Lily Allen recently shared that she gets 'really annoyed' when people say you can have it all. Her comments have gone viral, and the debate over the issue rages on.
Between matresence, mum guilt and the mental load, for mothers in particular the pressure to 'have it all' is perhaps only more pronounced for those in the public eye, who are often expected to be red carpet ready at all times. (And, as many parents know, raising kids and looking glamorous rarely go hand in hand).
It's something award-winning singer-songwriter Lily Allen has recently opened up about, joking on the Radio Times podcast, "My children ruined my career." She added, "I mean I love them and they complete me, but in terms of pop stardom, totally ruined it."
The singer, who is mum to daughters Ethel, 11, and Marnie, 9, went on to share: "I get really annoyed when people say you can have it all because, quite frankly, you can't. Some people choose their career over their children and that's their prerogative, but my parents were quite absent when I was a kid. I feel like it left some nasty scars that I'm not willing to repeat on mine.
"I chose to step back and concentrate on them. I'm glad that I've done that because I think they're pretty well-rounded."
Lily Allen's comments have sparked a fierce debate online and in the media, with broadcaster Narinder Kaur and fashion designer Savannah Miller clashing over the issue on Good Morning Britain.
Mum-of-two Narinda believes that you have to put either your children or your career first. She said, "I want to give Lily Allen a pat on the back because she was completely honest. I think she triggered a lot of mums out there who believe this myth that you can have it all - you can't.
"You absolutely cannot have a successful career and raise children. It's a lie, because if you want to be a completely present mum, if you want to fulfil their physical and emotional needs, you need to be a mum at home."
Meanwhile, mum-of-three Savannah disagreed. She said, "I don't believe it's as binary as choosing on or the other. I'm not saying you can have it all - I don't believe you can and I do believe you have to make sacrifices in your life. However, telling your daughters that they will have to choose between being a mother or having a career is very damaging."
She added, "Also telling your sons that this is what you expect of your wives or girlfriends when they give birth - that they are just going to shelve their career and yours is more important - is, frankly, abhorrent."
Admitting that "I had people help me out from my village when I couldn’t get to the school gates", Savannah said, "I put my children to bed every night, read them a story and got back on my laptop." She added that while she was "very lucky" she "couldn't afford a nanny".
The argument became heated, with Narinda accusing Savannah of 'feeding the myth' that mums need to be 'Superwoman'.
The debate over the issue continued to rage on social media after GMB posted the clip online. On Instagram, presenter and DJ Ashley James commented, "And yet dads get to have it all. Maybe the issue is not motherhood but societal structures and how it views mothers." Meanwhile, author and women's health expert Shakira Akabusi added, "Suggesting that by simply working means you cannot cater to your children’s needs is a damaging narrative for those who want to (or need to) work alongside family life. IF you want to work, please know that you CAN absolutely still be a present mother".
Lily Allen is, of course, not representative of most working mothers, given that she's a popstar with a BRIT Award and a Grammy nomination under her belt. For those who aren't rich and famous, the motherhood penalty (the price that women pay for taking time out of work to raise their family) is too much for them to be able to stop working altogether.
Many social media users have been quick to explain that they have no choice but to continue working while raising children. One user said, "There's no chance a mum can be a stay at home mum when bills need paying, food needs to be put on the table & a safe roof over your heads," while another commented, "I wish I could stay at home but financially that’s not an option!"
A third user added, "How about rather than saying women can’t have both, the cost of living crisis is addressed and fixed so that parents have an option."
But others remained adamant that it's possible to 'have it all'. One mother wrote, "I’m having a successful career… I do every school run, every pick-up, every club, every school meeting and I’m thriving in my career". And another shared, "I was a single mum to two young children when I succeeded in building my career in HR. I was present when I needed to be and I taught my children that hard work is the way forward."
The debate over whether women can 'have it all' doesn't look like it's going to be settled any time soon, and there are a huge number of factors at play - workplace support, financial position, and help from friends and family being just a few.
But the debate has certainly struck a chord, and that may be telling of the way society views women. GoodtoKnow Family Editor and mum-of-one, Stephanie Lowe, weighs in. "Isn't it funny how men don't ever have this conversation? And that is part of the problem," she says. "Women feel they need to be there and to be physically and emotionally present for their kids because historically it was just women who went to school plays, had the parent-teacher meetings, made all the packed lunches, and arranged all the play dates, while men left the house to work. There is no 'working dad' narrative or 'dad guilt'... it's all on the woman. And until that is equal, I think that women will always ask the question: can I have both?"
Steph adds, "I think women asking the 'can I have it all' question is a symptom of the world very much being about men and their needs, and wants. And until that is addressed the answer will be no, you can't, not even a little bit."
In other celebrity news, One Day star Leo Woodall has revealed the 'pressure' he felt from his family to 'make it' as an actor and Ant McPartlin’s family have confirmed the star is set to become a father for the first time with wife Anne-Marie.
