Even the happy shrieks of my child make me want to beg for quiet. Psychotherapist and mum of three, Anna Mathur, talks about noise sensitivity in parenting and explains why it's totally 'normal'.
My kids are playing in the garden, running, shouting, squealing. And instead of a feeling of warmth and gratitude at the happy noises of my kids, my body is tensing and I’m having to stop myself asking for quiet. I feel a wave of shaming guilt. ‘You’re a mum. They’re your kids. You should be happy they’re playing nicely’. This feeling isn’t rare for me. The riding of a hot wheels car over a radiator vent find me wanting to beg for silence. And don’t even start me on the noise of meltdowns, fighting in the backseat of the car, or the squeaky playing of a whistle given in a party bag. If this resonates in any way, you’re not alone.
So, as a Psychotherapist, I did what I always do. I applied my understanding of Psychology to my own experience hoping that I might have some insight that will help others. Read on to find out why you feel like this along with ten quick tips to help ease the feeling.
What is noise sensitivity in parenting?
It's when you feel overwhelmed by the every day - or out-of-the-ordinary - noises that being around children means. It's feeling sensitive to the steady stream of questions, their humming, laughing, whinging or singing.
When I shared a poll on social media about whether others experienced noise sensitivity out of the 2,363 respondents, 2,295 people related. So, we can conclude, that noise sensitivity is common and is not a statement of a lack of love, tolerance or gratitude for your child.
Side note: If you experience this type of sensitivity all the time, you might have misophonia - abnormally strong reactions to everyday sounds that may usually go unnoticed. Noise sensitivity can also be a sensory symptom of autism or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. If this is the case, this article will help, but in addition, you may need a referral to an ear specialist to explore any physiological causes, and to discuss a care plan with your healthcare practitioner/Doctor which may include CBT or other therapies.
When is noise sensitivity likely to occur?
Noise sensitivity signals that nervous system is feeling overwhelmed, or you’re depleted in some way. Therefore your brain is struggling to determine what noise is ‘safe’ or ‘threatening’. It might be that you are experiencing an overwhelming level of sensory input, and your brain and body are craving space and quiet as the antidote, but either those things aren’t available, or you are continuing to overload yourself with noise and information by choice (constant music playing a scrolling). You may find you are more sensitive to noise when:
- You’re experiencing hormonal shifts such as PMS, perimenopause or menopause
- Sleep quality is reduced by drinking alcohol, sleep deprivation, insomnia, unsettled kids!
- You have increased levels of stress hormones
- You are feeling overwhelmed
- You are feeling run down or unwell
Basically, the crux of the matter is that you haven’t morphed into a raging, intolerant, unloving person, you’re just feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated and therefore your brain is registering new stimulus as threatening and triggering the nervous system stress response further, finding you wanting to fight or flee. Knowing this fact is so pivotal. When we stop getting frustrated with ourselves, and find some clarity, we are freed up to do things that help.
What can I do to reduce noise sensitivity?
Well, as we know, the main antidote to overwhelm is rest, refuelling, recovery, re-grounding. The opportunities are few and far between, often needing to be planned or negotiated. It may well be that the things that will help increase your capacity to process the noises around you are the very things that are tricky to find in early motherhood – space, rest and quiet! But don’t fear, I have some tips for you that will help regardless as to whether you can access these things in the moment or not.
First and foremost, it is vital that you find some compassion for yourself. When you lurch into self-criticism and self-talk that sounds like ‘you should be more patient’, then you’re less likely to seek supportive tools and resources that will help give your nervous system what it needs to feel safer and less triggered. My book ‘Raising a Happier Mother’ is packed with ways to address the overwhelm that comes with parenting, that don’t include stepping away from it.
I know it’s hard to prioritize rest and space when you are constantly in demand, but think about how you might make this happen for yourself, even if it’s in a small way. Noise sensitivity over your usual tolerance level shows that your body is in a state of overwhelm and stress.
Here are some small ways to refuel:
- Close your eyes for ten minutes to gift yourself some sensory deprivation.
- Listen to a guided meditation or some calming music.
- Give yourself some tech-free time each day.
- Take a quick (or long) walk round the block, alone if possible.
- Verbalize your feelings to someone, even if they can’t help.
- Go to bed early and read instead of scrolling.
- Use a single earplug, or Loop earplugs.
- Breathe mindfully. Inhale for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 6.
- Cut out alcohol and lessen caffeine to nurture your nervous system and increase quality of rest.
- Offer yourself kindness. These moments of overwhelm are physiological and not about love!
So, next time you find your body bracing at the noise around you, firstly remember that it’s not reflective of who you are or how you love, but most likely a symptom of depletion or overwhelm. Softening the guilt and shame will allow you to find a small (or large) way to meet the depletion or overwhelm. You’re not a bad mum, you’re a tired one.
📱 @earsurgeonjoe to learn more about your 👂 health
📺 The Overwhelm and Burnout sofa session on my website
🎤 The Therapy Edit podcast episode ‘On why the loud parenting chaos feels stressful’
If you liked this then check out Anna's other great, and insightful articles. The most recent on mum rage will make you feel seen, and the 5 most common grandparenting fails will make you realise it's not just you. Plus her heartaching piece on regretting motherhood shares five brilliant ways to respond to that feeling.
