Soft play hell: 14 traumatic questions every mum will ask

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  • It’s Saturday afternoon and you think you’ll treat the kids to a day at the soft play area. Well that’s your first mistake.

    For some reason, every time you leave that place your memory seems to be wiped of how horrendous it really is and you only remember when it’s too late, when you’re actually there already and there’s no getting out.

    Here are the 14 hellish stages  of the soft play area every mother will know…

    Sorry, how much for two small children and an adult bystander?!

    When did play become such big business? Any why do I have to pay to watch, I’m not playing?

    Why are those lights so bright that they hurt my brain?

    Great, now I definitely won’t be able to find my kids in the crowd…

    Who turned up the volume of every kid in this room?

    Excited, over-tired, miserable, ecstatic – whatever emotion they’re feeling, they’re feeling it LOUD.

    Why is everything so bright?

    There are other colours other than SUPER BRIGHT PINK and FLURO YELLOW you know.

    OK, where’s my child?

    Ah, lost in the ball pool which is probably filled with some other child’s urine – perfect.

    Erm, can your child to stop bullying mine?

    If you don’t get them to stop. I will. No one touches my baby!

    So, how did you hurt yourself?

    Not just one of them, every child you take with you will injure themselves, probably at the same time. Which they’ll obviously react to sensibly and calmly…

    Why did I give them sugar?

    Their boundless energy will never, ever end. Until they crash in the car and cry all the way home, of course.

    Are you sure you can’t get down from there yourself?

    There is no way I am fitting through that tube with my dignity in tact…

    Why is everything so sticky?

    Why does everything have to be made out of what appears to be super-glue covered plastic?

    Why does my head hurt so bad? (stupid question)

    I am never, ever coming back here! (Exactly what you said last time).

    Why is everybody here SO irritating?

    Even my kids are starting to irritate me and I love them, most of the time.

    How will I get them out of here?

    Children will never, ever want to leave a soft play ever – you knew this before you came in.

    Where’s the bloody exit?

    It’s a maze, I’m trapped – no wait, FREEEEEEDOMMMMMMMM

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