‘I look at her and feel my heart piecing back together’ Mum opens up after welcoming baby daughter a year after losing her baby son

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  • A mum has opened up about how the birth of her daughter helped her grieve for her baby son – who died almost one year before his sister was born.

    Mum Mikhailla Glossat and her fiancé Edward were dealt a tragic blow when their son, Foxx, passed away just three days after his birth from the bacterial infection Group B Strep (GBS).

    Writing in her blog about the heartbreaking experience, Mikhailla said: ‘It’s hard, reliving the memories over and over again. Questioning every part of my pregnancy and birth but trying not to blame myself. A year on, I don’t blame myself. I don’t blame anyone.’

    My birth/Foxx's story is now on my blog. I wanted to remember it for all the good, before I shared the pain. I feel that these words below sums up perfectly our feelings. We are hurting, but we are staying strong. "When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland." #groupbstrep

    A post shared by Mikhailla (@mikhailla) on

    The mum continued to explain what happened, saying she was tested for the condition, but the test came back negative.

    ‘Five hours after birth he presented ill after all initial vitals showing he was healthy and perfect. He was admitted to NICU and put on antibiotics and shortly after began fighting for his life. Three days later he lost that fight. I have felt pain but nothing can compare to the pain of losing your own child before they even have a chance’, she wrote.

    But just one month later, Mikhailla discovered she was expecting again and just 14 days before what would have been her son’s first birthday, she gave birth to daughter Elle Fitzgerald.

    ‘I look at her and feel my heart piecing back together. It was life’s way of helping me to grieve because it was allowing me to still be present with my emotions of the loss of our son before beginning to enjoy the pregnancy with our daughter’, she told Daily Mail.

    ‘Every now and again I would feel her kick though at unexpected times and I remember sometimes sitting in my chair at work and a tear rolling down my face not with sadness but pure happiness because for the first time I was feeling joy through all this pain.’

    Understandably, Mikhailla revealed that she felt a ‘little nervous’ and ‘anxious’ through certain stages of her second pregnancy.

    She added: ‘It was an easy going pregnancy with everything going well but some little nervous things along the way. At 30 weeks I felt a change in movements and became anxious. I think you just become open to the fact that there is so much that can go wrong and it does make you more nervous knowing you’ve been exposed to the worst kind of pain before… you really fear feeling that again.’