Maternal health expert Clio Wood knows that discovering who you are as a mother, especially the first time, can take a while - it’s not like you create new life every day, after all.
Part of finding out who that new post-birth person is, while learning breastfeeding tips, is about embracing your pre-baby identity, and melding them together with your new needs, wants, and desires as a new mother. Getting to grips with your sexual identity in motherhood is a massive part of your physical and mental identity shift. Your relationship might feel different now, physically but also emotionally, too.
Goodto.com Family Editor, Stephanie Lowe agrees; "I feel like no one really talks about just how much having a baby changes your relationships, with everyone, but especially your spouse. I was blindsided, we basically became roommates for the longest time. And, five years in, we're still trying to figure out who the new us is."
Even if you want to ‘get back to normal’, it’s hard to know how, or even where to find the energy, to do so. You love each other, but you hate each other. You’re supremely tired, and, one more thing, your body feels like it’s conspiring against you, especially if you're breastfeeding. Your sex drive can dwindle, because of the falling oestrogen levels. They leave your vagina feeling dryer than usual and the lowered progesterone levels can mean your libido takes a nosedive. All of this means your sex life may not be top of its game. And, breastfeeding - or using a breastpump - releases the happy hormone Oxytocin, the same hormone hit you get during an orgasm. Except for this time you’re getting your high from that 3am night feed. In short, your body doesn't feel like your body belongs to you and it's acting up in ways you never knew were possible... here are the five feelings you may have and how to navigate them for when you feel like re-claiming your sex life (remember there really is no rush, go at your own pace).
1. Hosepipe boobs
We’re all different, but for most of us, the milk letdown can be quite the dairy geyser. It can be especially unpredictable in the first few months when we’re getting used to our baby’s hunger levels and needs, and once baby gets bigger and start demanding increasing boobfuls, the initial letdown of milk can feel even more powerful. I have enough soaked t-shirts to testify to that.
Breast milk letdown is caused by the release of oxytocin - sometimes known as the 'Love Hormone'. It’s why hearing your baby cry can cause your boobs to leak, and why looking at pictures of your newborn can help you to express more milk. Oxytocin is the basis of love and attachment to your child. It is also, however, the same hormone that is present in other types of love - such as between you and your partner and during sex. Which means that your boobs are likely to do their thing, whilst you’re also trying to do your thing.
Solution: Wear a bra during sex. Treat yourself to a new bra that a) fits your new postpartum boobs plus breast pads, and b) is fancy enough to make you feel special, rather than your well-loved breastfeeding bra. Wearing a bra contains stray milk jets, so it will make you more comfortable handling your new milk-cannons in the bedroom. Choosing a fancy one should make you feel a touch more sexy too, which can be a much-needed boost in the postpartum months.
2. Super sensitive
For many of us, our breasts played a large part in our sex lives pre-baby. Breasts are some of our most important secondary sexual characteristics, they certainly get a lot of airtime in films, TV and magazines, and they’re a part of our bodies that can make us feel most like a woman. So it can be difficult to come to terms with the fact that those boobs, so much a part of your sensuality pre-baby, now play a much more functional role.
Your breasts can be hyper-sensitive and even painful, particularly when full of milk, and even susceptible to mastitis. They can be chafed and sore from feeding…and they can just not feel sexy any more.
Solution: It’s ok to avoid your breasts completely during sex. Let your partner know that you’re not ready for them to be touched intimately. Taking the possibility off the table will make you far more relaxed, and relaxation is important for you to feel any kind of pleasure during intimacy. Try focusing on another area of your body instead, give your neck or shoulders some love, you might find that you prefer it too.
3. Painful sex
The breastfeeding hormone, prolactin, can reduce vaginal lubrication which may mean that penetrative sex is painful due to increased friction. So if sex felt different for you the first time after birth, this could be why. During early motherhood, we couple this with increased dehydration (due both to breastfeeding and, ahem, forgetting to drink enough water) and increased stress levels (due to, well, the baby) both of which can also affect our natural lubrication.
Solution: Personal lubricants are your best friend to tackle dryness, don’t be ashamed to use them! These days there are many wonderful options too. Be sure to choose one made with natural ingredients and, preferably, organic. I recommend Hanx and Yes Organics as two really good options.
4. Feeling touched out
Breastfeeding also means that you’re likely to physically have a baby on you for the majority of your day. Even if you’re not breastfeeding, you’re likely to be carrying a baby, then a toddler, around with you a lot. We kiss and cuddle our kids, and they need a lot of physical contact, but that means that when we’re faced with romantic physical contact, it can feel just a bit too much.
Solution: Spend time on your own without the kids. Yes, date nights are wonderful, and their time will come, but having some distance from both your other half and your baby/kids is your first priority, for you to feel like YOU again, and to give you time to miss being touched too.
5. Postpartum body image
Our bodies are marvels. We literally transform during pregnancy, birth and in the postpartum period. But the enormity of the physical transformation can sometimes prove difficult to come to terms with, mentally and emotionally. What we’ve done is amazing, but the cultural perception of women’s bodies before and in motherhood often suggests otherwise. We feel we need to ‘bounce back’, lose ‘baby weight’, or hide stretch marks instead of flaunting them with pride. This can lead to a lack of confidence in our bodies, and in the previously reliable role of our breasts.
Solution: Give yourself time. It might take a while, but you will feel better in your body. Proper rehabilitation and fitness training can even mean you’re stronger in motherhood than you were pre-pregnancy, and if your body is different or softer, that’s more than ok too. It doesn’t mean you’re any less beautiful.
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