Every year, it’s always the same. The big day arrives, and, as predicted, dad sinks back into his yearly Christmas Day habits.
It’s not like you’ll even be dealing with just one of these Christmas Day dad types. Some have been known to embody almost all of these characteristics, just to keep us on our toes. Joy.
They’re complex creatures, those festive fathers, but we think we’ve covered every type you may come into contact with this Christmas.
Are you dealing with a different Christmas Day dad and want to share your experiences? We’re here for you. Comment below.
1. The empty promiser
Every year he looks at you puzzled as to why you look like you’ve just completed a triathlon, while balancing a turkey on your head and continuously making conversation with your mother in law. And every year he says he will help out. Where is he now that the brussels need peeling? Can you say EastEnders Christmas Special?
2. The early riser
There’s hushed excitable whispering, rustling of wrapping paper, floorboards creaking and doors opening… and the sound of the kids moaning that it’s not time to get up yet. And yes, 7am is too early for a bucks fizz.
3. The snoozer
Well he has been up all night assisting Santa with his present delivery, so he really does deserve that rather long and very snore-y nap on the sofa. (We won’t mention the fact that his only assistance was taking care of Santa’s whiskey disposal.)
4. The born again barman
Why do you think it’s acceptable to mix beer, wine (red and fizz), brandy and that liquor we brought back from holiday two years ago just because it’s Christmas? And where in god’s name did you find cocktail cherries and advocaat – is that even in date?
5. The big kid
‘Here you go I’ll open it for you!’ ‘No you just have to press the button and tap this lever.’ ‘Pass it to me I’ll show you.’
2 hours, later dad’s still playing and the kids are watching Elf.
6. The wannabe games show host
Move over Jeremy Paxman, there’s a new game show host on the scene, and this one means business. (By business we of course mean he won’t read the instructions, cheat the whole way through, shout out all the answers and get grumpy when he loses.)
7. The grazer
Every Christmas we find ourselves staggered at just how much the man can eat. Is it normal to have chocolate gateaux, smoked salmon, cheese and another helping of trifle all on the same plate, and only two hours after lunch? Apparently so.
8. The frantic tidier
Wow, we should incorporate masses of wrapping paper into our everyday lives just to see this much dedication to dealing with recycling – he’s like a man possessed with that bin bag. Can we unwrap the present first please?
9. The mover
How is it humanly possible to not only have so many old CDs, but to remember all the words too? Darling, we are not on Top Of The Pops. Now please sit down before you put a hip out.
10. The fashion icon
Honestly just where did he even find those reindeer socks and that snowman jumper? And don’t even get us started on the antlers he’s trying to accessorise with the paper hat that hasn’t moved since lunch.
11. The joker
That’s so weird because we didn’t find that joke from last year’s cracker funny at the time, so hearing it recycled this year is an extra joy to behold. And now you’re going to snort while you read everyone else’s cracker jokes? Brilliant.
12. The retro TV lover
Okay we love Only Fools and Horses as much as the next person, but must we really sit through the same episode again every Christmas? Yes? We must? We must.
13. The amateur photographer
With an emphasis on the word ‘amateur’. Is it just us or is there something truly unnerving about having every aspect of you tucking into Christmas dinner and opening pressies captured in the most unflattering way possible? Just. Put. The. Damn. Camera. Down.
14. The professional carver
Never in the history of the world has a person been more dedicated to the cause of turkey carving. There’s three knives, a type of small electric saw, two chopping boards and a hell of a lot of mess.
15. The grump
Yes, my mum and dad do have to come this year. Yes, I would like you to walk the dog after you’ve peeled the spuds and make a cup of tea. Yes, that’s how much kids’ toys cost. Oh, you like your new iPad do you? Oh good. (Victory.)