5 things to say instead of 'I'm disappointed in you' to teens, according to an expert

A teacher reveals why telling teenagers you're 'disappointed' in them and their behaviour isn't a healthy parenting tactic - and shares what parents should be saying instead. 

Speaking to teenagers can be tricky no matter the topic. Their love for confusing teenage slang can create a barrier in conversation and their go-to argumentative phrase 'You don't understand me!' can turn disciplining their bad behaviour into explosive arguments. 

But when you are trying to curb bad behaviour in teens, it's likely you've found yourself returning to the phrase, 'I'm disappointed in you.' It's one that you probably remember your own parents using when you'd done something to upset them too - but an expert has now revealed why parents should avoid the term completely. 

Taking to Instagram, full-time classroom teacher and social-emotional learning advocate Katie Plunket posed the question, "Why not say 'I'm disappointed in you?' Especially if it works?" 

Wasting no time, she explained, "Because it’s judgmental. And judgment isn’t an effective discipline strategy long-term. It can breed resentment and low-self-esteem in the long run."

She added, "While common and perhaps effective in curbing unwanted behaviour, this phrase can also harm a child's self-esteem and strain your relationship. It focuses on identity rather than behaviour, potentially leading to shame and negative self-perception. Addressing behaviour constructively without judgement is a better approach." 

So what should parents say instead? Katie recommends; 

1. "I noticed this was tough. Let's figure out how to do it differently next time."

Explaining the alternative term, Katie shared, "This focuses on problem solving and supports the child in learning from their mistakes without making them feel like their worth is being judged."

2. "I see that you made a choice that didn't turn out well. How can we fix it." This term, Katie says, "Encourages accountability and emphasises that mistakes are opportunities for growth, rather than reasons for disappointment." 

3. "I'm concerned about what happened. Let's talk about why it occurred." By expressing concern instead of disappointment, this helps the child maintain their self-esteem while also working on their behaviour. 

4. "Let's think about another way to say that. How can we express it more kindly?" Helping the child to reflect on their behaviour in this way, the expert says, will help improve their decision making as well as their empathy and communication skills. 

5. "Rules can be tough. What questions do you have about them?" Katie explains, "This acknowledges potential frustration and invited questions encouraging understanding and open communication. It shows you're willing to help, making it easier for them to comply." 

Speaking exclusively to GoodToKnow about Katie's insight, Emma Loker, a child and adolescent psychotherapeutic counsellor and founder of MindWrite said, "Katie Plunkett hits the nail on the head with this. When you say, 'I’m disappointed in you' to your child, it communicates that you hold expectations of your child, and they’ve fallen short. It also tells them that you're judging and blaming them. Most detrimentally, they end up internalising the message, 'I’m not good enough'."

She added, "What’s more, disappointment isn’t the feeling, it’s your reaction to what happened. I like to think of it like this: you have a stack of cushions. Disappointment is the top cushion, but take that away, and you have all the deeper feelings underneath; Pain, shame, confusion.

"Pinpoint the emotion underneath disappointment, and communicate this to your child instead, using the 'when…I feel…' technique. For example, 'When you lie, I feel upset because honesty is important to me and it helps us trust each other'.”

For parents of teens, we've got tonnes of family news that can shed light on your child's behaviour. From explaining what a 'brat summer' is and why is your teen saying the phrase to sharing whether or not university degree worth the money as a new study reveals nearly half of parents don’t think so, we've got you covered. Plus, “You don’t need to have all the answers” says a psychologist who has revealed how to talk to kids about tragic news stories.