If you're feeling insecure in your relationship, take a look at these six healthy habits practiced by people in a secure partnership - introducing them could make a difference to how you feel.
When you're tired, busy parents, creeping worries can appear in your relationship. You might want to spice up your relationship if it feels stuck in a rut, but don't have the time or know where to start. If you find yourself often de-escalating conflict with your partner, there's a chance you could start feeling insecure about the strength of your relationship.
If you want to take a look at your relationship and cleanse it of behaviours that breed insecurity, there are healthy ones you could implement instead. To understand more about good quality relationship traits, we spoke to BACP registered counsellor, Katie Rose. Katie tells us "Taking the time to be self-reflective and curious about what's going on in your relationship can help you understand your response from a new perspective. Ask yourself, do I always respond in the same way? Do certain situations feel more difficult to navigate than others?" By making this reflection, Katie shares how to introduce healthy behaviours into your relationship if you feel insecure.
6 healthy relationship habits to help you feel secure
- Understand your triggers. If arguments are a frequent part of life with your partner, Katie suggests working out why each side might not react rationally. This involves working out which words and phrases trigger arguments, and how to reframe them to prevent the response that continues or sparks the same quarrel on repeat. Katie shares "In an argument, you might notice that you or your partner responds to something in a way that triggers something from a different time. So, for example, in an argument, your partner loses their temper, and shouts, it might remind you of another time, when you were made to feel small, or 'not good enough.' We might respond from a childlike place of fear or shame, rather than as an adult, able to take their grievances into consideration and look at it rationally."
- Don't just consider your own perspective. It's a partnership, right? That means both sides need to consider each other's needs and perspectives. Katie tells us "Sometimes we look for people who meet what we perceive to be a deficit in ourselves. So if you feel like you're always serious and methodical, someone who's fun and spontaneous might seem really appealing. As we grow up and take on more responsibility, the thing you valued in them becomes less appealing - who needs fun and spontaneity when life needs systems and processes. What happens if you try to step into their frame of reference, and see things from their perspective?"
- A daily gesture of kindness. It's possible when you first got together with your partner, compliments and sweet gestures flowed. These naturally ebb away as the relationship ages, and re-introducing small acts of kindness is a healthy habit to develop. relationship psychologist John Gottman, found happy couples build kindness into their relationship and make it a priority. He found carrying out small acts of kindness daily boosts happiness and compassion levels, and lowers stress.
- Be honest about finances. Katie tells us changing opinions relating to finances can result in conflict and insecurity. She advocates having regular and honest conversations about your financial situation, telling us "In the early, honeymoon stages of a relationship, we don't have to worry too much about the other person's values and behaviour. So, for example, someone who likes the finer things in life might seem really exciting, after all, they're offering you extravagant holidays and smart restaurants. Whether they think that money is there to be spent, or saved for a rainy day isn't particularly important when you're just dating. However, once you're in a more established relationship, navigating issues like finances and parenting might become much more stressful. It's important to have these conversations and sound out your partner regularly. Find the areas that you do agree on and build from there. In most areas, there's room for compromise."
- Be curious. Like we said, that initial need to find out everything about each other in the early stages of a relationship feels us with joy at the thought someone is interested in who we are. Although you might feel you know your partner inside out, keep trying to be curious about them - we change and evolve and there's always something new to be learnt. Studies show curiosity in another person creates greater emotional intimacy and better sensitivity to each other's needs.
- Share the mental load. This really can't be stressed enough, especially as it's usually women bearing the brunt of the mental load when it should be an equal part of a relationship. Katie tells us "Women tend to carry the mental load - that is, the long list of things that you have in your head that needs doing at all times - the food shopping that needs to be done, birthday presents for the party at the weekend, trousers that need shortening, the after- school classes that need to be booked and paid for. This can also lead to resentment in a relationship. Try to divide tasks up more evenly. Even if you feel that you can do something better or quicker than your partner, giving them the opportunity to do it, still relieves you of some of the work, and shows them just how much you do."
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