Strong willed teens don’t need to be ‘tamed,’ they need to be nurtured - expert shares how

It might surprise parents when their strong willed child remains that way into the teenage years - instead of crushing this part of their temperament, an expert shares how to nurture it.   

Parenting teens can be as difficult as raising a baby, and those in the throes of this tricky time of child-rearing realise that teenagers need their parents more than ever. Some experts are even calling for 'teen-ternity' leave and support groups for parents similar to the antenatal and mother and baby groups that would've been available to them when their teens were babies.

You often hear parents of young children talking about them being 'strong willed', and also speak of this as something that will pass. However, more parents are making a realisation - strong willed children can become even more strong willed teenagers.  Jess VanderWier is a registered Psychotherapist and mum of three, who specialises in supporting parents and families. On her popular Nurtured First Instagram account, Jess shared how she supported a family who had a poor relationship with their strong willed teen. 

The parents described to Jess how their 16-year-old daughter never listened to them, calling her 'always stubborn and strong willed.' All the advice they had until that moment told them to 'break her will' to earn her respect. They turned to Jess for the best advice on how to do this. Instead, Jess asked them when they last felt connected to their daughter.

Having gone to Jess looking for ways to punish [maybe change punish to change] their daughter, the parents were baffled that she'd suggest connection. However, they agreed to spend one week nurturing and forging connections with their teen, and tried the following suggestions.

How to connect with your strong willed teen

• Sit together while your teen watches one of their favourite shows on TV.
• Ask your teen to show you how an app or their favourite social media works.
• Ask them questions about their day.
• Cook their favourite dinner.
• Surprise them with an after-school trip to their favourite cafe or ice cream parlour.
• Tell them how much you love them.
• Talk to them with respect.
• Try and eat dinner as a family.  

Jess reports that just one week later, the parents returned to her in tears, seeing huge changes in their daughter. They said "In our 16 years of parenting, we've never experienced as much joy as we did last week."

They added "We snuggled her, she told us how she felt, we laughed. Even in the tough moments when she wouldn't listen, we still had some good conversations. We've learned so much about our daughter. We didn't know how hard things were for her at school. We've never had this type of relationship with her before."

Jess wants parents of strong willed teens to remember the following points: 

• Timeouts, threats and taking things away won't 'tame' your child.
• Using punishments as discipline won't work in the long-term.
• Kids get bigger and stronger - they will push back or shut down when parents use these methods. 

Many people in the comments resonated with the post, with one commenting "I wish someone could have told my parents this. I remember so vividly how desperately sad they made me feel during my late teenage years when life was hard enough to navigate - the silver lining is that I learnt from them how not to treat my own children when they reach that age."

Another shared "It’s beautiful to know we can still do better if we mess up, even if its well into the teenage years. I have been 'messing up' for about 3 years now and hope to repair the damage I’ve done."

For more on teens, we have advice if you're worried about a teenager that will not socialise, and our experts share how to talk to a teenager. We also asked teens what they wish their parents had done differently, and their answers were surprisingly candid.