A psychotherapist has revealed the best way to set boundaries with your kids, highlighting the importance of constructive and respectable wording when drawing a line under certain behaviours.
Nearly all millennial parents think their approach to parenting is ‘better’ than previous generations, but that doesn't mean parenting is anything less than difficult. Even with all the new parenting styles popularised online and the parenting tips that are so readily at our fingertips thanks to the internet, there are certain aspects of parenthood that are, simply, just hard to navigate.
Setting boundaries is one of those harder aspects. With the new focus on gentle parenting that so many families rely on today, saying no or drawing a line under certain behaviour can be hard with the softer approach we want to take, the approach we hope will not destroy kids’ confidence like so many other parenting choices.
Psychotherapist Nawal Mustafa, known as TheBrainCoach on Instagram, knows this struggle and has, thankfully, shared how she believes people should be setting boundaries. By using simple explanations and soft language that kids can understand, appreciate, and follow, she hopes setting boundaries can be made easier for parents.
Instead of saying something like, "Don't speak to me in a disrespectful tone," when your child is laughing in your face as you reprimand them or you're wondering why your kid is being rude, she suggests trying to say, "I will finish this conversation when you aren't raising your voice."
Similarly, "Don't call me at work," she says, is not a boundary. "I can't answer your calls during work hours because I lose focus," is a better way of wording it as you're explaining the reasoning behind your boundary, giving your child an understanding of where you're coming from.
"Boundaries are personal rules or limits that you establish to protect your wellbeing and maintain healthy relationships," Mustafa explains. "However, our boundaries should not focus on controlling or dictating the behaviour of others. This isn’t the purpose of setting boundaries."
Instead, boundaries should 'focus on your own behaviour and what you will or will not tolerate.' They are not, the expert says, about trying to change or control others. Good boundaries communicate your needs, preferences, and limitations without attempting to dictate or control the behaviour of others.
With that in mind, rather than saying, "I don't want to speak to you right now," the expert suggests to try wording your boundary in a way that communicates your need at the time, "I need some time to cool off. Let's talk tomorrow?" And instead of the controlling, "Stop telling me how to live my life," she suggests saying, "I am not looking for advice. I have this figured out, thanks." It's easier said than done in the heat of the moment but, alongside tips to quickly calm down when parenting gets a bit too much, it can be doable.
Parenting expert Iben Sandahl, known as TheDanishWay on Instagram, loved Nawal Mustafa's advice and took to her page to praise the expert's tips. "Many of us are scared of upsetting people or making them mad, or we have learned it is better to ignore our own boundaries for the sake of family peace," she said.
"On a subtle level, we worry our parents won’t like us if we say no or speak up. And that is why setting boundaries can be hard. But boundaries are super important, and it is essential to teach our children how to set them too."
She added, "Setting boundaries isn’t always easy, but it is worth it. It helps us build healthier relationships and feel more confident in ourselves."
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