I’m a child psychologist - this 2-step technique will stop your kids answering back… and it sounds so easy

We've spoken to a child psychologist and parenting expert about how to handle kids who answer back, and she shared a simple two-step tip.

Deciding what approach you want to take when disciplining your child is just one of the many dilemmas parents are faced with. Depending on which of the parenting styles you feel works best for you, it might change the way you approach arguments and bad behaviour. Those who opt for permissive parenting or neglectful parenting styles might brush off confrontation from their children, but if you lean more towards tiger parenting or helicopter parenting styles then you might be more inclined to choose punishment.

A common behaviour that can be particularly frustrating for parents is answering back. It might be your two-year-old yelling "No!" or your teen responding with "Whatever" - either way it can be hard to know how to respond. As a parent, you want to teach your kids good manners and how to be respectful to others, but it's easier said than done.

As GoodtoKnow Family Editor, Stephanie Lowe, says, "Holding your proverbial together with no sleep, no time to yourself and a petulant under-developed child pressing all your buttons isn't easy. Sometimes staying calm is harder than it used to be."

With this in mind, we've spoken to Dr Ana Aznar, child psychologist and founder of REC parenting, an online platform that provides support to families throughout the entire parenting lifecycle. She shared her expert insight on how you can handle the situation when your child is answering back, and her two-step advice is surprisingly simple...

How to stop your kids answering back

1. Keep your cool

"If your child answers back, try to keep cool and calm and don’t go down to their level." Dr Ana tells us. "If when they say: ‘Whatever’ or ‘You can’t make me!’ while rolling their eyes, you reply by saying: ‘You are such a brat’, things will probably escalate and you are not setting a very good example of how we should talk to one another."

Instead, Dr Ana explains that you should say something like: 'That is not a very nice thing to say. Let’s think of a different way in which you could reply because I am sure that you don’t like it when people talk to you that way'.

She adds, "As much as possible, try to respond this way every single time they talk that way. If they learn that you are not engaging, that there is not going to be a fight, they are more likely to quit it. In the end, this is a power struggle and two are needed for the struggle to happen."

2. Offer them a choice

For those who want to get to the root of the problem, working out why your child is answering back can help you better manage the situation in future. Dr Ana explains, "Sometimes children answer back because they feel they have no control over the situation they are in."

‘I am not going to bed!, or ‘I am not getting in the car!’ are examples of how this might manifest. In these situations, Dr Ana says that parents should offer the child a choice, to give them some power. For example, ‘Do you prefer to wear the blue or the red pyjamas?’, or ‘Do you prefer a banana or an apple?’

"By doing this, you are giving your child some degree of power and they are less likely to talk back and rebel," she explains, adding, "Having said this, this doesn’t mean that you have to let them choose absolutely everything!"

And while Dr Ana's advice may not work for you every time, having a tool to turn to when things get heated can help you manage difficult situations going forward. Over time, you might see your child's behaviour change for the better.

For a final word of advice, Dr Ana tells us, "As with every aspect of parenting, consistency is key. Always tell your child that it is wrong to answer back and why. Teach them that it is great that they have an opinion and that you value it, but that they must learn to voice their opinions in a polite manner."

She adds, "This way you are helping them to internalise the message, which is the ultimate goal of disciplining our children."

Dr Ana Aznar

Dr Ana Aznar is a child psychologist, author, speaker, and the founder and CEO of REC Parenting, an online platform supporting parents in their parenting journey. In this time of high pressure, when many parents think that they have to be perfect all the time, Ana provides data-driven advice so that parents can make informed choices when raising their children. She believes that by supporting parents, we help to raise well-balanced, kind, and resilient children, who are the future of our society. Ana has four teenage boys.  

For more on parenting styles, we've explained gentle parenting and therapeutic parenting too. Meanwhile, one parenting expert has revealed her discipline hack for kids of all ages, and we've looked at the Three Day Nanny's top tips and tricks for disciplining your kids.