What is ‘gray divorcing’ and why are couples doing it?

There's been a rise in the practice of 'gray divorcing,' and we take a look at exactly what this is, and why couples are making the decision to do it.

There's many reasons people stay in unhappy marriages. Staying together for the kids can be true even for those whose children are at university, and sometimes the idea of taking the plunge and getting divorced can only happen once the nest is completely empty. 

Talking to kids and grandkids about divorce can also be awkward, and along with the fear of being alone and the hassle of splitting up, means going through with separation is often put on the backburner. However, it seems some are having an epiphany and getting divorced in these later stages of life, in a phenomenon being deemed 'gray divorcing.'

What is gray divorcing?

According to Psychology Today, a 'gray divorce' is the rise in the phenomenon of older adults calling time on their marriage. Although this usually refers to those over the age of 50, research shows there's a current spike in divorce for those aged over 65. sometimes these are the couples who've stayed together for many years when they shouldn't have, thinking they'll weather the storm until the end - until they realise to be truly happy they need to take the plunge and separate.  

On other occasions, these are couples who have been happily married, but have a sudden epiphany later in life that they've grown apart or want different things. Ending their relationship can be a surprise to those around them, who might deem them to be a solid couple.  

Essentially, people are finding this phenomenon shocking, but people can learn what does or doesn't make them happy at any stage in their lives. It shouldn't be shameful that they act on this later in life - it should be celebrated because it's very brave to start again when you're heading towards, or starting retirement. Everyone should feel free to pursue the happiness they deserve.

Why are couples gray divorcing?

The same research outlining what gray divorce is, also suggests the two key reasons for late life divorce include: Staying together while growing apart, and simply realising there's no other way forward than to end the marriage.

That's a very simplified version of the reasons - to expand on this, most people describing divorcing due to growing apart suggest they'd experienced infidelity, abuse and/or incompatibility at some point during their marriage. This process provided motivations for divorce, but the couples stayed together because they had young families, or reasons relating to societal norms and comfort. 

Realising the marriage has to end often stems from moments of clarity and decisiveness about getting divorced. Older couples suggest this happens when they realise they're finally in a financially better position to be alone and sociocultural norms meaning divorce is no longer frowned on in the way they would've been brought up to think it is. 

These couples gain the emotional maturity to understand they're no longer in love and want to enjoy the remainder of their lives either alone of finding happiness with somebody else while they still can.

Ginny got divorced at 70. She says "I married in my early 20s, had three children and when the children were small we were so happy. Then, my husband began being unfaithful. He wasn't quite as happy being in a marriage and having a family as I was and he looked elsewhere for some sort of fulfilment. I overlooked it because I didn't want to upset the children and knew we wouldn't have the lifestyle we enjoyed without him.

We plodded along once the children went to university, and even when they started having families of their own. But while this happened, the resentment that had built in me for so many years peaked, and I felt nothing but rage and almost disdain for my husband. I just struggled to even be pleasant to him, but still stayed because divorce seemed so huge and also a big hassle. Until I just snapped one day. I was so unhappy and on my 70th birthday knew I wanted more from my final years. The divorce process was quicker and easier than I was expecting, and I've never been happier."

For more on relationships, if you keep arguing with your partner, a therapist reveals one phrase that could save your partnership. Other ways people try to save their marriage include explaining the mental load to their partner, and the interesting concept of 'sex fasting.'