Why I’m convinced men have more to do with the UK’s falling birth rates than women do

Our family editor Stephanie Lowe on why it's time to stop blaming women for falling birth rates - and start addressing the real issues.

I’m so sick of women shouldering the blame for the UK's declining birth rates. The reality is, the male-dominated political parties and ‘decision makers’ of this country are having a huge impact on why having a baby isn’t an easy choice anymore.

Let’s get the numbers out there first. The UK's birth rate has reached its lowest level since records began in 1938. In 2021, the fertility rate was 1.58 children per woman, far below the replacement level of 2.1. Just this month, the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) revealed that the average age of people starting IVF treatment surpassed 35 for the first time. Now, I get it, these numbers may seem 'the human race is dying out' scary, but it's not women who are at fault here.

It’s curious how the narrative always blames women who "choose" not to have children, ignoring that double the number of men in parliament are making decisions about childcare, flexible working, and NHS priorities. And if a woman does choose a child-free lifestyle, that's okay too—it's called body autonomy. The decline in birth rates stems from rising house prices, living costs, childcare expenses, no 'village' and static wages. Bringing up a baby is just too hard to do.

Disclaimer: Motherhood hit me like a freight train. It was never on ‘my list’ of life achievements (they included ‘owning an electric blue Citroen Saxo’ and ‘becoming a journalist’ - I only managed one of these). Deciding to have a baby wasn't easy - not just because I feared I was too selfish or would make mistakes - but due to factors beyond my control. Such as society’s attitude towards maternal mental health, the lack of understanding of exactly what a woman goes through both psychologically and physically (otherwise known as 'matrescence'), the eye-watering cost of childcare in 2024, and the impact on my career all played a huge part.

Blaming women for the declining birth rate ignores these complex realities and shifts responsibility away from systemic issues. It's absurd to think that individual women hold the power over the nation’s birth rate. I find it 20% funny, 80% ridiculous that our society thinks that Anna in Liverpool is playing God with the human race because she’s putting her career first. As a ‘geriatric mum’ myself, having my first child at 35, I see this perspective as both simplistic and really unfair. We need to unpick this blame game and consider the broader societal factors at play.

First, let's consider attitudes towards women’s work life balance. Modern women are expected to excel in their careers while fulfilling traditional roles at home. A 2023 British Social Attitudes study shows women are still disproportionately responsible for domestic duties, even when they are the primary breadwinners. The Institute for Fiscal Studies in 2021 found that women do significantly more unpaid work at home.The lack of support for working mothers in the UK is glaring.

Campaigners like Anna Whitehouse and Pregnant then Screwed) haven’t only emphasised the need for flexible working - but better parental leave as well. Lauren Fabianski from Pregnant then Screwed told me women will continue to be blamed for the falling birthrate until the measly two weeks offered in the UK changes. "Until we extend the length of paternity leave and pay it at a rate that families can afford to use, then we are continuing to say to dads and partners - that after two weeks, they’re no longer needed. Raising a baby is something women should figure out on their own.”

Let’s not forget, UK childcare costs are among the highest in the world, making it hard for families to afford childcare necessary for both parents to work. This forces many women to choose between continuing the careers they’ve worked on for years or staying home to care for their children- not out of desire, but necessity. This is not a real choice but a reflection of inadequate support systems.

Motherhood significantly hampers women's career progression. Research by the London School of Economics shows the "motherhood penalty" results in lower wages, reduced job opportunities, and a higher likelihood of part-time work. The TUC reports that mothers earn 15% less than childless counterparts, illustrating the financial disadvantage of motherhood. So, we’re earning less - and childcare is costing much more. These economic realities make the decision to have children far more complex than simply a matter of personal desire.

And we can’t forget one of the most recent challenges - the two-child benefit cap. This penalises larger families and disproportionately affects women, especially those from lower-income backgrounds. This policy effectively punishes women for having more than two children, adding another layer of financial strain and influencing reproductive choices.

Maternal mental health is another critical area lacking support. The transition to motherhood, known as matrescence, is one of the most challenging periods of a woman's life. Yet, it is widely misunderstood and inadequately supported. Up to one in five women develop mental health problems during pregnancy or the first year after childbirth, according to the Maternal Mental Health Alliance with women reporting their experiences of long waits, lack of continuity of care and health stigma.

Society needs to recognise that having children is not a simple choice but one weaved tightly with economic, social, and political factors. We must push and shout for policies that support families, like affordable childcare, equitable parental leave, better mental health services, and welfare policies that do not penalise larger families.

I passionately believe women have drawn the short straw here. There needs to be a greater understanding and appreciation of the challenges women face in juggling home and work - and that the mental load weighs heavier on the mother’s side. Employers must support working mothers, and domestic responsibilities should be shared more equally between men and women. Men need to be 'team players' in this game of life too - having the 'tricky' conversations about flexible working too.

Blaming women for the UK's falling birth rate is not only unfair but also counterproductive. It distracts from the real issues that need addressing. We live in a society where having children doesn’t feel feasible, and women don’t feel supported. We need to acknowledge hurdles and work to build a better way, only then can we maybe see a reversal in the declining birth rate and create a society that truly values and supports families - the blame game has to stop.

Liked this? Then take a look at our other parenting debates, check out Charging for playdates: money savvy or rude? and The 'bedroom parents vs living room parents' debate has gone viral - I'm the latter and here's why... or for some food for thought during nap time or when the kids are finally in bed, try “You only have 18 summers” - 3 reasons why I hate this parenting meme.