Relationship experts say there are four signals that a relationship is on its way out, but they've also revealed the antidotes.
Relationships can be hard, and as anyone who has been through the demise of one knows that wondering why you've gone off sex and searching for ways to spice up your relationship can sometimes be signs that things aren't right. And parents will know that it can be hard to find a moment together to reconnect amid busy family life, making relationship work even more difficult.
But there are ways to tell if things are on the wrong track, as Drs John and Julie Gottman know. World-renowned for their work on marital stability, divorce prediction and parenting issues, the psychologists co-founded The Gottman Institute, which takes a research-based approach to helping families create and maintain greater love and health in relationships.
And according to the Institute's research, four communication styles can predict the end of a relationship. These have been named 'The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse', using the metaphor from a depiction of the end of times in the New Testament. They are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
However, according to The Gottman Institute it’s not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. And they've named four antidotes for The Four Horseman, to help get your relationship back on track.
'The Four Horseman' of relationships
1. Criticism
Defined as "verbally attacking personality or character", criticising your partner is different to offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The Gottman Institue explains, "It makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt, and often causes the perpetrator and victim to fall into an escalating pattern where the first horseman reappears with greater and greater frequency and intensity, which eventually leads to contempt." We get that, as a parent, it can be easy for criticism to creep in - you'll both have different ideas about how you want to parent your kids, and sometimes these can clash. But there are ways to manage this conflict when criticism rears its head.
The antidote: 'Gentle start-up' is the term The Gottman Institute uses to describe the antidote for criticism, which they define as, "Talking about feelings using 'I' statements and express positive needs". They say that in order to formulate your start-up, think of these two things: What do I feel? What do I need?
2. Contempt
Contempt is "attaching sense of self with intent to insult or abuse". The Gottman Institute says contempt goes beyond criticism and assumes a position of moral superiority over the partner, and is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about them. Examples include sarcasm, ridicule, calling names and eye-rolling. Parents will know that after a particularly stressful day it can be hard not to let your frustrations overwhelm you, but the way you manage these feelings is key.
Our Family Editor, Stephanie Lowe, recognised contempt in her relationship when her son was a year old. "Being the default parent, I was the one researching tips and advice and behaviour insights with my partner, telling him what was working at the moment only for him to forget instantly, or sharing Instagram posts that he never read. I could feel the contempt creeping in. Instead of seeing it as me and him, I had an air of superiority and would sneer with disdain whenever he did anything wrong, because 'that's not how I do it'... I had to rectify that, and it can be hard to come back from. It took a lot of chats and agreements."
The antidote: Appreciation is the antidote to contempt, according to The Gottman Institute. They say you should "Build a culture of appreciation, remind yourself of your partner's qualities," they add: "find gratitude for positive actions". Regularly expressing appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner can create a positive perspective in your relationship that acts as a buffer for negative feelings.
"It’s not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship."
The Gottman Institute
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is "Victimising yourself to ward off a perceived attack and reverse the blame." It's typically a response to criticism, and usually involves reversing blame in an attempt to make it the other partner’s fault. The Gottman Institute says this often escalates conflict.
"Defensiveness is almost my default since having my son," our Family Editor, Stephanie tells us. "I secretly believed I was doing everything wrong, I had no clue what I was doing, and that I wasn't enough so I heard that in everything my husband said to me. A simple observation on our son's latest tantrum would blow up in his face into a full-blown argument because I would take it personally. I can say this now, five years later, but at the time I was shaking with anger and nothing was on the table to discuss because I took everything as a direct hit. It's hard to move that mindset. It took regular therapy to help, and to learn to pause and take a breath before responding."
The antidote: Taking responsibility is the best antidote to defensiveness, according to The Gottman Institute. They say you should "Accept your partner's perspective and offer an apology for any wrongdoing". This doesn't necessarily mean taking full responsibility for the issue, but acknowledging your part in the conflict can lead to compromise, the Institute says.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is described by The Gottman Institute as "Withdrawing to avoid conflict and convey disapproval, distance and separation". It is usually a response to contempt, and means that rather than confronting the issues with your partner, you will be tuning out, acting busy or turning away. For example, you might use the kids as an excuse to shut down conflict, arguing that you're too busy putting them to bed or getting them dressed for school.
The antidote: The Gottman Institute recommends self-sooting as the antidote for stonewalling. Stop the discussion and ask your partner to take a break, then spend 20 minutes "doing something psychologically soothing or distracting". Examples are reading, listening to music or going for a walk.
After sharing The Four Horsemen and their antidotes on Instagram, followers of The Gottman Institute were quick to praise the advice.
One user wrote, "Beautiful & clear reminder of gentleness around these four horsemen, which otherwise feel a bit scary", while another added, "I appreciate these categories so much! They’ve been very helpful in making my conflicts more constructive."
In other relationship news, here are six questions to ask your partner for a relationship check-in, or try the viral 'Beckham Test' to see how your partner compares to the world-famous footballer. Meanwhile, did you know that divorce after a baby is more common than many people think?
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