safe and trying to do something age-appropriate, why not let them work it out for themselves? Rather than jumping straight in when they’re stuck on their maths homework and solving it for them, see if they can figure it out, or resist offering more than a quick pointer. 

In related news, this is how early childhood 'shapes us', while here are five things to say instead of 'I'm disappointed in you' to teens. Meanwhile, mothers supported by maternal grandparents are less ‘strict and controlling’ according to a new study, and groundbreaking new research reveals a surprising link between neurodivergence and chronic fatigue in kids.