Picture this common scenario: a challenging parenting situation comes up (which is inevitable) and your knee-jerk reaction might sound something like this: “go to your room!” or “no iPads for a week!”.
If you follow a tiger parenting style, threats and consequences might be how you were taught to discipline your child, but more evidence is stacking up that a gentle parenting approach (without shame, blame or punishment) could transform behaviour and boost your little one’s confidence in the long-run. Instead of removing privileges or taking away something your child values, Dr Becky Kennedy is an advocate for a connection over correction approach when it comes to ‘bad’ behaviour. In her latest Instagram reel (find her @drbeckygoodinside), the parenting psychologist and author of Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming The Parent You Want To Be, reveals three reasons why punishments don’t really work.
3 reasons why punishments don’t improve kids’ behaviour
- Punishments don’t build skills: Children are born with a full range of emotions but lack the skills to effectively manage them, leading these emotions to manifest into bad behaviour. “The way to improve behaviour is always to build skills and punishments never do this,” says Dr Becky.
- Punishments add shame: When we constantly implement consistent and corrective actions, like taking away a toy or not allowing your child to have dessert for the next three nights, it can make them ashamed of themselves: “Shame leads to a frozen state, and if a kid is in ‘freeze’, they can’t learn, they can’t grow and change,” explains Dr Becky.
- Punishments reflect to a kid that they’re a bad kid: Children react to the image of themselves that we reflect back to them, and that’s how they build their identity. The mum-of-three advises: “We can’t be saying to a kid ‘go to your room’; ‘what’s wrong with you’, and then expect them to improve their behaviour. Kids have to feel good inside before they bring out that goodness as good behaviour.”
Dr Becky’s post was flooded with praise from parents who agreed with the psychologist, like this comment: “yes! And thank you for such valuable content, amazing and definitely a life changing book and podcast!”, but users were also interested to know how they can get a partner on board if they believe punishments are the only way. Another agreed and said: "is this a guy thing??? My husband does the same. I hate it. I don't parent like him, but it feels "wrong" for each of us to do our "own" way of parenting since we are a family that lives together." Understanding that punishments might not be the most effective approach in guiding children requires a shift towards compassion and empathy, and by doing so, we not only build stronger connections with our children, but also create a nurturing space where they can learn, grow and thrive.
Learn more about the different parenting styles to find one that suits you and in other news, should we just let kids do what they want? See the reaction to being a 'yes' mum.
-
How to play with Barbie dolls: 6 ways to use the iconic doll as a positive role model at homeIf you have a little one who loves to play with Barbie, there are lots of positive ways in which you can encourage them to play in a way that helps their development and self-esteem. We’ll show you how.
-
Think you're raising a mini-me? It's actually unlikely your child will inherit your personality and could have a temperament closer to a 'random stranger', according to new studyIf you often hear the phrase 'like mother like daughter,' or 'like father like son,' research suggests you're actually only slightly more likely to share familial traits than with strangers.
-
What is ‘sturdy parenting’? Child psychologist Dr Becky explains the benefits of this techniqueIf you're at a loss when it comes to disciplining your kids, sturdy parenting might help - and it's approved by child psychologist Dr Becky.
-
3 tips to set screen time boundaries from parenting experts Dr Becky Kennedy and Professor Emily Oster - and #1 is an important reminderStruggling to set screen time boundaries with your kids? Parenting experts Dr Becky Kennedy and Professor Emily Oster have shared three top tips.
-
Could 'lazy parenting' be the next big thing? 2 psychologists share why it can be beneficial for development, but not everyone agrees'We need more lazy parents' and here's why, according to two child psychologists
-
Parents, do you know what H.E.L.P. stands for? Psychologists swear by this acronym to navigate those tough parenting moments we all faceRemember: Halt, Empathy, Limits, Proximity...
-
Sticker charts 'don't work in the long run' says psychotherapist - try these 8 tips to teach kids intrinsic motivation insteadOne expert has explained eight things you can do as a parent to help your child develop intrinsic motivation - and it means abandoning the sticker chart.
-
Reflective parenting could help your teenager manage their big emotions, new research shows - here are 5 steps to tryThe teenage years are tough for everyone involved. But research has suggested that an approach known as 'reflective parenting' can be the key to reconnecting.
-
These 5 'game changing' phrases can teach your children about the mental load, according to a psychologist - and it could set them in good stead for adulthood"Change at home can change society"
-
'You can quit... but not today' - the game-changing words to use when your kid wants to give up a sport, according to an Olympic gold medallistOlympic gymnast Nastia Liukin has shared the words her parents told her whenever she wanted to quit - and you can use them too.
