The 15 types of mum you find on Facebook

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  • Are you the worrier, the moaner or the lurker on your timeline? Now, thanks to our handy guide to the types of mums you find on Facebook, you can find out!

    We bet you’ve got ALL of these in your feed – and if you don’t recognise one of them, chances are it could be you…

    1. The addict

    Your timeline is about 75% this mum. She’s never found without her phone in her hand, and every event simply must be documented, whether it’s a morning beverage (‘Made a cup of tea, lol!’) or a trip to the local park. She’ll flood your feed with pictures, news stories, memes and the like, to the point where you end up seeing her profile pic more than your own. Her index finger must be permanently sore from all of that uploading – but you can always rely on her to like and comment anything you post within 30 seconds of it going up (well, there’s nothing like feeling popular, is there?)

    2. The creative queen

    Quirky, crafty and constantly posting pictures that fill you with jealousy, this mum is either some kind of robot that doesn’t need sleep, or has far more free time than we could ever dream possible. Her (well-lit, totally staged) snaps of all of her latest creations are gorgeous, but sometimes you do have to filter them out of your timeline, lest the kids see the amazing Frozen cake she’s made for her child’s birthday and start asking you to recreate it. FYI kids, if your mummy tried that, you’d end up with something like this:

    Image: Instagram

    3. The ‘Mary Berry’

    A purer strain of the creative mum – she’s on Pinterest too, but she’s only been looking at the recipe boards. She’s the absolute magician in the kitchen, and not only do her kids have hot-dog octopuses with healthy spiralised courgetti for tea every night, she also shares pictures of the never-ending supply of impossibly incredible cakes coming from her oven on a daily basis. Whenever you look at her profile, your diet is instantly ruined, as you have to find and consume some kind of chocolately baked good immediately. She, incidentally, never seems to gain a pound – just like…

    4. The slimmer

    … the slimmer mum, whose status updates will either be pictures of her dinner, Slimming World certificates, or screenshots of My Fitness Pal for that day (with all of the numbers green, obviously). She’s a big fan of motivational memes like this…

    Image: WordPress

    … but sadly, you always seem to come across her posts after you’ve eaten a family size packet of biscuits. Life works in strange ways, no?

    5. The moaner

    Nothing is EVER going right for this mum. She’s skint, the kids are being naughty, the school (or some other body of authority) has screwed her over and her family, friends and partner are all being a pain in the backside – usually simultaneously. She’s also the absolute master of the passive aggressive status update – ‘Argh, SO annoyed!’ she writes, but when some kindly soul enquires if she’s okay, she just says ‘Yeah’ and never actually explains what she’s annoyed about in the first place. If you’re the kindly soul, and find yourself asking ‘What do you want from me?!’, the answer is attention. Just attention.

    6. The VERY yummy mummy

    HOW DO YOU LOOK GOOD IN EVERY SINGLE TAGGED PICTURE, YOU BEAUTIFUL SELF-ESTEEM RUINER? This is the type of woman that when you’re scrolling through your feed, your husband will stop you and ask ‘Who’s that?!’ – and on top of that, she’s geniuinely lovely, so you can’t even hate her for it.

    We curse you, yummy mummy, but it’s only because we all wish we looked that great. Please tell us all of your glossy hair secrets immediately.

    7. The brazen boaster

    Every mum thinks her children are brilliant, but this mum takes it to a whole new level. When she’s not posting a picture of their certificate from assembly that morning, she’s sharing snaps of them in their uniform for football club/dance class/drama group, or one of the other million after-school activities they’re excelling at. And to be honest, there’s only so many medals you can ‘like’ before your brain starts automatically blocking anything gold and shiny. Everything her family does has to be the best – to the point where she has been known to take a photo down if she realises one of the children has a stain on their dress, and then repost it half an hour later, with little Maisie in an entirely different outfit #awkward

    8. The humblebragger

    Basically the above, without the unashamed bolsh. ‘Oh, I just don’t know where we’re going to find space for Joshy’s latest trophy!’ she’ll write.

    We bet you could think of a few places…

    9. The homeworker

    It might be Avon. It might be Tupperware. It might be Juice bloomin plus – but whatever it is, this lady is on a mission to sell you something, and she will not rest until you know her entire back catalogue and postage and packaging prices by heart. Plus, if she’s not trying to flog her wares to you, she’s actively trying to recruit you into the fold. If you get a good one, she’ll hook you up with tons of cheap lipstick and more plastic tubs than you can cram into your cupboard – but when it’s bad, you’ll want to throw vitamin supplements at her head in the playground (childish, yes. Satisfying? INCREDIBLY).

    10. The worrier

    You know the kind of mum who shares those ‘FACEBOOK IS GOING TO START CHARGING YOU TO YOU USE THEIR SERVICES’ messages every week without fail? That’s this kind of mum. She’s constantly panicking about the latest crazy teen fad or sharing scaremongering stories about product recalls and food poisoning from the local takeway. She means well, but needs to take it down a notch. Okay, several notches. Just breathe, worrier mum. It’ll all be okay.

    11. The smart alec

    When you post a news story, she’ll post a link underneath explaining why it’s wrong. When you tell a story, she’ll post a comment underneath explaining why YOU’RE wrong. When you spell something wrong, she’ll be the first to notice, and she won’t be shy about telling you, either. You know she’s just trying to be helpful by spreading the gospel of correctness, and most of the time, she IS (annoyingly) right, but secretly you can’t help but think that she’s the adult equivalent of the child at school who just will not put their damn hand down.

    12. The PDA

    If you had a penny for the amount of sickly statuses you’ve had to endure from this mum, you’d probably be living in a mansion by now. This lady just cannot get enough of her man, (hubby, fella, babe, hunny, sweetie, etc) and she wants the world to know – even if the world don’t wanna hear it. She’s usually found dedicating slushy songs to them or posting about how great they are on her timeline, but every now and then, she’ll post selfies of them snogging like teenagers, or status updates about their sex life that you wish you could unsee. Big fan of emojis. Especially the hearts.

    13. The TMI

    Most likely to post status updates about any bodily function – whether it’s hers, or the kids. This is the kind of lady who really, really likes you to know when she’s on her period, the cat has been sick, or the baby’s done some kind of truly horrendous poo – sometimes, disturbingly, with photographic evidence.

    In summary, if only sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting ‘LALALALALA’ worked online.

    14. The lurker

    Never likes, comments or shares anything. But she’s always there, and when you tell her what you’ve been up to, she’s like ‘I know, I saw on Facebook!’ WHEN? WHEN WERE YOU EVEN ON THERE, LURKER MUM?

    15. The pet mama

    Image: Baxterboo

    She doesn’t actually have kids, but she’s got a puppy that she loves just as much.

    And let’s be honest, the pictures are equally as cute.

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